Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Friday, October 30, 2015

A bit of South Africa in Melbourne


The “tidal wave” of emigration from South Africa, following the Soweto riots, fear of a bloodbath instead of the new peaceful transition to democracy, the scarcity of jobs, black economic empowerment and the falling rand, led many young Jewish families to relocate to Australia, where there are similarities to South Africa in the climate and an approach to traditional Judaism. “In the 1990s this wave of immigration to Australia caused the Jewish community of Melbourne to swell to about 55 000. 

We do not have exact figures, as the many Holocaust survivors are reluctant to reveal their religion,” says Rabbi Yitzchok Riesenberg, spiritual leader of the Central Shul Chabad, Caulfield - colloquially known as the “South African Shul”. The shul was the brainchild of Rabbi Riesenberg and former Johannesburger Ian Harris, who has lived in Australia for 28 years. To test the market place, they placed an advertisement in the Australian Jewish News to meet at Harris’ home and explore the idea further. The first service was held in a meeting room in the Caulfield Town Hall, which was soon filled to capacity. Within weeks, former South African Brett Kaye became honorary chazan and the first two High Holy Day services were held in the Beth Weizmann Community Centre. 

The committee then arranged a lease with the ANZ Bank in the area, and, after running out of space, the next location was sharing a hall at Glen Eira College, nicknamed “Shul in a Box” as Harris and his family unpacked and packed the shul contents before and after every Shabbat. Little time elapsed before it became apparent that the synagogue needed its own space. Harris approached congregants to become foundation members and the congregation acquired land at the Caulfield South Municipal Library. Funds were raised for a permanent shul, which was opened officially on December 16, 2012. The building incorporates flowing South African planes similar to the outback in Australia and the interior, adorned with Jerusalem stone, is flooded with light - “symbolic of being a light unto the nations. Former Capetonian, Barry Barron, who immigrated to Melbourne 28 years ago with his wife and two daughters, serves on the building and finance committee. 

“Most of us are former South Africans - our new chazan Rabbi Yedidya (Didi) Levin’s father is South African. The president is Phil Goodman. Building and finance committee chairman Earle Sacher was originally a member of the Tifereth Israel Synagogue, Schoonder Street, Vredehoek. “There are 300 families who are members and the shul seats in excess of 750,” Barron said. Melbourne has become an increasingly Jewish city with 10 Jewish day schools and 15 kosher restaurants. The South African accents dominate and they seem to prefer to stick together in friendship and in worship. Esther Bassin, from Rouxville, whose son, Leslie, his wife Arlene and their three children immigrated to Melbourne 15 years ago, often attends the shul on her visits to Caulfield. 

Friday, October 23, 2015

InsIghts From the Rebbe on Shabbat Week

Mystical Insights In The Torah Portion – Lech Licha Sefer Hasichos 5749

Lech Licha refers to the soul’s descent from heaven to earth.

The soul in Heaven is in state of union with God - then descends through the three worlds of Biriah, Yetzirah, Asiyah, descending into this world, where only miraculously, does the Omnipotent One, fuse it within a body.

Though this descent of the soul from heaven to earth, from the loftiest heights to the lowest depths,  God told Avraham, that this is where his essence will be revealed (and the essence is God-Himself, hence far greater than any other soul state.)
When the Soul is in Heaven, its true essence is obscured, for it is experiencing the infinite radiance of God. It is only on earth – in the darkness – that the soul’s inner light can express itself – through which the individual becomes a continuously growing being! which is far more lofty than whatever spiritual nirvana it experiences in heaven.
Just as the Soul must descend from Heaven to earth, similarly, the individual must move out of his comfort zone. A person must move beyond both his physical and spiritual comfort zone –
“your land” refers to your desire,
“your father’s home” refers to your mind and
“your birthplace” refers to your habits

The purpose of going from one’s place to a new place is similar to the idea of life itself – ups and downs both physical and spiritual – for in all these circumstances the purpose is to reveal the inner soul of the Jew One can only see a person’s own growth when they truly are in a completely new situation.
Lech Licha fundamentally challenges a Jew to grow – beyond the three factors that naturally shape a person, their inherent disposition, their cultural disposition and their familial disposition (which in fact is even stronger than cultural as we see empirically).

Friday, October 2, 2015

Android American

As usual, we were discussing the issue of computers and robots taking over jobs (as one does) and Steven Ligoff, a smart teenager,  came up with a new term...

"Do not call machines robots or computers, that is really rude, prejudicial and  bigoted - call them 'Android- American'"

Yankel the millionaire isn't a mathematician

Great pearler at the shabbes table last night - thanks Geoff Cohen 

From Geoff....

So Yankel had just picked the numbers that one him the powerball and $5 million.

Motty, the teacher, asked Yankel "Yankelle, how did you pick the numbers 352768"

"Easy" , says Yankel "Rifkas birthday is on 3 May, and my birthday is 2 August -
3+5 =8
2+7 = 9
8x9 = 68"

"But Yoskele" says Mendel "8x9 is 72

Yoskele replies " ok, Mendel - you be the mathematican!"

Friday, September 25, 2015


An observant Jew who lived on Park Avenue, built  a   Sukkah on his balcony  

Some   of his 'high society' non-Jewish neighbours brought him to court.
They   claimed that the Sukkah on his balcony was an eyesore and was having a negative impact on the value of their homes in this posh neighbourhood.
In   court, the man was very worried about the outcome.  It was the eve of the eight-day holiday, leaving him no time to make  alternative arrangements, in case  the judge ordered him to  take down the Sukkah.
 He   prayed for help. And Hashem listened.
Judge   Ginsburg, who was Jewish himself, had a reputation of being a very wise man. After hearing both sides, he turned around to the observant Jew and scolded him: "Don't you realize that you live on Park Avenue, and not in Brooklyn? There is a certain decorum which is expected on Park Avenue.  You have no right to be putting up an ugly hut on  this lovely  street without a building  permit  authorizing  it. I hereby rule that either you remove the hut, or I  will fine you one thousand  dollars.
You have exactly eight days to  do so! Next case!" ( Good Yomtov…).

Monday, September 7, 2015

Oo and oO

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?

""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
""Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your assholebefore prison ..."


Thursday, September 3, 2015

Assistant helps Doctor look after his Patients

Doctor Cohen did not want to close his rooms on Rosh Hashannah , so he approached his assistant.

“Bruce, I am going to Shul tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

 “Yes, sir!” – answers Bruce.
 Doc goes to Shul and returns the following day and asks:

”So, Bruce , how was your day?”

Bruce told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

 “Bravo, and the second one?” – asks Doc
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Bruce.

 “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks Doc

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered.
 Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table.
 She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“ so Nu! Vot  did you do? , Bruce, vot did you do?” – asked Doc
“I put drops in her eyes.” !


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Unetanneh Tokef - Brett Kaye

Brett Kaye sings the prayer which is the highlight and heart of the Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur synagogue services. The prayer is many centuries old. The music is the version composed by Yair Rosenblum in 1990. The performance was at a solemn Yom Hazikaron (Memorial Day) event, so there is no applause.

4 pearlers from Golda

"It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived."

"Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life.  Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement."
"We Jews have a secret weapon in our struggle with the Arabs; we have no place to go." 

"It is true we have won all our wars, but we have paid for them.
We don't want victories anymore." 

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Difference between a ghet and a bris

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is completed, the woman thanks the judge and says

"Now I have to arrange for a Ghet." 

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)

She replies "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!"

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Off to work?

Prize for best comment - what is polar bear saying? ............

Going into work on a Monday...(video: Getty)

Posted by Woman's Day Magazine on Monday, 29 June 2015

Walking away when winning an argument

When you walk away after winning an argument (video: Getty)

Posted by Woman's Day Magazine on Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Thursday, June 25, 2015

What a man will do for a blow job!!

Rilka and Abie were on Safari and saw rhis antelope being chased by a cheetah ....
She said that if you save that cheetah , I will give you a blue job every day for the rest of your life.....

This is what happened next (10 seconds)

How limericks work - not!

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Good Advice

Good Advice


Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."


"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Connecting on Shabbas

The Jews Secret Weapon is 
Shabbat. It brings out a feeling of Connectedness  and Community — 

Where we learn hummus tastes better when eaten with other people. Spending time with your family and friends is not an option it’s a way of life. You’ll see animated discussions amongst friends, grandparents with their grandkids, lovers all sharing little moments. 

It's a big deal spending Christmas or Thanksgiving with their family but it can often be a forced affair. When you see this every weekend from Friday-Saturday it provides clarity into the spirit of the Jewish People.

Friends and family  are engaging and connecting  - face to face - not for any other reason but to share a Shabbas meal.

A reminder that no one is alone and all problems can be shared. 

Jews have a deep bond of connectedness  - within 60 seconds you will find a common friend or relative with deep roots and a strong emotional connection.
There is a deep cultural sense of wanting to help others not for the sake of gaining something but to make sure a friend can prosper. 

It is this fundamental element of the culture that is an incredible strength

The number of times someone has introduced me to a friend of theirs because they know they might find meeting useful.

 Just helping someone without expectation because their success is just as important as yours - makes me proud to be A part of the tribe! 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

It's hard to get good help these days


It's hard to get good help these days, particularly around the home, but many young Sydneysiders have come up with an ingenious solution. They have a middle-aged couple who they allow to live-in.

  "It works perfectly," said Phil, a 22-year-old man, interviewed for this article. "They are on-hand to do all the practical work around the house – cooking, cleaning, gardening and so forth – but have each other for company. The pair I have are really quite sweet together."

     Phil's middle-aged couple live in the main bedroom of the house and have full rights to come and go as they please. "As long as all the work is done, and the place is neat, I really don't care what they do. I give them complete freedom."

    In most cases, the arrangement has been in place for as long as anyone can remember. "They've been around since I was born", said Marco, 32, another young householder, "Come to think of it, the two of them brought me home from the hospital. On occasion, I've even left the house for a couple of years, but, when I return, they are still here, and everything is in working order. I love the way I can walk out knowing that everything will be taken care of."

    In most cases the middle-aged couple do all the shopping, most of the cleaning and pay all the bills – including electricity, gas, council rates and sometimes even the cost of the internet.

    Says Tim, a 21-year-old from Concord, "I have some friends who don't have an middle-aged couple living in their house and frankly it's hard for me to know how they cope. I mean who pays the bills? Who handles the dirty dishes and stuff? What do they eat when it's dinner time? It really has me beat."

     Of course, like all domestic arrangements, there are occasional problems. Amy, a 28-year-old from Menai, says the only negative is the way her own middle-aged couple sometimes behave as if they own the place.

    "Of course," she says, "technically speaking they do. They bought it when I was five years old. But that's no excuse for them roaming around the property at will, especially when I have friends over."

     Amy enjoys watching edgy comedies such as Girls, Broad City and Inside Amy Schumer with a group of what she calls "gal pals". "I'm open-minded, and so are my friends, but there are shows which are just not appropriate for an middle-aged couple. It makes us self-conscious to have the two of them in the room, especially when they laugh at the jokes."

  Amy paints a disturbing picture of herself gathered with a few friends in the home's kitchen/living room. "It will be 8 or 9 o'clock at night and the two oldies will come out three or four times – opening and closing the fridge, trying to find their reading glasses, getting a glass of water, sometimes even making conversation with my friends."

    Amy groans with embarrassment. "I think people should treat their middle-aged couple with respect, but respect is a two-way street. They have a perfectly nice front bedroom in which they are free to spend their evenings."

    Tim, 23, from Bondi, agrees it's not always plain sailing. "No really, my two are great – except when they say that I treat the place like a hotel. I always reply: 'well, helloooo, if you think you're running a hotel, you'll need to try a bit harder with the thread count on the sheets. And where's my room service?'"

     Dig a little deeper, though, and there's a real affection among many of these young people towards their live-in help.

    Tina, 39, seems particularly fond of the male half of her couple: "Occasionally I have to remind the old bloke about the state of the garden – especially if I'm having guests over – but most of the time he's a real self-starter. And what a loveable old dear. The middle-aged lady pretty much supervises herself. She's great. Sometimes I think she has even higher standards than myself!"

    So what's in it for the middle-aged couples? I attempted to interview several for this article, but kept getting the brush-off. "Love to speak," said one, "but I'm just too busy cleaning up after last night.  Amy had some friends over to watch the DVD of Broad City. Don't tell her, but Leo and I are catching up on it today. It's wickedly funny and actually a little bit sexy."

    I could tell the woman couldn't wait to get off the phone.

    "Maybe," she said, "we could talk once the kids leave home – sometime around January 2026? In the meantime, I don't want to keep Leo waiting."

  She hung up, with what I took to be a lascivious giggle.

   I suppose that is the thing with these middle-aged couples. Sure they have a busy household to run, and all the expenses to cover. Just occasionally, though, they do get the house to themselves.

Twitter @rglover702