Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Friday, December 30, 2016

A Yoddishe Kopf

A Yiddishe Kopfn old Jewish man lived alone in the country. 

He needed to plant his potato garden but the task was too daunting for the old man as the ground was hard.His only son, Chaim, who used to help him dig, was in federal prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud investigation. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 

Dear Chaim

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

love, Papa

A few days later, the old man received a letter from his son: ;

Dear Papa!!!

For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money & stocks!!!

Love, Chaim;

At ;4:00 a.m. next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area - without finding any money or stocks.  They apologized to the old man and left.;That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa:

Can you go ahead  and plant the potatoes now?.. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Chaim

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Best Genie Joke Ever!

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 

 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 

 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. 

The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 

'No Kidding,' he said. 

  'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Ed Hunter: The 37 Things You Only Know if You’re a Senior Recruiter

Is this tue???? 

You’ve been in recruitment for a while now. You know the game. You’ve seen people come and go in your company like the changing of the wind. You probably have a smart answer prepared for Friday night beers when that 9/10 asks you what you do for a living.

When it comes to recruitment, you’ve earned your stripes!

And because you’re a seasoned veteran, here’s the summation of what you’ve learned so far…

  1. Realising ‘OTE‘ actually means ‘Obviously Totally Exaggerated’
  2. Knowing 4 out of every 5 rookies won’t make the end of their second week…
  3. … And the one that does won’t be the one you (and everyone else) chatted up in the first week
  4. The first ‘newbie’ to nonchalantly stroll in 5 minutes late with a smile on their face will normally be the first to go
  5. You can tell a good CV from a bad CV from a 3 second glance
  6. You know not to count your chickens before the money’s in the bank…
  7. …But you do every time and start shopping online the moment after sending that ‘dead cert’ CV
  8. You revel in an opportunity to justify why you’re better than a client’s current supplier, who you know by name
  9. Hitting target with time to spare and miraculously ‘finding’ a deal on the very first day of the next month.
  10. 3PM onwards on a Friday is a recruitment ghost town. You WILL NOT get hold of candidates OR clients…
  11. …But you’ll still try upon your boss’s insistence!
  12. Lunch meetings with a client on a Friday means a free boozy lunch (whether the client’s there or not)
  13. You know the exact amount to the nearest pound that’s likely to get signed off on an expense form
  14. You know the phone number which gets stuck on a ‘VM’ loop when you’re up against the clock for phone times
  15. ‘lmtcb’ is one of the most pointless things you can write on the database. No one’s checking and they won’t call back
  16. Pay day = commission day and the best day of the month…
  17. … But also the day ‘chats in the boardroom’ turn into people leaving swiftly with their head down
  18. ‘Monthly lunch club’ means shots before your starter is for some reason acceptable…
  19. … Especially for Jill in Accounts who’s somehow ‘never done a Jaeger Bomb before’
  20. The company trip means ANYTHING goes
  21. Walking around on the phone with a headset, while throwing a ball to yourself lets everyone in the office know YOU MEAN BUSINESS!
  22. All leads, jobs, interviews and CVs sent will be saved for ‘BD Day‘ with the promise of an early finish for the victor
  23. Sending a connection request to that 9/10 on LinkedIn, to reaffirm you aren’t a stalker…
  24. … Then panicking when it’s not accepted
  25. Overhearing your mate say “Yeah I’m a Headhunter” in the pub and correcting them with “he means Recruiter!”
  26. Spotting another recruiter in a bar from 1000 paces… and being able to guess who they work for… and whether they’re any good
  27. REALLY wishing you had a life during the week other than recruitment…
  28. … So promising yourself you’ll take some time out this week…
  29. … Until that mega urgent job comes in and you’re still at your desk at 9PM
  30. Knowing that if a colleague leaves their desk to take a call, they’ll be leaving within the month
  31. ‘Home truths’ and tears are on the menu at the Christmas Party…
  32. … Along with P45s the next day
  33. New initiatives rolled out by management are likely to last 2 weeks, but your feigned ‘enthusiastic face’ would get you a lead part in Neighbours
  34. Knowing full well that sending an introductory email touting for business WILL NOT bring in business…
  35. … But doing it anyway and logging it on the database
  36. Wishing some days you’d never gone into recruitment…
  37. … But mostly being glad you did and absolutely loving it when things go well

There you have it. That’s all for now. Keep fighting the good fight.

Ed x

Friday, August 12, 2016

this Shabbat why not take a moment to concentrate on the special peopleand goodness in our lives.

 What takes precedence in Jewish Law - happy or sad? 
As my Rabbi and friend Rabbi Nochum Schapiro says:- 
This Shabbat is a confusing day. The calendar tells us that it is Av 9, the saddest day on the calendar, when we neither eat nor drink, instead sitting on the floor in mourning. 
But it is also Shabbat, the day G-d gave to His nation for gladness and rejoicing.
Which one is it? Shabbat trumps. We eat, drink and celebrate on Shabbat, and push off the sad stuff to Saturday night and Sunday.
This is reminiscent of the Talmudic teaching that when a funeral and a bridal procession both need to proceed down one street, the funeral is detoured because the honour of the living bride takes precedence over the deceased.
To me, this embodies the Jewish spirit. Even when we are sad, we are always ready to be happy. 
Good always rises above evil, and joy will always be closest to our hearts.
There are people who even when experiencing a wonderful occasion, event, and the like tend to focus on what didn’t go right instead of on all the positives of that occasion. One can have a simcha and concern oneself with those who didn’t come or didn’t seem to share fully with a glad heart in the simcha rather on the joy of the occasion. 
Similarly so often we take for granted the repeated positives “the recurring Shabbats” in our lives and focus instead on the challenges we face causing us aggravation and stress. 
This year’s “confrontation” of Shabbat and 9 Av guides us on where to place our focus when positive and negative collide. 
So this Shabbat  why not take a moment to concentrate on the special people and goodness in our lives.  
As my brother and mentor , Brett Kaye says...
1. "I don't do misery!!"
2. If you want to complain - take a deep breath - and say something positive first!

Friday, July 22, 2016


ARAPROSDOKIANS” are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected.

1.  Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2.  Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3.  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
4.  War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
5    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
6.  They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
7.  To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism.  To steal from many is called research.
8.  In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:'  I put 'DOCTOR.'
9.    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10.  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.
11.  Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
12.  A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.
13.  I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not so sure.
14.  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it.
15.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
16.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.
17.  I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
18. Finally, I am not arguing with you,  I am just explaining why you are wrong.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

A bargain!

Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a

woman  with perfect breasts.   

He says  to her, "Hey miss, would  you let me BITE your breasts for  $100?

"Are  you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking  away.  

He  turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she 


"Would  you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks  again.

"Listen  you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" 
So  the little old Jewish  man runs around the next block and faces her again.

"Would  you let me bite your breasts -  just once - for   $10,000?!" 

She  thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just 

once,  but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." 
So  they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the  most 

perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs  them and 

starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,  licking them, 

burying his face in them - but not biting  them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are  you gonna bite them 

or not?' 

"Nah,"  says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

Saturday, July 16, 2016

The man of the house

Tx Andrew Cohen 

The husband, having just finished reading the book, 'Man of the House', strode into the kitchen and
up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said:

"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to 
prepare me a  gourmetmeal tonight, and when I'm finished I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after
dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair??" 

His wife replied, "The Chevra Kadisha?"

Sunday, July 3, 2016

The kind hearted lawyer


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.


Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.


He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"We have to eat  grass."


"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,

" the lawyer said.


"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."


"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.


Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."


The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"


"Bring them all as well," the lawyer  answered.


They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."


"Thank you for taking all of us with you.


The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on really didn't think there was such a thing as a

heart-warming lawyer story...did you????


Saturday, July 2, 2016

Mad Caw Disease

From my golfing buddy Paul Isaacs! 


In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was interviewing Farmer Paddy O'Shea, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, ar

The interview was as follows: ....

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease ? "

Paddy stared at the reporter and said: ...............   

"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Paddy: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ? "

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point ? "

Paddy: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad ? "

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Who Is Mr. Gorsky?



















It broke the place up.

[The town mentioned in this story is Wapakoneta, Ohio]

Friday, March 18, 2016

These are absentee notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools all over South Africa .

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School : Please ekscuse Shadrak being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. 

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Blessing from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face..

7. Moses was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

10. Please excuse Justice Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh its. [Words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Petros was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Beauty home because she was to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please ekxcuse Wiseman for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off verunda, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. 

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 

20.Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. 

22. Please excuse Burma , she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. 

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Sayings of a Jewish Buddha

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. 
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. 
Each blossom has ten thousand petals. 
You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

(From the book ZEN JUDAISM by David M Bader)

Friday, February 26, 2016

Chaim and his Mumma

Mrs. Cohen comes to visit her son Chaim for dinner. 
He lives with a female Italian roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Chain's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Chaim and his roommate than meet the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Chaim volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Chaim saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,

A few days later, Chaim received a response email from his Mama which read:

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama 
Never talk Bobba Meisas to you Mama

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

My dog has a problem

From my Friend Linda Skop Ziman 

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a  problem. ”
    Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem. ”
    "It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says  Morty.
    "He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
    "Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"
    Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
    "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. 
    And you only call me when you want something. 
    And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. 
    You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet.
    It tastes like dreck!  YOU should eat it yourself!
    And do you ever take me for a decent walk?
    NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. 
    Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! 
    I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

        Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable!  So, what's the problem?"
        Morty says, "He has a hearing problem!  I said 'Fetch,' not  'Kvetch."

Monday, February 15, 2016

Black Forest Spa Route — I Think I Need Another Massage

Looking for somewhere nice to go? 

Let me start right out and say if you see any typos or the errant, ahhhhh, it’s because I’m on the Black Forest Spa Route — otherwise known as the Schwarzwald-Bäderstrasse — and I’ve found my happy place, my zen, or whatever else you want to call it.

I’m a sucker for a good spa and an even bigger sucker for a great spa. So, imagine how giddy I am right now, traveling all 270km (168mi) of this circular route through the best of what Baden-Württemberg has to offer, smack within the northern half of the mystic Black Forest.

Now, for those of you who are just like me, the spas within the Black Forest are utterly divine; and a great place to spend every waking minute being massaged, pampered, plucked, soaked, and saunaed (is that even a word? who cares…).

But, for those of you who are traveling with anyone who doesn’t care one iota about these things — there are plenty things to do & see along the way. Or, you could leave them home and just take me along with you instead. ;-)

Start of the Black Forest Spa Route

The Black Forest Spa Route officially comprises of more towns and stops than my virtual tour here on this page. But don’t sweat… simply follow the link at the bottom to take a peek at the others.

My trip starts in Pforzheim, a town better known as the Goldstadt (or Gold City) with its jewelry making. It’s also a popular stop on the Bertha Benz Memorial Route. Believe it or not, I have no time for spa services because with all the other sightseeing, there’s no time left.

Pforzheim’s totally amazing with an arts center, jewelry museum, a wildlife park, and an Alpine Garden that’s open from April to October. There’s also the Wallberg hill to climb — quite the romantic spot for you & a loved one. Hey, don’t look at me, I only had thoughts of a deep tissue massage on the brain. :-)

The same was true of Calw and Nagold. Between all the half-timbered houses and the Vischer Palace (that’s now the Town Museum), then the Celtic royal burial mound and Castle Hohennagold — I almost (ALMOST) forgot why I was here. For which I quickly remembered when I pulled into Freudenstadt.

Freudenstadt reads like a lifestyles of the 19th century rich & famous. Mark Twain, John Rockefeller, England’s King George V, and the Queen of Sweden have come all the way to this Black Forest town to soak in its curative waters.

Over at the Panorama-Bad, you don’t have to do anything other than lay on bubble beds, swim til your fingers look like raisins, park yourself inside a sauna, or have some wonderful masseuse beat the ever-lovin’ stress right out of you. Oh, sorry, that’s what I did!

After feelin’ like Jell-O pudding, I had my choice of a hot-air balloon ride, mountain biking, or a visit to Freudenstadt’s local history museum or the Black Forest Nature Park. Decisions, decisions — now I’m stressed — gonna have to go get another massage.

Baiersbronn was my next stop. This is a lovely town with a Kneipp Health Resort, a 15th century monastery, and farm holidays for the kids. It also has 500km of hiking trails, cross country skiing, (regular skiing, too), and boasts six Michelin star restaurants.

I didn’t want to leave, but I had more spas to occupy and sights to see!

Places like Altensteig, where the Black Forest Spa Route meets up with the Deutsche Fachwerkstrasse. The Fachwhat? That would be the German Framework Road — and Altensteig has framework houses that are about 550 years old. It’s also got moorlands, vineyards, and 700,000 years of human history.

By the time I got to Baden-Baden I was ready to be pampered yet again. Little did I know how well it would be done in Baden-Baden. The soap & brush massage at the Friedrichsbad (the Roman-Irish Bath) was heavenly and the water ritual (it’s 16 steps to it) is blissfully designed to soak life’s stresses away. Hey, even just looking at the frescoes was a treat for the eyes!

Then it was time to see the Caracalla Spa, 3,000 square feet of pure aqua elegance. You’ll be the proverbial kid in a candy store, alternating between the whirlpools, waterfalls, saunas, and hot & cold rock grottos.

With a spa of this caliber, it’d be easy to forget that Baden-Baden has one of the largest concert halls in Europe, a casino that Bond would be happy to visit, and Chanel & Prada stores. Thank heaven for credit cards!

Things are a bit simpler over in Bad Herrenalb. But, I didn’t say boring. Bad Herrenalb was (is) known for its 12th century Cistercian Monastery that was dissolved when the Protestant Reformation came to the area; and there’s something magical about the ruins.

The town also has a 9-hole golf course, and its Siebentäler Therme (Seven Valleys Thermal Spa) is surrounded by sandstone cliffs.

My trip ends in Bad Wildbad, a town that’s been a resort village since the 15th century. Yes, the 15th century — meaning, they’re doing something right. The first thing you’ll probably notice is the big pinkish building. That’s the Palais Thermal, built in the 19th century and welcoming guests from all over the world.

After the hot springs, how about a visit to the Local History Museum or Bad Wildbad’s 18th and 19th century churches?

Oh, no… not again. Decisions, decisions. I think I need yet another massage. Oh, maybe a facial this time… ;-)

Saturday, January 9, 2016

You know you grew up Jewish when:

 You did not respond to the  teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was "Princess". 

* You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.

*  You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone  calls roast beef "brisket." 

* Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

* Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

* You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people  fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates & forks trying to get to a deli tray.

* You  thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties.

* You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night. 

* You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.

* You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).

* You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.  

* You can look at gefilte fish without turning  green. 

* You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox. 

* You can understand some Yiddish but you can't speak it. 

* You  know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use  them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean.  
    e.g. Is that Kenahurra or is that kaninehurra?.

* You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor. 

* You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you were in  there for longer than 3 minutes.

*You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David. 

* Your grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs, was covered in plastic and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.
Baruch Hashem and G_d willing, may you have a day full of mazel and shalom!

There are many forms of Judaism:

Cardiac  Judaism ---------- in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism --- we eat Jewish foods. 
Pocketbook Judaism ----- I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism  --------- drop the kids off at Sunday School; go out   to breakfast.
Twice a Year Judaism -- --attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

Rosh  Hashanah  ------- Feast
Tzom  Gedalia ----------- Fast
Yom Kippur -------------- More  fasting
Sukkot  -------------------- Feast  for a week +
Hashanah Rabbah ----  More feasting
Simchat   Torah --------- Keep right on feasting
Month of Heshvan ----- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah ---------------- Eat  potato pancakes
Tenth  of Tevet --------- Do not eat potato pancakes 
Tu B'Shevat ------------  Feast
Fast of  Esther  --------- Fast 
Purim ---------------------  Eat pastry
Passover  ---------------- Do not eat pastry for a week
Shavuot ------------------ Dairy  feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.) 
17th of Tammuz -------- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av ----------------- Serious fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul ------------ End of cycle. Enrol in  Centre for  Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.Rosh  Hashanah  ------- Feast
Tzom  Gedalia ----------- Fast
Yom Kippur -------------- More  fasting
Sukkot  -------------------- Feast  for a week +
Hashanah Rabbah ----  More feasting
Simchat   Torah --------- Keep right on feasting
Month of Heshvan ----- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah ---------------- Eat  potato pancakes
Tenth  of Tevet --------- Do not eat potato pancakes 
Tu B'Shevat ------------  Feast
Fast of  Esther  --------- Fast 
Purim ---------------------  Eat pastry
Passover  ---------------- Do not eat pastry for a week
Shavuot ------------------ Dairy  feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.) 
17th of Tammuz -------- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av ----------------- Serious fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul ------------ End of cycle. Enrol in  Centre for  Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.

Friday, January 1, 2016

5 New Year Gems From Rabbi Sacks

I spend a lot of time with young people — pupils about to leave school, students at university and graduates about to start a career. Often they ask me for advice as they begin their journey into the future. Here are some of the ideas worth thinking about as we begin our journey into a new calendar year.


The first thing to do is dream. Seemingly the least practical activity turns out to be the most practical, and most often left undone. I know people who spend months planning a holiday but very little time planning a life. Imagine setting out on a journey without deciding where you are going to. However fast you travel, you will never reach your destination because you never decided where you want to be. In fact, the faster you travel, the more lost you will become.

Dreams are where we visit the many lands and landscapes of human possibility and discover the one where we feel at home. The great religious leaders were all dreamers.

Within my own tradition there was Moses, who dreamed of a land flowing with milk and honey, and Isaiah who dreamed of a world at peace. One of the greatest speeches of the 20th century was Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream”. If I were to design a curriculum for happiness, dreaming would be a compulsory course.


The second rule is, follow your passion. Nothing — not wealth, success, accolades or fame — justifies spending a lifetime doing things you don’t enjoy. I have seen too many people enter careers to earn money to give their partners and children everything they want, only to lose their partners and become estranged from their children because they never had time for them. People who follow their passion tend to lead blessed lives. Happy in what they do, they tend to spread happiness to those whose lives they touch. That is a life worth living.


The third rule I learnt from the psychotherapist who survived Auschwitz, Viktor Frankl, whose Man’s Search for Meaning is one of the most widely read books of our time. Frankl used to say: Don’t ask what you want from life. Ask what life wants from you. The great lives are ones where people heard a call, had a sense of vocation. That is what set Abraham, grandfather of monotheism, on his journey and eventually it changed the world. Moses might have lived a life of ease as a prince of Egypt but he heard the cry of his people as they suffered under slavery, and God’s call to him to lead them into freedom.

There is a well-known story about three men who spent their lives quarrying rocks. When asked what they were doing, one replied, “Breaking rocks.” The second said, “Earning a living.” The third said, “Building a cathedral.” We don’t need to ask which of the three had the most job satisfaction. The late Steve Jobs spent his life making technology people-friendly. The creators of Google sought to make the world of information available to all. An overarching sense of the Why preceded the How. Where what we want to do meets what is crying out to be done, that is where we should be.


The fourth rule is: make space in your life for the things that matter, for family and friends, love and generosity, fun and joy. Without this, you will burn out in mid-career and wonder where your life went. In Judaism we have the Sabbath, a dedicated day of stillness each week, where we make space for all the things that are important but not urgent. Not every culture has a Sabbath, but life without dedicated time for renewal, like a life without exercise or music or a sense of humour, is a lesser life.


The fifth rule is work hard, the way an athlete or concert pianist or cutting-edge scientist works hard. The American psychologist, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, calls this the principle of “flow”. By this he means the peak experience you have when you are working so hard at a task that you are unaware of the passing of time. No great achiever — even those who made it seem easy — ever succeeded without hard work. The Jewish word for serving God, avodah, also means hard work.

There are many other rules but these are some of the most important. Try them and you will be surprised by joy.

(First published in The Times)

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Is this balls?

The Great Lao-Tzu said:
"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your
testicles that you come to realize that you can solve
problems without using violence.”