Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Difference between COmplete and FInished!

When you marry the right woman, you are complete.

But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.

If the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished."

Sunday, December 9, 2012

This goes back 2 generations, 3 if you are over 50. It also explains why many Jewish men died in their early 60's with a non-functional Cardiovascular system and looked like today's men at 89.

Before we start, there are some variations in ingredients because of
The various types of Jewish taste (Polack, Litvack, Deutch and
Gallicianer). Sephardic is for another time.

Just as we Jews have six seasons of the year (winter, spring, summer,
Autumn, the slack season, and the busy season), we all focus on a main
Ingredient which, unfortunately and undeservedly, has disappeared from
Our diet. I'm talking, of course, about SCHMALTZ (chicken fat).
SCHMALTZ has, for centuries, been the prime ingredient in almost every
Jewish dish, and I feel it's time to revive it to its rightful place
In our homes. (I have plans to distribute it in a green glass Gucci
Bottle with a label clearly saying: "low fat, no cholesterol, Newman's
Choice, extra virgin SCHMALTZ." (It can't miss!) Then there are
Grebenes - pieces of chicken skin, deep fried in SCHMALTZ, onions and
Salt until crispy brown (Jewish bacon). This makes a great appetizer
For the next cardiologist's convention.

There's also a nice chicken fricassee (stew) using the heart, gorgle
(neck), pipick (gizzard - a great delicacy, given to the favorite
Child), a fleegle (wing) or two, some ayelech (little premature eggs)
And other various chicken innards, in a broth of SCHMALTZ, water,
Paprika, etc. We also have knishes (filled dough) and the eternal
Question, "Will that be liver, beef or potatoes, or all three?"

Other time-tested favorites are kishkeh, and its poor cousin, helzel
(chicken or goose neck). Kishkeh is the gut of the cow, bought by the
Foot at the Kosher butcher. It is turned inside out, scalded and
Scraped. One end is sewn up and a mixture of flour, SCHMALTZ, onions,
Eggs, salt, pepper, etc., is spooned into the open end and squished
Down until it is full. The other end is sewn and the whole thing is
Boiled. Often, after boiling, it is browned in the oven so the skin
Becomes crispy. Yummy!

My personal all-time favorite is watching my Zaida (grandpa) munch on
Boiled chicken feet.

For our next course we always had chicken soup with pieces of
Yellow-white, rubbery chicken skin floating in a greasy sea of lokshen
(noodles), farfel (broken bits of matzah), tzibbeles (onions),
Mondlech (soup nuts), kneidlach (dumplings), kasha (groats),
Kliskelech and marech (marrow bones) . The main course, as I recall,
Was either boiled chicken, flanken, kackletten, hockfleish (chopped
Meat), and sometimes rib steaks, which were served either well done,
Burned or cremated. Occasionally we had barbecued liver done to a
Burned and hardened perfection in our own coal furnace.

Since we couldn't have milk with our meat meals, beverages consisted
Of cheap soda (Kik, Dominion Dry, seltzer in the spritz bottles). In
Philadelphia it was usually Franks Black Cherry Wishniak (vishnik).

Growing up Jewish

If you are Jewish, and grew up in city with a large Jewish
Population, the following will
Invoke heartfelt memories.

The Yiddish word for today is PULKES (PUHL-kees). Translation: THIGHS.
Please note: this word has been traced back to the language of one of
The original Tribes of Israel, the Cellulites.

The only good advice that your Jewish mother gave you was: "Go! You
Might meet somebody!"

You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you
Okay?" through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3

Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.

Every Saturday morning your father went to the neighborhood deli (called an "appetitizing store") for whitefish salad, whitefish "chubs", lox (nova if you were rich!), herring, corned beef, roast beef, Cole slaw, potato salad, a 1/2-dozen huge barrel pickles which you reached into the brine for, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese
And rye bread (sliced while he waited). All of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday morning.

Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents and/or other relatives.

You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.

You had at least one female relative who penciled on eyebrows which were always asymmetrical.
You thought pasta was stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha with bowties.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
You were as tall as your grandfather by age seven and a half.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes (berg, baum, man, stein and witz).
You were surprised to discover that wine doesn't always taste like cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
When your mother smacked you really hard, she continued to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't know exactly what they mean. Kaynahurra.
You're still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby.
You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your spouse's ancestor.
You thought speaking loud was normal.
You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of Hebrew School Free" card.
You think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome snack.

You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "steel cannonballs" upon seeing fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants.

You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to Stamford Hill or Edgware and carefully shlep them home like glassware. (Or, if you live near Chigwell, Manchester or another Jewish city hub, you drive 2 or 3 hours just to buy a dozen "real" bagels.)

Your mother or grandmother took personal pride when a Jew was noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc.) and was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime as if they were relatives.

You thought only non-Jews went to sleep away colleges. Jews went to city schools... unless they had scholarships or made an Ivy League school.

And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any Jewish holiday was designated for Chinese food.

Zei gezunt!!

Friday, November 30, 2012

Labia Operation

A priest and a rabbi confessing

A priest and a rabbi were, by coincidence, sitting next to each other on a long flight.
About an hour passes and not a single word was exchanged by the two men. Finally, the priest turns to the rabbi and says, “Rabbi, do you mind if I ask you a personal question”? The rabbi said, “Of course you may.”
“I understand that many of you Jewish people, especially rabbis, keep kosher and, as such, don’t eat things like bacon or ham”. The rabbi acknowledged that. “Haven’t you ever even tasted bacon or ham?”, asked the priest.
The Rabbi explained, “Many years ago, I was a visiting rabbi in a small town in the middle of nowhere and found myself in a diner one Sunday morning. There was no one around so I ordered bacon and eggs. It was quite good but that was the only time that ever happened.”
After some time, the rabbi turned to the priest and said, “Father, do you mind if you ask you a very personal question”? The Priest said, “okay.”
“You priests take an oath of celibacy, right”?, asked the Rabbi. “Why, yes”, answered the priest, wondering where this was going.
“Well, haven’t you ever had sex since you’ve become as priest”?, asked the rabbi. The priest looked about nervously, leaned toward the rabbi and answered very softly, “Well, as a young parishioner I once met a lovely woman who was much taken with me.  One thing led to another and, well, I wound up having sex with her. But that’s the only time it ever happened.”
A few moments pass and the rabbi leans over to the priest and says, “A lot better than pork, isn’t it?”

Sunday, November 25, 2012

How to Get your son a Job!

Morris (the father)says to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
His son immediately replies: "I will choose my own bride, father."
Morris sighs: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."
The son thinks about this only for a split second - then answers:
"Well, in that case, yes! OK Dad."
Morris then approaches Bill Gates and says: "I have a husband for your lovely daughter."
Bill Gates quickly answers: "No chance! My daughter is too young to get married!"
Morris says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates thinks for a while then answers: "Ah well, in that case, yes, that'll be OK with me."
Finally Morris goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Morris smiles and says: "I have a young man to recommend as a Vice-President."
The President hurriedly answers: "Not interested, I already have
more vice-presidents than I need."
Morris continues smiling: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
A few seconds pass, then the World Bank President answers: "Ah that's interesting, Hmmm. In that case, well yes, he can start tomorrow."
And that is how successful Jews do business...

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Sparkmag: 9 Top Tips For Graduates

Sparkmag: 9 Top Tips For Graduates: 1. In a small company it is likely that processes are not documented and they have hired you before they know exactly what they want you ...

Saturday, September 8, 2012

A Jewish husband had just finished reading the book 'MAN OF THE  HOUSE' he stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

 Pointing a finger in her face, he said,  "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and  my word is law!"
"I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished  I expect a sumptuous dessert."
"Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax."
"And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and  comb my hair??"

 His wife replied, "The Chevra Kadisha!".

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows

Three novice nuns were about to take their vows. 
Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother
Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to 
marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, three Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes,
long sideburns, and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share
this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."


Shlomo's wife was screaming at him: "Leave!! Get out of this house!"

Shlomo's wife was screaming at him: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered. 

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So he turned around and replied "Oh
. So now you want me to stay?"

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Farshtaist? (Do You Understand?)

Yiddish was the secret code,  therefore I don't farshtaist, A bisseleh maybe here and there,  the rest has gone to waste. 
Sadly when I hear it now,  I only get the gist,
My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully;  but me,  I am tsemisht. So och un vai as I should say,  or even oy vai iz mir, 
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish,  it's familiar to my ear.
And I'm no Chaim Yonkel ,  in fact I was shtick naches,
But, when it comes to Yiddish though,  I'm talking out my tuchas. Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better
(Though it's really nishtkefelecht when one needs to write a letter)
But, when it comes to characters,  there's really no contention,
No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen: They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,
Then,  too,  schmendriks and schlemiels,  and let's not forget schlemazel. 
These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener,
So much better than   "a pill "  is to call someone  'farbissener'. Or  -  that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria, 
And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.
I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch, 
But isn't mieskeit kinder,  than to call someone a wretch? Mitten derinnen,  I hear Bubbeh say,  "It's nechtiker tog,  don't fear,
To me you're still a maven,  zol zein shah,  don't fill my ear.
A leben ahf dein keppele,  I don't mean to interrupt,
But you are speaking narishkeit.....And A gezunt auf dein kup!"

Glossary of Terms
Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
Bisseleh = A little
Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up
Och un vai = Alas and alack
Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
Pisk = mouth
Naches = Joy, Gratification
Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children
Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible
Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role of being one
Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered; dopey person
Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person; same as chlemiel
Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad luck
(it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the Shlimazel!)
Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person
Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera.
Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.
Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on your nerves
(Lit., Don't bang your teapot!)
Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer
Mieskeit = Ugly
Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly
Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone! Forget it! Nonsense!
(Lit., a night's day)
Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!
Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well said! Well done!
(Lit., A long life upon your head.)
Narishkeit = Nonsense

Spell Cultivate and use it in a sentence

Saul Epstein Was Taking An Oral Exam Applying For His Citizenship
Papers. He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate" - He Spelled It Correctly.
He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence.
He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A Very Cold Day, I
Vas Vaiting For A Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I Took The subvay Home."

An old Jewish beggar wanting a coffee

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street with his tin cup.
" Please sir," he pleaded to a passerby, "could you spare three cents for a cup of coffee?"
The man asked, "Where do you get coffee for three cents?"
The beggar replied, "Who buys retail?"

Sunday, July 8, 2012

3 Jewish mummas

Three Jewish mamas sitting on a park bench. 
The first one lets out a heartfelt "Oy!"
A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says "Oy vey!"
A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, "Oy veyizmir!"
To which the first bubbe replies: "I thought we agreed we weren't going to talk about our children!"

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

May 2012 Jewish Jokes!

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and
Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"
The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will
be the lucky one."

If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses
an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?


Jewish Marriage advice: "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may
leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who


Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but
she'll never forget what she forgave."


A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honors its Rabbi for 25
years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses
paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude
woman lying on the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something
extra that the President of the shul arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the
President of the shul and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you
thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our
religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard
the end of this"

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not
angry with you."

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Friday, February 24, 2012

Point of View




Thursday, February 16, 2012

How to stay married for 50 years!

A synagogue in New York City holds marriage seminars for the community.
Some are for women, some for their husbands and some they attend together.
At the seminar last week, the rabbi asked Shlomo about his marriage.
Shlomo replied he had been married almost 50 years.

Amidst the gasps of awe and murmurs, the rabbi was impressed and asked him
if he could kindly take just a few minutes to share his insight and knowledge
about how he managed to stay married to the same woman for all these years.

Shlomo replied aloud to all the assembled husbands,
we've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, let her keep a
Kosher home, take her on trips and never look at other women.
Best of all, I took her to Israel for our 25th anniversary!

The rabbi responded,
"Shlomo, you are an amazing inspiration to all of the husbands here!
Please tell us what you're planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?

Shlomo proudly replied, "I'm going back to Israel to pick her up."


A well known Anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a jewish cap / kippa, a prayer shawl / tzitzis, and traditional locks of hair / payos.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly, that everyone can hear,

"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.ג€;

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and waving to him and says 'Thank You' in an equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear.

This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you."
So the guy asks the barman, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except for him, and all that the silly bugger does is to smile and thank me in such a loud voice.

Is he nuts?
"Nope," replies the bartender.

"He owns this place."

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

What Stock Should I buy?

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, "If Julia is in office much longer - tinned food,
a generator, water, and ammunition, are your best bets."

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Communication - Fluctuations

Fluctuations at the bank Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady
in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller,"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"The teller shrugged his shoulders
and said,"Fluctuations."The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Meyer and the Talking Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one night when he passed a pet store (perhaps a PetSmart -- PETM?) and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk ... vus machst du ... yeah, du ... outside, standing like a schlemiel ... eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn’t believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.

All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and handmade a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services.

Meyer spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot the Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him.

Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer’s shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"


"Daven ... feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven ... come on, everybody’s looking at you!"

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars.

He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don’t be a schlemiel," the parrot replied. "You know what odds we’ll get at Yom Kippur?!"

Hymie's Assertiveness Training

When Moshe sees his friend Hymie in Epstein’s Deli, he goes over to him and says, "Hymie, my dear friend, why so glum?"

"Because my wife Selma is always shouting at me," replies Hymie. "I just don't know what to do about it. It's driving me meshugga."

"Well I have the perfect solution for you," replies Moshe. "It worked well for me, so there's no reason to suppose it won't work for you too."

"So tell me already. What you think I should do," says Hymie.

"I think the best thing for you to do," replies Moshe, "is to sign up for an Assertiveness Training Course as soon as you possibly can."

"Hmm…" says Hymie, "I’m not sure. Let’s me check with Selma and see what she thinks.”

A woman in a Jewellery store, Farts while bending

from my friend Lawrence Fisher in Israel:-

A woman in a Jewellery store, Farts while bending over to look at a Beautiful Diamond ring.

She looks round, embarrassed,& sees the salesman standing behind her.
Totally professional, he says, "Good day Madam, How may I help U?"
... ...
Hoping that maybe he hadn't heard her ''accident'',

she asks, "Sir, whats the Price of this lovely Ring?"
He answers,
"Madam, if you Farted just Looking at it, U're going to Shit when I'll tell U the Price

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Is anything alright?

Two Jewish mothers are sitting in a restaurant.

The waiter comes over.

"Is ANYTHING alright...?" he asks.....

A Jewish grandmother

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there...he was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my God, how could you?

Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to charity?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that
you would be proud of?

A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."

A Jewish mother-in-law

In a small nineteenth century Russian shtetl, two families negotiate with a prominent yeshiva to provide two students as husbands for their daughters. The two young men set out for the town. On the way, their wagon is attacked by Cossacks, and one of the men is killed. When the survivor finally arrives in the town, a fight breaks out between the mothers of the two unmarried girls: Each claims that the young man is the intended groom for her daughter. The man himself can shed no light on the matter, and the case is brought before the local rabbi.

"Cut the boy in half," the rabbi finally rules, and let each girl be given half of his body".

"Oh, no!" the first mother says. "Don't kill him. My daughter will give up her claim".

"Go ahead and cut" the other mother says.

The rabbi stands up and points to the second woman. "That is the mother-in-law".

Steve Sheffey, Highland Park, IL, USA

It's All Relative

Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was
incarcerated in the state prison.

The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in
maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of
day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."

The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every
day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes
home each week.

"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."