Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Friday, July 22, 2016


ARAPROSDOKIANS” are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected.

1.  Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2.  Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3.  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
4.  War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
5    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
6.  They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
7.  To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism.  To steal from many is called research.
8.  In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:'  I put 'DOCTOR.'
9.    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10.  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.
11.  Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
12.  A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.
13.  I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not so sure.
14.  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it.
15.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
16.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.
17.  I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
18. Finally, I am not arguing with you,  I am just explaining why you are wrong.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

A bargain!

Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a

woman  with perfect breasts.   

He says  to her, "Hey miss, would  you let me BITE your breasts for  $100?

"Are  you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking  away.  

He  turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she 


"Would  you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks  again.

"Listen  you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" 
So  the little old Jewish  man runs around the next block and faces her again.

"Would  you let me bite your breasts -  just once - for   $10,000?!" 

She  thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just 

once,  but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." 
So  they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the  most 

perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs  them and 

starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,  licking them, 

burying his face in them - but not biting  them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are  you gonna bite them 

or not?' 

"Nah,"  says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

Saturday, July 16, 2016

The man of the house

Tx Andrew Cohen 

The husband, having just finished reading the book, 'Man of the House', strode into the kitchen and
up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said:

"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to 
prepare me a  gourmetmeal tonight, and when I'm finished I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after
dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair??" 

His wife replied, "The Chevra Kadisha?"

Sunday, July 3, 2016

The kind hearted lawyer


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.


Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.


He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"We have to eat  grass."


"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,

" the lawyer said.


"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."


"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.


Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."


The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"


"Bring them all as well," the lawyer  answered.


They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."


"Thank you for taking all of us with you.


The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on really didn't think there was such a thing as a

heart-warming lawyer story...did you????


Saturday, July 2, 2016

Mad Caw Disease

From my golfing buddy Paul Isaacs! 


In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was interviewing Farmer Paddy O'Shea, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, ar

The interview was as follows: ....

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease ? "

Paddy stared at the reporter and said: ...............   

"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Paddy: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ? "

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point ? "

Paddy: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad ? "