Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Friday, February 26, 2016

Chaim and his Mumma

Mrs. Cohen comes to visit her son Chaim for dinner. 
He lives with a female Italian roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Chain's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Chaim and his roommate than meet the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Chaim volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Chaim saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,

A few days later, Chaim received a response email from his Mama which read:

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama 
Never talk Bobba Meisas to you Mama

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

My dog has a problem

From my Friend Linda Skop Ziman 

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a  problem. ”
    Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem. ”
    "It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says  Morty.
    "He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
    "Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"
    Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
    "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. 
    And you only call me when you want something. 
    And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. 
    You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet.
    It tastes like dreck!  YOU should eat it yourself!
    And do you ever take me for a decent walk?
    NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. 
    Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! 
    I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

        Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable!  So, what's the problem?"
        Morty says, "He has a hearing problem!  I said 'Fetch,' not  'Kvetch."

Monday, February 15, 2016

Black Forest Spa Route — I Think I Need Another Massage

Looking for somewhere nice to go? 

Let me start right out and say if you see any typos or the errant, ahhhhh, it’s because I’m on the Black Forest Spa Route — otherwise known as the Schwarzwald-Bäderstrasse — and I’ve found my happy place, my zen, or whatever else you want to call it.

I’m a sucker for a good spa and an even bigger sucker for a great spa. So, imagine how giddy I am right now, traveling all 270km (168mi) of this circular route through the best of what Baden-Württemberg has to offer, smack within the northern half of the mystic Black Forest.

Now, for those of you who are just like me, the spas within the Black Forest are utterly divine; and a great place to spend every waking minute being massaged, pampered, plucked, soaked, and saunaed (is that even a word? who cares…).

But, for those of you who are traveling with anyone who doesn’t care one iota about these things — there are plenty things to do & see along the way. Or, you could leave them home and just take me along with you instead. ;-)

Start of the Black Forest Spa Route

The Black Forest Spa Route officially comprises of more towns and stops than my virtual tour here on this page. But don’t sweat… simply follow the link at the bottom to take a peek at the others.

My trip starts in Pforzheim, a town better known as the Goldstadt (or Gold City) with its jewelry making. It’s also a popular stop on the Bertha Benz Memorial Route. Believe it or not, I have no time for spa services because with all the other sightseeing, there’s no time left.

Pforzheim’s totally amazing with an arts center, jewelry museum, a wildlife park, and an Alpine Garden that’s open from April to October. There’s also the Wallberg hill to climb — quite the romantic spot for you & a loved one. Hey, don’t look at me, I only had thoughts of a deep tissue massage on the brain. :-)

The same was true of Calw and Nagold. Between all the half-timbered houses and the Vischer Palace (that’s now the Town Museum), then the Celtic royal burial mound and Castle Hohennagold — I almost (ALMOST) forgot why I was here. For which I quickly remembered when I pulled into Freudenstadt.

Freudenstadt reads like a lifestyles of the 19th century rich & famous. Mark Twain, John Rockefeller, England’s King George V, and the Queen of Sweden have come all the way to this Black Forest town to soak in its curative waters.

Over at the Panorama-Bad, you don’t have to do anything other than lay on bubble beds, swim til your fingers look like raisins, park yourself inside a sauna, or have some wonderful masseuse beat the ever-lovin’ stress right out of you. Oh, sorry, that’s what I did!

After feelin’ like Jell-O pudding, I had my choice of a hot-air balloon ride, mountain biking, or a visit to Freudenstadt’s local history museum or the Black Forest Nature Park. Decisions, decisions — now I’m stressed — gonna have to go get another massage.

Baiersbronn was my next stop. This is a lovely town with a Kneipp Health Resort, a 15th century monastery, and farm holidays for the kids. It also has 500km of hiking trails, cross country skiing, (regular skiing, too), and boasts six Michelin star restaurants.

I didn’t want to leave, but I had more spas to occupy and sights to see!

Places like Altensteig, where the Black Forest Spa Route meets up with the Deutsche Fachwerkstrasse. The Fachwhat? That would be the German Framework Road — and Altensteig has framework houses that are about 550 years old. It’s also got moorlands, vineyards, and 700,000 years of human history.

By the time I got to Baden-Baden I was ready to be pampered yet again. Little did I know how well it would be done in Baden-Baden. The soap & brush massage at the Friedrichsbad (the Roman-Irish Bath) was heavenly and the water ritual (it’s 16 steps to it) is blissfully designed to soak life’s stresses away. Hey, even just looking at the frescoes was a treat for the eyes!

Then it was time to see the Caracalla Spa, 3,000 square feet of pure aqua elegance. You’ll be the proverbial kid in a candy store, alternating between the whirlpools, waterfalls, saunas, and hot & cold rock grottos.

With a spa of this caliber, it’d be easy to forget that Baden-Baden has one of the largest concert halls in Europe, a casino that Bond would be happy to visit, and Chanel & Prada stores. Thank heaven for credit cards!

Things are a bit simpler over in Bad Herrenalb. But, I didn’t say boring. Bad Herrenalb was (is) known for its 12th century Cistercian Monastery that was dissolved when the Protestant Reformation came to the area; and there’s something magical about the ruins.

The town also has a 9-hole golf course, and its Siebentäler Therme (Seven Valleys Thermal Spa) is surrounded by sandstone cliffs.

My trip ends in Bad Wildbad, a town that’s been a resort village since the 15th century. Yes, the 15th century — meaning, they’re doing something right. The first thing you’ll probably notice is the big pinkish building. That’s the Palais Thermal, built in the 19th century and welcoming guests from all over the world.

After the hot springs, how about a visit to the Local History Museum or Bad Wildbad’s 18th and 19th century churches?

Oh, no… not again. Decisions, decisions. I think I need yet another massage. Oh, maybe a facial this time… ;-)