Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Friday, September 25, 2015


An observant Jew who lived on Park Avenue, built  a   Sukkah on his balcony  

Some   of his 'high society' non-Jewish neighbours brought him to court.
They   claimed that the Sukkah on his balcony was an eyesore and was having a negative impact on the value of their homes in this posh neighbourhood.
In   court, the man was very worried about the outcome.  It was the eve of the eight-day holiday, leaving him no time to make  alternative arrangements, in case  the judge ordered him to  take down the Sukkah.
 He   prayed for help. And Hashem listened.
Judge   Ginsburg, who was Jewish himself, had a reputation of being a very wise man. After hearing both sides, he turned around to the observant Jew and scolded him: "Don't you realize that you live on Park Avenue, and not in Brooklyn? There is a certain decorum which is expected on Park Avenue.  You have no right to be putting up an ugly hut on  this lovely  street without a building  permit  authorizing  it. I hereby rule that either you remove the hut, or I  will fine you one thousand  dollars.
You have exactly eight days to  do so! Next case!" ( Good Yomtov…).

Monday, September 7, 2015

Oo and oO

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?

""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
""Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your assholebefore prison ..."


Thursday, September 3, 2015

Assistant helps Doctor look after his Patients

Doctor Cohen did not want to close his rooms on Rosh Hashannah , so he approached his assistant.

“Bruce, I am going to Shul tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

 “Yes, sir!” – answers Bruce.
 Doc goes to Shul and returns the following day and asks:

”So, Bruce , how was your day?”

Bruce told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

 “Bravo, and the second one?” – asks Doc
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Bruce.

 “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks Doc

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered.
 Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table.
 She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“ so Nu! Vot  did you do? , Bruce, vot did you do?” – asked Doc
“I put drops in her eyes.” !