Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Best or worst time to speculate


October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Koos and Japie from Brakpan


Koos and Japie from Brakpan, were in Pretoria for the Currie Cup Final when suddenly they spotted a sign on a shop window.

Suits---R20 each
Shirts---R 10 each
Trousers---R8 each

Koos says to his china, 
"Hey Japie, liewe fok, check that my broe!!! Hey we could buy a whole load of these clothes, and when we get home, we could somme just sell them, and make a moerse fortune!

"But listen, boet, when we go into the shop, keep your flippin mouth shut, 'cos if they hear your Brakpan accent, they might try to skelm us."

They go in, and Koos says, "Excuse me Sir, man I'll take 50 of your suits at R20 each, plus gimme 100 shirts at R10 each, and I'll somme also take 50 pairs of your trousers at R8 each".

The shop owner says, "You from Brakpan, right?"

"Err... ja swaar", says Koos, "but how die donner did you know"?

The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaner, you doos!!!"

Monday, September 4, 2017

Love and Marriage

How BEDROOM smells after MARRIAGE:
First 3 years....
Perfumes, Flowers,
Chocolate, 
Fruits...

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After 3 years....
Baby Powder, Johnson's Cream and Lotions, 
Baby Oils....

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After 15 years....
Tiger balm, axe oil, methylsalicilate ointment 
Vicks, 

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After 40 years....
Spiritual books, watching Tv alone

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Four stages of marriage:
��Mad for each other,
�� Made for each other,
�� Mad at each other &
�� Mad because of each other

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What's Marriage?
Answer- MARRIAGE Is The 7th Sense of Humans, that Destroys All The Six Senses and Makes The Person NON Sense..!

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Definition Of Happy Couple -
HE Does What SHE Wants…
SHE Does What SHE Wants

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Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command....

Husband: 
Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband..!!

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'Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life."
- Shakespeare

"Laughing At your Wife's Mistakes, can SHORTEN your Life...."
- Shakespeare's Wife

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Dont laugh alone,
 pass it on

Saturday, April 22, 2017

The greatest HR joke!!

There aren’t that many HR jokes around, but this one not only takes the biscuit, but raises a number of issues about attracting candidates!

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”

“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.


As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.

Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”

The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”

;-)

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