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An old man goes to a confessional

An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"

"Hey, I'm telling everybody."

The rabbis advice to ask mum to find a girl exactly like her

Got those golf tragics like me

When I was young I was a poor golfer.

But after years of play and practice, i an no longer young 

Tisha b Av

The saddest and most  famous Jewish day  -  that even the most important road in the USA is named after !!

A man was asked to write a sentence without the letter “e”

Can it be done he was asked 

A 70 year old man at a nudist colony

From my mate Andrew Cohen 

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi baptises a bear

Thanks Andrew cohen !!! 

Circumcision  not such a good idea to give to a bear!! 

RELIGIOUS CONVERSION

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed,  'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. . . Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it. . .  circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Shabbat Shalom - שבת שלום and stay forever young.

Excerpts from a Piece about Peace by Rabbi Ralph Genende

Dylan wrote 

May God bless and keep you always

May your wishes all come true

May you always do for others

And let others do for you

May you build a ladder to the stars

And climb on every rung

May you stay forever young

The Torah 

These are the words that the priests of Israel would bless the people of Israel with:

May the Lord bless you and protect you;

May the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you;

May the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace.

(Numbers 6:23 -27).

 

Like Dylan’s words they go from the physically protective to the soaring stars and then to the inner spirit of youthful energy. 

The crescendo of the blessing is the wish for peace. 

So what does Diversity Equity and Inclusion have to do with Peace?

The Jewish philosopher Joseph Albo said that conflict is at the heart of the human condition and peace is the force of fusion. Peace is the bringing together of opposing forces or ideas, the harmonising of diverse people or principles. 

The Hebrew word for peace, shalom שלום is intimately related to the Hebrew word for wholeness shelemut.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks who died just over a year ago suggested that Shalom is the harmonious coexistence of otherwise conflicting individuals, tribes, and nations, each with a distinctive nature and unique contribution to the totality of humankind.

Shalom, he says, it’s not about uniformity but integrated diversity.

The feeling of peace and wholeness is a definition of success !

 

We may not be able to do much to bring about world peace, but we can do for others and let others do for us.

Shabbat Shalom  - שבת שלום and  stay forever young.

Bought some air today

I bought a little bag of air today . 

The company that made it were kind to put in a few chips as well 

Special offer

A priest was called away on an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional booth unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi came over and he and the priest sat in the confessional booth together. In a few minutes a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do?".

The woman said, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man entered the confessional.

He said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: “How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi told the priest that he thought that he got it, so the priest left.

A few minutes later, another woman entered the confessional booth and said,

"Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

"What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery"

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

By his mother he is a committed businessman

Successful in business . . . 

Freda and her friend Ruth were having a chat about their sons. "So Ruth," asks Freda, "I hear that your Paul has just been made a director of Shmultz LLC.  Is he a good businessman, then?" 

"Is he a good businessman?" replies Ruth. "Oy! He’s a brilliant businessman, Freda. In fact mine Paul is so dedicated to his company that every night he takes his secretary to bed with him - just in case he comes up with a brilliant idea."

Thank you Andrew Cohen!!! 

Rivka goes to a sassexxxx shhhhopppp

Hello, tech support . . . 

60 year old Rivkah goes into her local sex shop. As soon as she enters, everyone there notices how unstable she is on her feet. Very shakily, she wobbles the few feet across the shop to the counter, grabs it for support, and asks the assistant behind the counter, "Dddoo youuu selll ddiilldoss?" 

The assistant, trying not to laugh, replies, "Yes, we have many different types of dildo in stock." 

"Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,ttenn inchessss lllong  aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk?" asks Rivkah. 

The assistant replies, "Yes we do." 

"Maazzeltovvv. Ddddoo yyoouu kknnooww hhowww tttooo tturrrnnn ittt offffff?"

חג שמח - have the best Pesach

Your grandma

In honour of St Patricks day and Purim

What do you call someone who is half Jewish and half  Irish?

LepriCohen

It’s all about attitude

There is attitude - and then there is positive attitude!

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude!!

Japanese wife Dishonouring her husband with a Jewish Man

Two Japanese businessmen were talking during their dip in the hot baths at

the geisha house.

"Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you.  Your wife is dishonoring

you."

Upset, Hirokosan asked for more information.

"More, she is dishonoring you with a foreigner who is of the Jewish faith."

Shocked, Hirokosan went home to confront his wife.  "I am told you are

dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."

"That is a lie!" she replied, outraged.  "Where did you hear such

mishegass?"

A bit of a cheat

Dave and his wife, Phyllis, started dieting a week ago.

Phyllis proposes that they should have a cheat day today.

She excitedly brings home bagels and cream cheese and two knishes. 

Dave brought home his co-worker, Sharon.

From his hospital bed, Dave is wondering if he’ll ever begin to understand women.