Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Communication - Fluctuations

Fluctuations at the bank Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady
in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller,"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"The teller shrugged his shoulders
and said,"Fluctuations."The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Meyer and the Talking Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one night when he passed a pet store (perhaps a PetSmart -- PETM?) and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk ... vus machst du ... yeah, du ... outside, standing like a schlemiel ... eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn’t believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.

All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and handmade a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services.

Meyer spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot the Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him.

Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer’s shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"


"Daven ... feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven ... come on, everybody’s looking at you!"

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars.

He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don’t be a schlemiel," the parrot replied. "You know what odds we’ll get at Yom Kippur?!"

Hymie's Assertiveness Training

When Moshe sees his friend Hymie in Epstein’s Deli, he goes over to him and says, "Hymie, my dear friend, why so glum?"

"Because my wife Selma is always shouting at me," replies Hymie. "I just don't know what to do about it. It's driving me meshugga."

"Well I have the perfect solution for you," replies Moshe. "It worked well for me, so there's no reason to suppose it won't work for you too."

"So tell me already. What you think I should do," says Hymie.

"I think the best thing for you to do," replies Moshe, "is to sign up for an Assertiveness Training Course as soon as you possibly can."

"Hmm…" says Hymie, "I’m not sure. Let’s me check with Selma and see what she thinks.”

A woman in a Jewellery store, Farts while bending

from my friend Lawrence Fisher in Israel:-

A woman in a Jewellery store, Farts while bending over to look at a Beautiful Diamond ring.

She looks round, embarrassed,& sees the salesman standing behind her.
Totally professional, he says, "Good day Madam, How may I help U?"
... ...
Hoping that maybe he hadn't heard her ''accident'',

she asks, "Sir, whats the Price of this lovely Ring?"
He answers,
"Madam, if you Farted just Looking at it, U're going to Shit when I'll tell U the Price

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Is anything alright?

Two Jewish mothers are sitting in a restaurant.

The waiter comes over.

"Is ANYTHING alright...?" he asks.....

A Jewish grandmother

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there...he was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my God, how could you?

Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to charity?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that
you would be proud of?

A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."

A Jewish mother-in-law

In a small nineteenth century Russian shtetl, two families negotiate with a prominent yeshiva to provide two students as husbands for their daughters. The two young men set out for the town. On the way, their wagon is attacked by Cossacks, and one of the men is killed. When the survivor finally arrives in the town, a fight breaks out between the mothers of the two unmarried girls: Each claims that the young man is the intended groom for her daughter. The man himself can shed no light on the matter, and the case is brought before the local rabbi.

"Cut the boy in half," the rabbi finally rules, and let each girl be given half of his body".

"Oh, no!" the first mother says. "Don't kill him. My daughter will give up her claim".

"Go ahead and cut" the other mother says.

The rabbi stands up and points to the second woman. "That is the mother-in-law".

Steve Sheffey, Highland Park, IL, USA

It's All Relative

Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was
incarcerated in the state prison.

The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in
maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of
day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."

The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every
day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes
home each week.

"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."