Wednesday, January 23, 2013
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end.
For those of us who have lived in Natal, we know how typical
this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes
up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3
was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2
-- Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****,
what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These people are crazy.
CHILLI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang. Judge #
2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY... Judge # 1
-- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good
use of chilli peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium
pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone
knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.
CHILLI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge
# 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a curry. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping
across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chill i an aphrodisiac?
CHILLI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry,
could use more tomato. Must admit the chil li peppers make a strong
statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It really **** me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
CHILLI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now
a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely
going to **** myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my **** with a snow cone
CHILLI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably). Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade
in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too
painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILLI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final
entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and
pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report