Jokes that have made me laugh.... a comilation by Ivan Kaye
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Ed Hunter: The 37 Things You Only Know if You’re a Senior Recruiter
Is this tue????
You’ve been in recruitment for a while now. You know the game. You’ve seen people come and go in your company like the changing of the wind. You probably have a smart answer prepared for Friday night beers when that 9/10 asks you what you do for a living.
When it comes to recruitment, you’ve earned your stripes!
And because you’re a seasoned veteran, here’s the summation of what you’ve learned so far…
Realising ‘OTE‘ actually means ‘Obviously Totally Exaggerated’
Knowing 4 out of every 5 rookies won’t make the end of their second week…
… And the one that does won’t be the one you (and everyone else) chatted up in the first week
The first ‘newbie’ to nonchalantly stroll in 5 minutes late with a smile on their face will normally be the first to go
You can tell a good CV from a bad CV from a 3 second glance
You know not to count your chickens before the money’s in the bank…
…But you do every time and start shopping online the moment after sending that ‘dead cert’ CV
You revel in an opportunity to justify why you’re better than a client’s current supplier, who you know by name
Hitting target with time to spare and miraculously ‘finding’ a deal on the very first day of the next month.
3PM onwards on a Friday is a recruitment ghost town. You WILL NOT get hold of candidates OR clients…
…But you’ll still try upon your boss’s insistence!
Lunch meetings with a client on a Friday means a free boozy lunch (whether the client’s there or not)
You know the exact amount to the nearest pound that’s likely to get signed off on an expense form
You know the phone number which gets stuck on a ‘VM’ loop when you’re up against the clock for phone times
‘lmtcb’ is one of the most pointless things you can write on the database. No one’s checking and they won’t call back
Pay day = commission day and the best day of the month…
… But also the day ‘chats in the boardroom’ turn into people leaving swiftly with their head down
‘Monthly lunch club’ means shots before your starter is for some reason acceptable…
… Especially for Jill in Accounts who’s somehow ‘never done a Jaeger Bomb before’
The company trip means ANYTHING goes
Walking around on the phone with a headset, while throwing a ball to yourself lets everyone in the office know YOU MEAN BUSINESS!
All leads, jobs, interviews and CVs sent will be saved for ‘BD Day‘ with the promise of an early finish for the victor
Sending a connection request to that 9/10 on LinkedIn, to reaffirm you aren’t a stalker…
… Then panicking when it’s not accepted
Overhearing your mate say “Yeah I’m a Headhunter” in the pub and correcting them with “he means Recruiter!”
Spotting another recruiter in a bar from 1000 paces… and being able to guess who they work for… and whether they’re any good
REALLY wishing you had a life during the week other than recruitment…
… So promising yourself you’ll take some time out this week…
… Until that mega urgent job comes in and you’re still at your desk at 9PM
Knowing that if a colleague leaves their desk to take a call, they’ll be leaving within the month
‘Home truths’ and tears are on the menu at the Christmas Party…
… Along with P45s the next day
New initiatives rolled out by management are likely to last 2 weeks, but your feigned ‘enthusiastic face’ would get you a lead part in Neighbours
Knowing full well that sending an introductory email touting for business WILL NOT bring in business…
… But doing it anyway and logging it on the database
Wishing some days you’d never gone into recruitment…
… But mostly being glad you did and absolutely loving it when things go well
There you have it. That’s all for now. Keep fighting the good fight.