Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Sunday, December 31, 2017

3 wishes

: One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted
island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out
even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a
black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and
zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead
gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof
pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a
fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah," said the castaway. "Ahh, that is so
good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And howlong has it been since you've had a drop of good
Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to herright sleeve,
unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handedit to
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of
the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip
the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She
looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it
been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and
sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've
got golf clubs in there

Sunday, December 3, 2017

A Cabbie picks up a Nun

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''

''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''

She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''

The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''

The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''

''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''

The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''

Monday, November 27, 2017


 Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... 

The first man married a Greek girl. 
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. 
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. 

The second man married a Thai. 
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. 
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. 

The third man married a girl from Australia
He ordered her to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. 
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Best or worst time to speculate

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Koos and Japie from Brakpan

Koos and Japie from Brakpan, were in Pretoria for the Currie Cup Final when suddenly they spotted a sign on a shop window.

Suits---R20 each
Shirts---R 10 each
Trousers---R8 each

Koos says to his china, 
"Hey Japie, liewe fok, check that my broe!!! Hey we could buy a whole load of these clothes, and when we get home, we could somme just sell them, and make a moerse fortune!

"But listen, boet, when we go into the shop, keep your flippin mouth shut, 'cos if they hear your Brakpan accent, they might try to skelm us."

They go in, and Koos says, "Excuse me Sir, man I'll take 50 of your suits at R20 each, plus gimme 100 shirts at R10 each, and I'll somme also take 50 pairs of your trousers at R8 each".

The shop owner says, "You from Brakpan, right?"

"Err... ja swaar", says Koos, "but how die donner did you know"?

The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaner, you doos!!!"

Monday, September 4, 2017

Love and Marriage

How BEDROOM smells after MARRIAGE:
First 3 years....
Perfumes, Flowers,

After 3 years....
Baby Powder, Johnson's Cream and Lotions, 
Baby Oils....

After 15 years....
Tiger balm, axe oil, methylsalicilate ointment 

After 40 years....
Spiritual books, watching Tv alone

Four stages of marriage:
��Mad for each other,
�� Made for each other,
�� Mad at each other &
�� Mad because of each other

What's Marriage?
Answer- MARRIAGE Is The 7th Sense of Humans, that Destroys All The Six Senses and Makes The Person NON Sense..!

Definition Of Happy Couple -
HE Does What SHE Wants…
SHE Does What SHE Wants

Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command....

Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband..!!

'Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life."
- Shakespeare

"Laughing At your Wife's Mistakes, can SHORTEN your Life...."
- Shakespeare's Wife

Dont laugh alone,
 pass it on

Saturday, April 22, 2017

The greatest HR joke!!

There aren’t that many HR jokes around, but this one not only takes the biscuit, but raises a number of issues about attracting candidates!

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”

“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.

Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”

The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”


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Thursday, March 2, 2017

Gwen Beinart's Teiglach • Charlene Beinart

My friend Charlene Beinart writes about her mums teiglach - a recipe that her mum Gwen was famous for  
 - those large, oval rings of pastry afloat in amber syrup. Who needs to wait for a holiday?    


My mom, Gwen Beinart (nee Sackstein), born in 1936, has always been the heartbeat of my love for baking. Over her lifetime she gathered a collection of recipes handwritten onto small cards — some her own, and others gathered from family and friends, tested, tasted, and kept as part of her core repertoire.

Of Lithuanian and German Jewish heritage, I am the second generation born in South Africa, and the youngest of three girls.  A typical Jewish immigrant history, my grandparents on both sides came to South Africa looking for a better life. They were very poor and my parents wanted nothing more than to give us the best possible life and education. My father was a self-made businessman and my mother was a very creative homemaker.

Of all of her recipes, there’s one that brings back the most vivid memories of delicious family time: Teiglach.  Syrupy, crunchy, chewy donut-shaped biscuits, these sweet offerings were at the centre of every gathering and a symbol of the importance of the occasion being celebrated.  This recipe was what my mother was best known for.  My emotional attachment to it was so profound that it took me more than 20 years after her death to make them. 

I am remembering, from my childhood in Durban, all the many conditions needed to make perfect teiglach.  First: the weather.  It must be a humid-less, sunny day, because the teiglach got dried out on my parents’ brick-paved patio before being boiled in syrup. Next: the equipment. You had to have the right pot, with a heavy metal lid and a brick placed on top to make it completely airtight. Then: no draughts! My sisters and I knew to never open the kitchen door and let in a draught when the teiglach were boiling on the stovetop!

I was always excited when my mom made them because it meant something important was happening!  Most likely, we were going to Johannesburg to be with my aunts, uncles, and cousins for Rosh Hashanah or Pesach.  Huge round Tupperware containers would be filled with my mom's teiglach and offered as gifts.  Everyone made a fuss: teiglach were considered a great delicacy.  Best of all, the containers were never returned empty — my aunts filled them to the brim with treats for our long car journey back to Durban.

After my mom passed away in 1991, we (my husband, three sons, and I) moved to New Zealand.  Naturally, my mother’s treasured box of handwritten recipe cards came with us.  But making teiglach felt far too daunting (emotionally and otherwise) to do on my own. Good results never seemed attainable. 

Just a few years ago, when my sister Kerry visited from London, we agreed to set aside a day to (finally!) make my mom’s teiglach. We had her Kenwood mixer, the right heavy-lidded pot, her lengthy handwritten recipe, and we felt her loving guidance — along with that of our other sister Elona, supporting us from England.

The family was well briefed: no opening the kitchen door, no draughts!    

Kerry and I put our memories together and got started.  Kerry remembered the teigel shape and we molded the dough before setting them out to dry in the sun. I remembered the three-step process to stir the teiglach once they were boiling in the pot: lift the lid, wipe off the condensation, and stir. Do this all quickly (remember, no draughts!) Of course this resulted in many hot syrup burns — scars I wear with pride!

While I always knew making teiglach was far more than following a recipe, I was not prepared for the overwhelming feeling I experienced when we opened the pot of the boiling treats for the first of six stirs.  The sweet, syrupy smell flooded me with lifelong memories of love, happiness, and of our beloved mom.    

Teiglach photo.jpeg

Mommy’s Teiglach (Gwen Beinart)
Note: Adjustments for gas stove made by Charlene

A Photo of Charlene's mother, Gwen Beinart

A Photo of Charlene's mother, Gwen Beinart


6 eggs
1 Tablespoon Oil
1 Tablespoon Brandy
Pinch salt
2 teaspoons grated orange zest
½ teaspoon baking powder

Flour: 3 cups to start
Syrup: 2 lbs or 1 kilo tin golden syrup,
3 cups sugar, and 2 ½ cups water


1. Slightly beat 6 eggs with oil, add brandy, salt, orange rind and then baking powder.

2. Add 3 cups flour sifted (one at a time).

3. Take a little bit on a small heap of flour and work in flour until dough is soft, slightly sticky but pliable. Roll into shapes in floured hands.

4. Put into floured tray to dry – preferably in sun for approximately 20 minutes, s turning over after 10 minutes

5. In the meantime, put syrup, sugar and water on to boil in large heavy pot (or weighted lid).

6. When boiling fast add teiglach. Close lid and boil on high for 5 mins

7. Then turn down to medium/high (low to medium on gas) to boil for 30-35 mins (26 – 30 on gas) before lifting lid. (Very important to weigh down the lid!)

8. Wipe lid and stir in quick motion every 5 mins until done (an additional approximately 20-30 minutes, or six stirs). Total time on the stove is 1 hour 10 mins according to Mommy but on gas probably a total of 55 mins)

9. Special note for gas : after 1st 5 min fast boil move pot to medium size plate on medium gas for 30 mins. Then do the lid/wipe/stir @ 5 min interval either 5 or 6 times in total.

10. When done take off 1 ½ cups of syrup for next batch

11. Then put in 1 heaped teaspoon ground ginger andhalf to ¾ cup boiling water down the side of the pot. 

12. Stir until bubbling stops and take out teiglach onto damp board or plate. Leave to cool.

13. Can roll in chopped nuts if desired.

14. Store in plastic air tight container.

15. If making further batch add ½ used syrup and ½ new to same other ingredients – usually better

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Charlene Beinart works as a psychologist in private practice and her husband is a university lecturer. She writes, "Our sons have turned out to be far better cooks than me, and their interest in food history has captured my own. We are regular listeners of Linda Pelaccio's podcast, A Taste of the Past. Our oldest son is currently a MA student at Hebrew University, researching the lives and stories of Lithuanian Jewish immigrants to South Africa through the cookbooks they created and the recipes they passed down to their children."

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Comedians take off conversation with Trump and Turnbull

Comedians take on Donald Trump's heated call with Malcolm Turnbull

Late night hosts had fun over the weekend with the news of Trump’s testy phone conversation with Turnbull about refugee resettlement

NBC US comedy talk show Late Night with Seth Meyers
 Seth Meyers asks of Trump, ‘How antisocial do you have to be to not get along with Australia?’ Photograph: Late Night with Seth Meyers/NBC

News of Donald Trump’s heated phone conversation with Malcolm Turnbull over the preexisting agreement to resettle refugees from Australian offshore detention centres provided US late-night talk show hosts with plenty of material over the weekend. 

Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah, Jimmy Kimmel and Bill Maher all found time during recent episodes to comment on the conversation between the two leaders, which Trump reportedly described as his “worst call” yet.

Colbert pleaded with Trump to not “pick a fight with Australia” as “they’ll cut off our supply of uggs, koala jerky and Hugh Jackman.” 

Another segment on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert featured an animated sketch in which Trump mistakingly calls an Outback Steakhouse instead of the Australian leader. Before realising his gaffe the cartoon Trump has time to throw such insults as “vegemite is garbage” and “ACDC is overrated”.

Kimmel seemed perplexed as he asked his audience “who the hell would have thought we’d have a problem with Australia?” before joking “from now on the only Australian leader President Trump will deal with is Miss Australia”.

Meyers likewise asked, “how antisocial do you have to be to not get along with Australia?” Meyers defended Australians as the “most laid-back people on earth”, before adding, “but of course Trump knows they’ve got some bad didgeridudes”.

The Daily Show with Trevor Noah featured a mocked audio recording of the phone conversation in which Trump tells Turnbull he’s “cancelling that dumb agreement” because “we don’t need your Boston bombers, your Mad Maxes or those big beer cans that make my perfectly normal hands look small”.

Maher sarcastically commented that “finally a president has shown the balls to stand up to our arch-enemy – Australia.” The host of Real Time with Bill Maher then joked that Trump’s last words before hanging up on the phone call were: “We’re building a wallaby and you’re going to pay for it.”