Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Friday, December 30, 2016

A Yoddishe Kopf

A Yiddishe Kopfn old Jewish man lived alone in the country. 

He needed to plant his potato garden but the task was too daunting for the old man as the ground was hard.His only son, Chaim, who used to help him dig, was in federal prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud investigation. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 

Dear Chaim

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

love, Papa

A few days later, the old man received a letter from his son: ;

Dear Papa!!!

For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money & stocks!!!

Love, Chaim;

At ;4:00 a.m. next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area - without finding any money or stocks.  They apologized to the old man and left.;That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa:

Can you go ahead  and plant the potatoes now?.. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Chaim

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Best Genie Joke Ever!

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 

 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 

 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. 

The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 

'No Kidding,' he said. 

  'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'