Sephardi and Ashkenazi’s at Shul

Classic!!

2 women talking Coronavirus

Two old Jewish ladies talking ,

Rivka- " I heard that your husband has Corona Virus ?"

Devorele – yes nebach its true

Rivka – what are you doing for him?

Devorele – Velll , for breakfast I give him matza , plain Matza

For Lunch , I give him again Matza mitten de thinnest shmear of jam or peanut butter

And for dinner I give him matza with a shmear of mayonnaise , pastrami and the thinnest pickles on top ?

Rivka – and is it helping ?

Devorele – how should I know ? it’s the only thing that slides under his door😂🤣😂

Trump fighting after election result

Gotta luv Monty Python and the holy grail 

Don’t mess with Senior Citizens

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. 

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" 

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. 

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." 

"But I didn't use them." 

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." 

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." 

"Well, we have them, and you could have." 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. 

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. 

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

 "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me." 

"But I didn't!" 

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Ivans 60th

 

Inspired poetry

From Clive Smallman:- 

Les Dawson was an English comedian, taken from us too young. An old friend prompted me to look up some of Les's jokes. His sense of the absurd and love of language is summed up thus 

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

Rabbi goes to confession

Rabbi walks in to the confessional and the Priest a little confused asks,”Can I help you Rabbi”The Rabbi says I’m a married man of thirty years with two children and recently met a young college girl that I’m having the most sensuous sex with 3-4 times a week at that seedy hotel around the corner from here.

We go at it like two animals for 2-3 hours each meeting.

The Priest says I see your problem being a married man with children and having these relations is obviously an issue,but why are you telling this to me?

The Rabbi says,”Telling you-I’m telling everybody”

40 amazing springbok tries against the all blacks

Are you comfortable?

A rabbi crossing the road is suddenly hit by a truck. A passerby immediately calls 911 and attends to the rabbi, waiting for the paramedics to arrive.

He doesn't know what exactly to do, but takes off his coat, covers the rabbi and asks him, "Rabbi, are you comfortable?"

The rabbi musters up the energy to reply, "I'm making a living!"

Thanks for the Broccoli

Thank You Hashem

Rabbi Feldman decided that it was time for his kids to show more gratitude.

“Children,” Rabbi Feldman said one night at the Shabbos table, “Hashem wants us to be grateful. That’s why we make blessings before we eat. But I want us to do more. Let’s go around the table and everyone should list things that they’re thankful for. Moishie, you go first.”

Little Moishie Feldman cleared his throat and began. “Well I’m thankful for Mommy, and I’m thankful for Abba. And Bubbie and Zadie. And all of my brothers and sisters. And this beautiful Shabbos meal. And especially the dessert. And...” suddenly Moishie paused, and everyone waited – and waited. After a long silence, Moishie looked up at his father and asked, "If I thank Hashem for the broccoli, won't He know that I'm lying?"

Yom Kippur pre Kol Nidre Service

Stay Away from Auntie Barbara when she is Pissed

The Moral of Auntie Barbara!

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Barbara. Aunty Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'


'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'


'Stay away from Aunty Barbara when she's pissed.'

Mamala choosing a wife for her boykie

Which one does Mamala choose and why? 

Brett Kaye - singing Kaddish

The Chassidic Kaddish always invokes for me the festive feeling of the Chaggim. This orchestral setting was arranged by Alon Trigger.

“Brett Kaye at St Kilda Shul - September 2020

This is sung at end of High Holydays 

Waverley Shul Choir - Great Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur Medley

Shana Tova 

To my Family and Friends celebrating Rosh Hashona- wishing you and yours L’Shana tova umetuka. 

A joyous, peaceful  and healthy New Year. May this year teach us more tolerance more solidarity and more respect. 

Hopefully those of us who are separated from our families will be able to be with them in the not too distant future. 

Wishing you Well over the Fast and May you all be inscribed in the Book of Life!

 Much love

Sharon Glass’s Paper Thin Kichel Recipe

I've been watching all the kichel making for the last 2 weeks on this group and decided today that I would share my granny's special recipe with you. I was brought up making these kichel in her kitchen. I would sit in the kitchen while she rolled the kichel paper thin. They were very special.

And the secret to them is self-raising flour. That's what makes them extra crispy. Not ordinary flour. So I'm sharing this easy delicious recipe with you all so you too can make them.

4 jumbo eggs

1/2 cup oil

1/2 cup sugar

500g self-raising flour

Beat the eggs, oil and sugar until creamy. Add the flour and knead with dough hook until a firm dough.

Preheat oven to 180 C. Spray baking racks and line a baking tray underneath with paper.

Roll out with pasta roller or by hand paper thin. Brush with extra oil and sprinkle with sugar.

Bake 8-10 minutes until light golden. Knock off gently from the rack and cool.

Shana Tovah to you all

Wishing you sweetness and good health for the New Year. 🍎🍏

Spread Laughter and Optimism like a Virus

Laughter and Optimism

Spreads like a Virus 

Even  if people don’t know 

what you are laughing at 

or what you are 

optimistic about- 

your laughter and optimism 

will spread like a virus!

What are you laughing at ?

what are you optimistic about?

Like Comment and Share!!!

A man a pig and a dog on a deserted island

YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE (Read as a poem)

Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist, 

A bisseleh maybe here and there,

The rest has gone to waste.

Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,

My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully;

 but me, I am tsemisht.

So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir, 

Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's familiar to my ear. And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact

I was shtick naches, But, when it comes to Yiddish Though, I'm talking out my tuchas.

Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better (Though it's really nishtkefelecht when one

Needs to write a letter)

But, when it comes to characters, there's really no contention, 

No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen: They have nebbishes and nebechels and

others without mazel,

Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels,

and let's not forget schlemazel.

These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener, So much better than "a pill "

is to call someone 'farbissener'.

Or - that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria, And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.

I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch,

But isn't mieskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch? Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, "It's nechtiker tog, don't fear,

To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill my ear.

A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to interrupt,

But you are speaking narishkeit.....

And A gezunt auf dein kup!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GLOSSARY

Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand

Bisseleh = A little

Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up

Och un vai = Alas and alack

Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me

Pisk = mouth

Naches = Joy, Gratification

Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible

Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton

Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role of being one Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter- fingered; dopey person

Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person; same as chlemiel

Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad luck

(it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the Shlimazel!) Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person

Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera.. Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.

Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on your nerves (Lit., Don't bang your teapot!)

Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer Mieskeit = Ugly

Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone! Forget it! Nonsense! (Lit., a night's day) Beetles got it right

Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!

Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well said! Well done!

(Lit., A long life upon your head.)

Narishkeit = Nonsense

Shaynna punim = Beautiful face

Alone , marriage and love

Here is an excerpt of an amazing Shiur on love, being alone and marriage.

A concept explored by Tevia in Fiddler on the Roof

Full Drosh

https://www.facebook.com/myJLI/videos/1743155102506875/?vh=e&extid=bI1At6gPejkgev7H

A comment 

Married couples are to complement each other so they can be fused as one. If I have nothing you are lacking and you have nothing that I lack, how can we complement each other and be fused as one? The present-day cliche for cause of divorce which is "incompatibility" is absurd. Married couples are supposed to correct each other to make them better versions of themselves so they can be fused as one. The stage of correction is very difficult but once the couple go past that, bliss is achieved, that is why they say, "your spouse should be like your friend", rightly so because a friend will tell you the truth even if it hurts and a friend will never let go no matter what.

They are not hanging Wright tonight

A Jewish attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. 

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 

'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. 

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Shabbat Shalom

South African Holiday 2005

The Unprecedented has gone - we said gai avek and Zai Gesond

Trump says I’m doing such a good job - I’m going to give myself a shekoach 

Bring on dr fuercucta - he tells us to wash our hands - and says mr trump you are doing such a good job - shekoach to you 

Bring on Mrs brexit - dresses up like she’s going to a batmitzva! - she says stay avay from each other - and that mr trump is doing such a good job

Donald trump has a gamorah Kop - he says make a lechaim with a dishwashing liquid 

The truth - nobody knows 

We have for you a breaking - what’s a breaking - zebrokkene news - ?

The unprecedented came to us in Williamsburg - we said Shalom aleichem - we then said Zai gesund and Gai  avek 

There is no more unprecedented in Williamsburg

Come to Williamsburg as my guest

Chup a mask - vosh your hands 

See you Shabbes a fortnight 

New Yiddish Word - Oysgezoomt

Icht bin Azoy Oysgezoomt 

Bobbie

Hindsight 2020 - a fairytale

The importance of Chesed

💜COMPASSION -  ‘ for others begins with kindness to ourselves’ (Chodron). 'The best part of life is not just surviving, but thriving with passion + compassion, + humor + style, + generosity + kindness' (Angelou). 'Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile,a kind word, a listening ear, an honest comment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around’ (Buscaglia).   ‘..... even in darkness it is possible to create light + encourage compassion’ (Wiesel).  Let’s be kind to ourselves + others... our random acts of human kindness can truly make a difference!  Have a mindful + beautiful Shabbas!                     ❌⭕️ Lynnie

Lecha Dodi

Lecha Dodi  - this amazing song bringing in the Sabbath throughout the world . Thanks for sharing Brett Kaye - singing with you in Sydney!!!

If you like - feel free to share and sing along !

10 Fun Facts

Some Interesting Facts on who is being affected during Covid-19

Wishing you a year of Peace and Safety

Both Pesach and Easter (depending on your religion) reflect a time for hope, peace, connection and contribution. 

I wish you and your families good health and the happiest of days ahead. 

Be strong and don't give up because together we will succeed as long as we can overcome cabin fever!

Sending love 

Israel Philharmonic Orchestra playing Pesach

Wishing all a Happy Passover and Good Health 

Brett Kaye Singing - Hinai metovu manayim - הני מטאבו מנמ

‎הני מטאבו מנמ

Hinai metovu manayim

Shevet achim gam yachat 

“How good it is for 

Brothers and Sisters 

To sit together in unity”

5 pearlers today - Thursday 26 March

It’s all the way you look at things

31 year old Sue 

zoom - Audio and video

You’ve gotta wash your hands

And Trevor Noah forgetting accents 

Trevor Noah roasting Trump and Obama on handling the Virus

Trevor Noah getting confused on accents during Corana Self Distancing and Isolation

Trevor Noah on Testing the Virus - reducing spread

Sue 31 - looking after kids at home for last 5 days

Stay Safe!!

Sage advice of what to do at home and it’s working

Heard some advice on the radio last night, it said to have inner peace, that we should always finish things we start,  and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things that I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Whiskey, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two al bee hapee wilst in de instalation.

קל הולמס קלו. Kol Ha-olam kulo - the world is a narrow place

A little fear is ok 

Overwhelming fear will paralyse

Brett shares Reb Nachman’s favourite song 

Shabbat Shalom - Brett Kaye and St Kilda shul choir

The new dog food diet

Buying dogfood at woollies the other day..... a woman asks the dude with dogfood whether he has a dog .

Life is like a box of chocolates - you just Donna what you gonna get

You just continue going about your business and then - whack!! You get smashed in the nuts! 

The Ramaphosa Shuffle

Gotta love the South African Spirit!!

Dean Martin and the Dentist at the bar

Thanking my father in law , Ronnie Bryer , for this hilarious share of Dean Martin snd the Dentist in a bar! 

Toilet paper shortage in Australia

World shortage of masks - solved

Innovation at its finest 

What do you call a man who punches your 2 front teeth out?

A Puth 

The Chicken and the Fowl comparing issues

You think Irritable Fowl Syndrome is bad - wait run til you hit henopause!

#menopause #health #viba 

What people say when they are thirsty

*THE DIFFERENCES*

 The Italian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm thirsty. I must have cognac."

The Russian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jewish man says, "I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."

HIGH HOLIDAY PERKS -

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long Shul service. One leaned over and whispered, "My tuchas is going to sleep.”

 

"I know”, replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times.”

Secret Service

*MOISHE* 

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"

 

Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."

 

The rabbi questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"

 

Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."