Motivation

Moshe wants a wife

An old Jewish couple has a 35 year old son, Moshe who is single and doing nothing about it. They are worried so they call up a respected matchmaker and pay her a fortune to find a match for their son. She interviews them for a couple of hours to find out what they want in a daughter-in-law. A week later, she calls them, and the son is on the phone call too.

Mr. and Mrs. Solomon, I have excellent news. I have found the perfect match for your Moshe! Listen to this! She is 25 years old.
She comes from a kosher home.
She is a fantastic cook.
She cleans.
She knows all the prayers by heart.
She wants a large family.
Her parents have a great reputation and are well off.
And on top of all this, she is drop-dead gorgeous!!!
Mr. and Mrs. Solomon are crazy with delight, and falling all over her with thanks.
But the son asks an inappropriate question.
Moshe says, "Yenta, is she..... is she........is she fun in bed......you know, when the lights go out?"
The parents shout, "Moshe, what kind of question is that?! The nerve!! We apologize for him, Yenta! "
Yenta says, "It's okay Mr. and Mrs. Solomon. He has the right to ask."
She takes a deep breath. "Let me be completely honest with you ..........."
"Some say yes ......some say no

How to Get your son a Job!

Morris (the father)says to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

His son immediately replies: "I will choose my own bride, father."

Morris sighs: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."

The son thinks about this only for a split second - then answers:

"Well, in that case, yes! OK Dad."

Morris then approaches Bill Gates and says: "I have a husband for your lovely daughter."

Bill Gates quickly answers: "No chance! My daughter is too young to get married!"

Morris says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates thinks for a while then answers: "Ah well, in that case, yes, that'll be OK with me."

Finally Morris goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Morris smiles and says: "I have a young man to recommend as a Vice-President."

The President hurriedly answers: "Not interested, I already have

more vice-presidents than I need."

Morris continues smiling: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."

A few seconds pass, then the World Bank President answers: "Ah that's interesting, Hmmm. In that case, well yes, he can start tomorrow."

And that is how successful Jews do business...

Hymie's Assertiveness Training

When Moshe sees his friend Hymie in Epstein’s Deli, he goes over to him and says, "Hymie, my dear friend, why so glum?"

"Because my wife Selma is always shouting at me," replies Hymie. "I just don't know what to do about it. It's driving me meshugga."

"Well I have the perfect solution for you," replies Moshe. "It worked well for me, so there's no reason to suppose it won't work for you too."

"So tell me already. What you think I should do," says Hymie.

"I think the best thing for you to do," replies Moshe, "is to sign up for an Assertiveness Training Course as soon as you possibly can."

"Hmm…" says Hymie, "I’m not sure. Let’s me check with Selma and see what she thinks.”

Is anything alright?

Two Jewish mothers are sitting in a restaurant.

The waiter comes over.

"Is ANYTHING alright...?" he asks.....

It's All Relative

Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was
incarcerated in the state prison.

The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in
maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of
day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."

The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every
day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes
home each week.

"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."

Shiva

From Yossi Tal


An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife,
children, grandchildren - came to see him, but only one was allowed in
the room at a time.
Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you?"
"Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her delicious chopped liver that she made yesterday.
Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him."
Ben went back in and reported what she'd said. "You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference."
Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the Shiva."