Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Sunday, December 31, 2017

3 wishes

: One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted
island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
 
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
 
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out
even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
 
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a
black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and
zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead
gorgeous blonde!
 
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good
cigar?"
 
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
 
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof
pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a
fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
 
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah," said the castaway. "Ahh, that is so
good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
 
"And howlong has it been since you've had a drop of good
Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
 
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
 
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to herright sleeve,
unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handedit to
him.
 
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of
the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
 
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip
the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She
looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it
been since you've played around?"
 
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and
sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've
got golf clubs in there

Sunday, December 3, 2017

A Cabbie picks up a Nun

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''

''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''

She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''

The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''

The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''

''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''

The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''

Monday, November 27, 2017

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSSIE GIRL

 Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... 

The first man married a Greek girl. 
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. 
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. 

The second man married a Thai. 
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. 
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. 

The third man married a girl from Australia
He ordered her to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. 
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Best or worst time to speculate


October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February