A Bissela Yiddish

Let's learn a little Yiddish today!

 Assigned names which were usually undesirable, for good reason!

   Examples:

  PLOTZ (to die),

  KLUTZ (clumsy),

  BILLIG (cheap)

  DREK (shit)

  YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE

  Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist,

  A bisseleh maybe here and there, the rest has gone to waste.

  Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,

  My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.

  So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,

  Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's familiar to my ear.

  And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I was shtick naches,

  But, when it comes to Yiddish though, I'm talking out my tuchas.

  Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better.

  Though it's really nishtkefelecht when one needs to write a letter.

  But, when it comes to characters, there's really no contention,

  No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen:

  They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,

  Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels, and let's not forget schlemazel.

  These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener,

  So much better than "a pill " is to call someone "farbissener".

Or, that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria,

  And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.

  I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch,

  But isn't meiskeit nicer, than to call someone a wretch?

  Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, "It's nechtiker tog, don't fear,

  To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill my ear.

  A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to interrupt,

  But you are speaking narishkeit.....And A gezunt auf dein kup!"

  ~~~~~~~~

  GLOSSARY

  ~~~~~~~~

  Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand

  Bisseleh = A little

  Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up

  Och un vai = Alas and alack

  Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me

  Pisk = mouth

  Naches = Joy, Gratification

  Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children

 Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible

  Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton

  Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role of being one

  Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered

  Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person

  Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad

  luck (it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the Shlimazel!)

  Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person

  Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera.

  Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.

  Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on your nerves

  Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer

  Mieskeit = Ugly

  Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly

  Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone! Forget it!

  Nonsense! (Lit., a night's day)

  Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!

  Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well said! Well done!

  Narishkeit = Nonsense

  Hope you enjoyed!

The Goldstein Brothers

A little Hebrew and Greek

I know a little Hebrew and a little Greek

They own a deli not far from here

Young single girl gets pregnant and mummela speaks to man who did this

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits uneasily in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."

Jewish Infidelity

Great post From Adam Kegel 

An  elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the  table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Esther, soon we will be married 50  years, and there's something I have to  know. 

In all of these 50 years, have you  ever been unfaithful to me?"

Esther replied, "Well, Herman, I have to be  honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50  years, but always for a good reason."

Herman was obviously hurt by his  wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean  by 'good reasons?'"

Esther said, "The first time was shortly after we  were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay  the mortgage.  Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the  next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Herman  recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. 

You  saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Esther asked, "And do  you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the  heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you  recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Herman.  "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that.

 Now  tell me about the third time."

"All right," she said. "So do you remember  when you ran for president of the synagogue, and you needed 73 more  votes?"

Oy Vey!!!

3 Mummas boasting about their sons

Three middle aged women in a sauna having a pleasant conversation about their children.

One lady says, my son is a doctor, his office is on Fifth Avenue...

Not to be outdone, second lady chimes in, my son is an architect and his office is on Park Avenue!

Third lady sighs and says Oy vey, meine son is a homosexual...  And the other two chime in, so where is his office?

What’s on a man’s mind

Converting a bear

A rabbi, a priest and a Baptist minister are talking about who is the best at what they do. Is it the priest, the minister or the rabbi? So, they decide to separately go into the woods and convert a bear. Whoever is the best at converting a bear is the best at what they do. So, a week later they meet and they ask the priest: “How did it go?” and he says: “It was fantastic! I read to him from the Bible, and Sunday morning he was in the front row of the church.” Then they say to the minister: “How did it go for you?” The minister says, “Fantastic! I found the bear in the woods, I gave him one of my sermons, I took him down to the lake and baptized him and Sunday morning he was in the front row of my church!” Then they look at the rabbi and he’s in a body cast from head to toe. So they say, “What happened to you?” He goes, “Well, I shouldn’t have started with circumcision.”

Picture this person in a full body cast.That’s funny in itself. He’s a poor schlep. And then you find out why. A joke is not a joke without a surprise ending.

I see this joke as saying Jews are willing to keep Judaism alive at all costs. For Jews, it’s not just about the words, it’s not just about speaking, it’s about physical action too. Our mitzvahs, for instance. You have to do things: help people, cook for a sick person and don’t forget circumcision! 

This is not only a joke, it’s really a short story. Jews don’t just tell jokes. Like Sholem Aleichem or Isaac Bashevis Singer, we are storytellers. As we do with our history and the Oral Law, we pass our stories down through the generations. 

Mark Schiff, a stand-up comedian, actor and writer, has had HBO and Showtime specials, appeared onMad About You and written for Roseanne. 

https://momentmag.com/jokes/

Proud of her baby

What did the Jewish mother say to her porn actress daughter after a gang bang? “You were the best one.”

This is an original written by [the late songwriter] Adam Schlesinger. (He said I could have it, even!) 

Jewish mothers are so freaking proud of their children, no matter what.

Sarah Silverman 

Shadchan selling the bride

A prospective bridegroom is taken by the shadchan to the home of a potential bride. The bridegroom takes one look at her and whispers to the shadchan, “Why did you bring me here? She’s old, she’s ugly, she has bad teeth, she squints and she seems to have a limp.” And the shadchan replies, “You don’t need to lower your voice, she’s also deaf.”

Another one 

—“She has a hump? Well, you know she won’t be unfaithful!”

The kvetcher

A man gets on a train. He’s going from Grand Central Station in New York City to Chicago. It’s a fairly lengthy train trip, which is a good thing, because he’s going there to deliver a lecture on Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit,a book he hasn’t actually opened in the last 15 years. So he gets onto the train, sits down, takes out his copy of The Phenomenology of Spirit, which he’s planning to review on this lengthy train ride, and as he’s doing this an older Jewish man comes in, excuses himself and sits down opposite. For a while everything is fine. The man reads his book. Then, about half an hour outside New York, the old man leans back in his seat and looks up at the ceiling and says “Oy, am I thoisty!” Fifteen seconds later, he does the same thing. And then 15 seconds after that he does it again. The guy with the Hegel book realizes this will go on as long as the other man is thirsty, so he sighs, marks his place in the book, gets up, walks down the corridor all the way to the end of the car where there’s one of those fountain things with Dixie cups, fills one, gets about ten steps back, thinks better of it, turns around, goes back, takes another Dixie cup and fills it too. So he’s walking the aisle of this moving train, very gingerly trying to balance two full cone-shaped paper cups of water without spilling too much onto his suit. He gets back to his seat. The old man hasn’t noticed anything. He’s just sitting there going, “Oy, am I thoisty!” The professor hands the old man the cup. The old man takes the cup, his eyes shining with gratitude, and drains it. Before he can say anything, the professor gives him the other cup, and he drains that too. The professor goes past him to his seat where he’s left his Hegel, picks up the book, opens to the marked page, reads about three words, and the old man goes, “Oy, was I thoisty!”

 I think this joke penetrates to the heart of the Ashkenazi Jewish mindset.

Michael Wex is the author of Born to Kvetch, Rhapsody in Schmaltz and many other books.

https://momentmag.com/jokes/

There’s a fly 🪰 in the raisin bread 🥯

A young Jewish boy, being an obedient son, goes to the bakery to deliver a message from his mother to a very busy and very overworked baker. As the baker is working, the boy yells out, “My momma says there was a fly in the raisin bread.” The baker continues at his task, hardly taking notice. So the boy yells out again, “My momma says there was a fly in the raisin bread.” The baker, wishing to put an end to the nuisance, says, “Fine. So bring me the fly, I’ll give you a raisin.”

Jewish Seichel!!

There is the underlying message of, “The big tragedy of your life inthis moment may not be the biggest tragedy. Worse things can happen.” 

He should be bending over backward to make amends and retain his customer. Instead, from a people with a history that includes slavery, plagues, pogroms, displacement and the Holocaust, comes the simple declaration that says, “There are millions of people that hate us, misunderstand us and want to wipe us out and you’re worried about a fly?” Jewish practicality and realism all mushed together in a short joke. Gorgeous.

Jason Alexander 

https://momentmag.com/jokes/

Is anything ok?

What did the waiter say to the group of Jewish women sitting in a restaurant? “Hello, is anything okay?”

We complain about the food and the drinks, the heat and the cold. It’s cooked too much, it’s not cooked enough. We have to switch seats all the time, there’s too much of a draft. I have this new joke in my act where I say, “I had lunch with my mother the other day, and she looked up at me and said, ‘I didn’t like this chicken salad.’ And I’m like, ‘It didn’t even come yet.’”

Jessica Kirson 

https://momentmag.com/jokes/

A Frenchman , German and Jew - all thirsty

There are three guys—a Frenchman, a German and a Jew—making their way across the desert after their car breaks down. The German says “I’m so thirsty. I must have some beer,” and the Frenchman says, “I’m so thirsty. I must have some white wine,” and the Jew says, “I’m so thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

Converting to Catholicism

…Maish and Benny, who walk by a church whose sign says that anyone who converts will be given $1,000. Maish goes in to check it out. When he returns, Benny says, “Did you get the $1,000?” And Maish says, “Don’t you people ever think of anything but money?”

https://momentmag.com/jokes/

James Korden at the “Kosher Western” Butchery

This is gold 

You Jewish?

I’m not jewish - but all my friends are - so I’m practically Jewish 

One can of Tuna - shemsich - makes me sad - do you live alone?

Ah yayayayay a yayaya 

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

       

Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy Citibank!"

       

       

Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

       

       

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince... I intend to purchase Microsoft! 

       

       

They then all wait for the Jew to speak.

       

       

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon  neatly on the table, takes a sip of his  coffee, looks  at them and casually says:           

       

       

"I'm not  selling!!"

70 year old golfer with sexy girlfriend

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Golf club  with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde hangong on to hos arm arm and listening intently to his every word and laughing at his jokes 

His buddies ask him 

"Bob,how'd you get this trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade  her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? 

Did you tell her you were 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No. I told her I was 90."

Dovening Anywhere

Yom Kippur crying

The guy praying next to me was crying so much that I started getting jealous thinking about all the bad things he did during the past year

SYNAGOGUE DOG

A jewish guy walks into his synagogue on Yom Kippur with with his dog. The rabbi stops him at the door and says "Moishe, what's the matter with you? You can't bring a dog in here."

"Don't worry, Rabbi," replies Moishe, "Isaac here is just as orthodox as I am, and he's come to pray." And as soon as he says that, the dog stands up on his hind legs, pulls a yarmulka out of Moishe's pocket, grabs a prayer book and starts praying in perfect Hebrew.

The Rabbi is amazed. "Oh my god," he says, "this is incredible, Moishe. You should make this dog become a rabbi!"

"You tell him that, Rabbi," replies Moishe. "He wants to become a doctor."

Church Bells, Fire sirens and a bissela luv

Thanks Malcolm Steingold 

A beautiful young celebrity was being interviewed after the passing of her 91 year old husband. He was a Jewish billionaire who shall remain nameless. Reporter: “You just married him because he was rich and powerful didn’t you? How could a beautiful young woman enjoy making love to a 91 year old little Jewish man?”  The young woman replied “you are wrong. I loved him dearly and he was the best most considerate lover I have ever had. We used to make love once a week on a Sunday to the rhythm of the church bells.” The reporter responded. That is incredible but very romantic”. The beautiful young woman responded “Yes I know. I miss him so much and if the fire engine had not gone past our house last Sunday he would still be alive.😢 Sigh.”

Who can relate?

Language is such a powerful weapon - that can easily be misinterpreted (tx Kala 😜)

I Choose Hope

Shana Tova Umetucha

שנה טובה ומתוקה

As our community fights the the Delta Covid-19, it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty. People are  reeling from losses - of loved ones, incomes, support, lockdowns, systems and freedom

Edith Eger who wrote her holocaust memoir “The Choice” in 2017, shared how we always have the choice of what we put into our minds - and hope - even though this is so very hard to do when we are in the grip of despair. 

These were the final wise words from her mother who was murdered at Auschwitz.

Many people need financial and emotional support with burial services team working around the clock. Families are separated from their loved ones in their final hours. 

But disaster brings out the best in people -  tremendous kindness, generosity and compassion in abundance . 

Disaster brings out very best of humanity and that’s what fills me with gratitude and hope.

We cannot choose our environment and the dangers of Covid or war or external challenges that we may have 

We can choose how we focus our thoughts, and through which lens we view our world.

You  don’t need to polish your  turd - but you can look beyond the turd - you can thank G-d that the turd is rather out than in! 

So, when we struggle with despair or helplessness - and we will, time and again, we need to  go back to the choice we have - 

The Choice to hope and be optimistic about the future 

Hope gives your heart courage and strength to do the right thing  no matter how afraid and vulnerable we feel. (Psalms 27:14). 

Hope is that this too shall pass, that when working together we can rise to what life is demanding of us, and that we have the power to see the good and feel the gratitude. 

 “Everything is in the hands of Heaven, except our belief in Heaven.” We are not in control…truthfully, we never were, but we do have one choice and that is to choose hope.

Blessings in times of crisis (from a South African Rabbi)

“When Covid hit our community 15 months ago, I pulled out the Chev’s burial records from the Spanish Flu in 1918. I was desperate for some experience to lean on and some information to prepare us for what might come. I was astounded at what I found. A hundred years ago people were burying their small children in significant numbers. I keep this record book open on my desk as a reminder that however dark things look, there is so much light. This awful virus has spared our young children. Our choice is to see the light and the good and to strengthen and protect ourselves with gratitude. “

Our choice is to hope that G-d will help us, do everything we can to strengthen ourselves and remember that the outcome is in His hands.

Wishing us all a Shana Tova Umetukah - and have the courage and faith to choose to keep on hoping

Tour of old city -Shana Tova לשנה הבאה -next year in Jerusalem

This isn’t a joke …. But an amazing tour of the old city

Enjoy

Home Made Covid Test

Save some money with this home made #covidtest

Put one finger on nose

One finger in tochus

Swop finger positions

If you can’t smell anything 

Isolate immediately!

When you’ve been married for many years

Abie and Hymie looking for wives in a supermarket 

Abe and Hymie are moving about 
in a supermarket when their carts collide...

Abe says “Excuse me, but I’m looking 
for my wife.”... 

”What a coincidence, so am I and

 I’m getting desperate!” says Hymie. 

Abe answers “Well maybe I can help you..
.what does your wife look like?..

.”She’s tall, with dark hair, long legs,
 firm ‘hooters’ and a tight toochus.

What’s your wife look like?”,

 to which Abe responds
 “Never mind, let’s look for yours”

The secret of rye bread

Two Jewish guys, one 68 and one 78, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 78-year-old had just finished his morning  jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 68-year-old was amazed at the  guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 78-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina  with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 68-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do  you have any rye bread?"

She said,  "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I  want five loaves."

She said,  "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be  hard."

The old man says to himself,  "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me. "

Not so funny - where have you heard this before ?

The pandemic has exacerbated existing political discontent from TheEconomist

Excerpt from the Economist 

In many countries around the world, from Brazil to Belarus, Cuba to South Africa  the pandemic is stirring unrest.

In Cuba  - where tourists were main source of become - shops are empty, they have nothing for dinner and the electricity keeps failing! “We have nothing to lose”

In Columbia - Youth unemployment has risen to 30%. Over several days in May, protesters manned barricades, attacked police stations and looted businesses in Cali, the country’s third-largest city.

In South Africa - the jailing of Zuma  snowballed into mass looting and the burning of shops and businesses - not the corruption and rotten government - but because the people are hungry. 

Pandemics expose the gulf between the haves and have-nots.

Rich people with wine cellars have carried on tippling behind their high walls, but the poor have been deprived of one of life’s pleasures, and harassed by police when they indulge. During the riots, liquor stores were among the first to be looted.

Rich and well-connected go to the front of the queue for vaccinations, medical treatment and government help. 

People are angry about the economic hardships they face.

They are angry that their leaders have not done a better job of containing the coronavirus.

 At the same time, people’s suffering has created a sense of solidarity which is fanning grievances that smouldered long before anyone had heard of Covid-19.

Why you should take the vaccine

Tevye to his wife Re Cows, Hens and Shloimi

Tevye says to his wife while trying to get romantic in bed, "Zieskeleh, stroking her breast, if these could give milk we could get rid of the cow!Oy Tevye, what's with you!? Then Tevye slowly moves down her zoftig body and starts to caress her between the thighs. Oy Tevye, she gasps.! Tevye says, Kitzeleh, if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens! Oy Tevye she gushed and takes ahold of his Shmekeleh! Stroking it she says, Oy Tevye if this would get hard we could get rid of your brother Shloimi!

Why South Africa will not only Survive - but thrive

People working  together as a team 

Diversity Equity and Inclusion 

Holding people to Account 

A desire by all to succeed and make this Rainbow Nation an example that the world can follow .

The talking Jewish Dog kvetching

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,

"So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said "Fetch", not "Kvetch."

A Jew and an Arab meet in a Bar

A rich Arab...

A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy at the far end of the counter wearing a Jewish Kippah (skull cap), a prayer shawl/tzitzis and with the traditional locks of hair ... very obviously Jewish. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there." 

When eventually all the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, and shouts - so everyone can hear him, "Thank you!" This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew who, as before, does not seem bothered and once again yells, "Thank you!" He does this a third time, again not including the Jew and again being thanked enthusiastically. 

The Arab by now has become extremely perplexed so he asks the bartender: "What’s the matter with that Jew? I've ordered three rounds of

drinks for every one of the 113 people in this bar except him and all the silly fool does is smile and thanks me. Is he insane?" 

"Nope", replies the bartender - He owns the place!"

The comparison of Greek and Jewish contribution to culture

A Greek and a Jew were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Jews who discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Jews who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough, but it was the Jews who got women involved.”

My dad the lawyer

Two small Jewish boys were talking at the zoo one day. “My daddy’s an accountant,” the first boy said. “What does your dad do?”

“My daddy’s a lawyer,” the second boy replied.

“Honest?”

“No, just the regular kind.”

The dovening dog

A man walks into the synagogue  with a dog. The president comes up to him and says, "Pardon me sir, but this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here!"

"What do you mean?" says the man. "This is a Jewish dog. Look."

The president looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel around its neck this dog has a tallis bag around its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "kipah!"

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipah and puts it on his head.

"Rover," says the man, "tallis!"

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it around his neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a prayer book and starts to pray.

"That's fantastic," says the president, "absolutely incredible! You should take him to Hollywood!

"You talk to him," says the man, "he wants to be a doctor."

The Tiger the Lion and the Donkey

The fable entitled, 'The Donkey and The Tiger', author unknown, has a powerful message: Never waste time on a discussion that makes no sense. When ignorance screams, intelligence should shut up!! 

-

The donkey told the tiger, “The grass is blue ". The tiger replied, ′′ No, the grass is green”.

The discussion became heated up, and the two decided to submit the issue to arbitration, and to do so they approached the lion, King of the Jungle. Before reaching the clearing in the forest where the lion was sitting on his throne, the donkey started screaming:

′′Your Highness, is it true that grass is blue?". The lion replied, ′′ True, the grass is blue"

The donkey rushed forward and continued, ′′ The tiger disagrees with me and contradicts me and annoys me please punish him ".

The king then declared, “ The tiger will be punished with 5 years of silence ".

The donkey jumped for joy and went on his way, content and repeating, ′′ The grass is blue, The grass is blue "...

The tiger accepted his punishment, but he asked the lion, “Your Majesty, why have you punished me?, After all, the grass is green”.

The lion replied, “Yes, in fact, the grass is green ".

The tiger asked, “So why do you punish me?".

The lion replied, “That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave, intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with a donkey, and on top of that to come and bother me with that question "

The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who doesn't care about truth or reality, but only the victory of their beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on discussions that make no sense.

There are people who, for all the evidence presented to them, do not have the ability to understand, and others who are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and the only thing that they want is to be right even if they aren’t.

When ignorance screams, intelligence shuts up. Your peace and tranquillity are worth more.

 #priorities #emotionalintelligence #stories #fables

Matzah and Strength

Gay

Bernie gets word that his elderly father is in a hospice in Florida and his death is imminent.

 Bernie who has not spoken or contacted his father for sometime hurries to his bedside.

 He rushes to his father’s bedside and clutches his hand and says he is sorry for being so distant for all this time.

 He asks his father , that since he is the only heir, “Poppa , I’m so sorry I’ve been so distant, but what are you doing with your bank accounts, your art collection, your condo, your Cadillac?

 The old dying man motions Bernie to move closer and whispers in his ear “ gay”

 Bernie is taken aback he does not understand, he asks his father 

“ Poppa are you saying you are gay and leaving everything to your lover?”

 His father whispers again “ nein, nein, gay”

 Bernie still doesn’t understand and says “ Poppa do you think I’m gay and will give all your riches to my lover?”

  The old man gathers all his remaining strength and says as clearly as he can, “ nein, Nein, du nischt fashtain, GAI KAKEN”

A Rabbi’s gift from the President

A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honours its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. 

When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed. 

She greets the Rabbi with, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the President of the shul arranged for you.” The Rabbi is incensed. 

He picks up the phone, calls the President of the shul and shouts, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this. 

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and asks, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.”

Sammy Davis Jr gets on a bus down South

Sammy Davis Jr. converted to Judaism in 1961. Not surprisingly when the Dean Martin Celebrity Roast honored Sammy in 1975, his conversion was joked about repeatedly by the amazing comedians. (It's on YouTube, well worth checking out.) 

When Joey Bishop took the podium he told the following story:

(To Sammy): "You remember 12 years ago this very month, we were down South doing a benefit together? We got on the bus----the driver said to you, 'You'll have to sit to the rear of the bus,' 

"Sammy says: 'I'm Jewish!' The driver says, "get off!"

Pussycats

A little old Jewish man is sitting on the beach in Miami Beach reading his newspaper. 

A little old Jewish woman walks over to him and says "Pardon me you're new in town aren't you?

"Ya" he grunts not moving and still reading his paper.

"Do you like going out dancing?"

"Mm" he grunts still focused on his paper

"Do you like the theater?"

"Mm"

"Do you like fine dining"? 

"Mm"

Finally in desperation to get some kind of response from him she tries "Do you like pussycats?"

Suddenly he drops his paper, looks her right in the eye, walks over to her, takes her to the ground and makes mad passionate love to her right there on the beach, 

After they're finished she turns to him and says "How did you know what I really wanted?"

To which he replies "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Man trying to sit on a stool at Messina

An old gentlemen goes into an old fashioned ice cream parlor with the swivel stools.He is having a hard time getting on the stool.

He orders an ice cream sundae. The girl starts to prepare it and she realizes she didn't ask what condiments he wants. 

She turns toward him, still having trouble getting on the stool, and asks" wet nuts?"

He responds " no! arthritis."

Old couple getting married visits a pharmacy

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89,  are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our bridal registry."

A Jewish man goes on a cruise

One of my favorite jokes.

A Jewish man goes on a cruise. He happens to stand next to a tall, rugged Texan. The Texan looks at the thin Jewish man and says, "Are you sure you will be fine on the open seas?"

The Jewish man, not wanting to sound intimidated says, "Yes. Definitely."

The journey begins and the Texan takes a nap. The Jewish man gets sea sick and vomits on the Texan. The Texan wakes up, looks at the vomit, and then looks at the Jew.

The Jewish man smiles and says, "Nu, you feel better?"

Mr Goldberg fired from the Convent

A Jewish man gets a job at a Convent as a handyman.

He is a very hard worker an d does all that is asked of him , but one day he is called into the Mother Superior’s office.

 He enters and she is at her desk looking very stern.

 She clears her throat and says “ Mr. Goldberg, I am very sorry but I have to let you go”

 “Why?” He asks “did I not do a good,job?”

  “ Yes, you did a good job”, so replies, “ in fact you did such a good job that we overlooked a lot of things you did, we didn’t get upset when you washed your socks in the holy font, nor did we get upset when you called Jesus  Yussel  everytime you walked past, we didn’t even mind when you demanded that part of the refrigerator be kept kosher, but I’m sorry Mr. Goldberg, you called me Mother Shapiro for the last time!’

Funny Joke to a boss

Thanks Victor Perton 

This made me #laugh!  Saturday humour!

"My boss just emailed me and told me to send her one of my funny jokes. 

"I replied, "I'm working at the moment. I'll send one later."  

"She writes back, "That was awesome! Send me another one."

____________________________

Got a funny joke to share?

Photo today is dawn at Port Melbourne....  wading in the cool water with a warm breeze billowing around me.

Jewish Barbie for sale

The last time I was I New York, my daughter requested that I bring back a Barbi doll. So I stopped in a toy store in the Jewish area and started looking around.

      "How much is this Barbie doll set?"

      "$19.95." the Jewish merchant answered.

      "How much is the set here, Barbie at the beach?"

      "Also $19.95."

      I eyed another set, "how much is Barbie in the discotecque?"

      "Also $19.95."

      "And this one here, Barbie at home?"

      "Also $19.95."

      "Well, what about this one, Barbie goes shopping?"

      "Also $19.95."

      "O.K., how about this, Barbie gets married?"

      "Also $19.95."

      "And this, Barbie plays tennis?"

      "Also $19.95."

      "What about this one. Barbie get a Bat Mitzvah?"

      "Also $19.95."

      I eyed the last one and hoping for a lower price asked, "How much is this, Barbie gets a divorce?"

      "Ah, dots $199.95!"

      "Wow, why so much?"

      "Vell, dot comes vit Ken’s car, Ken’s wardrobe, Ken’s house, und, Ken’s benk account!"

Golf or an affair?

Another one from Andrew Cohen

Slight of foot . . . 

Moshe is having an affair with his secretary Kate and one afternoon, she persuades him to leave work early and go to her place for an hour or so. He agrees. 

Whilst they are enjoying themselves, Moshe suddenly notices the time. He quickly takes off his shoes, goes into Kate's garden, and rubs them for a couple of minutes on the grass and mud. He then puts them back on and drives home to his wife Naomi. 

"So where have you been, you shmuck?" shouts Naomi as soon as he walks through the door. "I've been trying to contact you all afternoon, but your iphone was off and no one in your office knew where you were."

"I'm an honest person, darling, and I can't lie to you," replies Moshe. "I've been with my secretary all afternoon at her place."

But Naomi takes one look at his shoes and shouts, "You lying momzer. You fershtinkener. You've been out playing golf again, haven't you?"

Who’se Sharon?

Where was i . . . 

Sam Levy texted his wife, "Darling, sorry to tell you but I got hit by a car near my office this morning and I'm now in mount sinai. Sharon brought me here. The doctors have been making tests and taking X-rays and the good news is that they've told me that the big blow I took to my forehead shouldn't have any lasting effect. But I've broken two ribs and my left arm. I've also got a fractured leg which they say should hopefully heal over the next 3 months or so. Sorry darling for putting you through all this worry." 

Moments later, his wife Esther texted back, "Who's Sharon?"

Retired Golfer , Naked Woman and Lion Tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

Egg Klap

from the Ozzie Slang Dictionary:

http://www.koalanet.com.au/australian-slang.html

A

Ace! : Excellent! Very good! 

Aerial pingpong : Australian Rules football 

Amber fluid : beer 

Ambo : ambulance, ambulance driver

Ankle biter : small child 

Apples, she'll be : It'll be all right 

Arvo : afternoon 

Aussie (pron. Ozzie) : Australian

Aussie salute : brushing away flies with the hand 

Avos : avocados 

B

B & S : Bachelors' and Spinsters' Ball - a very enjoyable party usually held in rural areas 

Back of Bourke : a very long way away 

Bail (somebody) up : to corner somebody physically 

Bail out : depart, usually angrily 

Banana bender : a person from Queensland 

Barbie : barbecue (noun) 

Barrack : to cheer on (football team etc.) 

Bastard : term of endearment 

Bathers : swimming costume

Battler : someone working hard and only just making a living 

Beaut, beauty : great, fantastic 

Big Smoke : a big city, especially Sydney or Melbourne

Big-note oneself : brag, boast 

Bikkie : biscuit (also "it cost big bikkies" - it was expensive)

Billabong : an ox-bow river or watering hole 

Billy : teapot. Container for boiling water.

Bingle : motor vehicle accident

Bities : biting insects 

Bitzer : mongrel dog (bits of this and bits of that) 

Bizzo : business ("mind your own bizzo") 

Black Stump, beyond the : a long way away, the back of nowhere 

Bloke : man, guy 

Bloody : very (bloody hard yakka) 

Bloody oath! : that's certainly true 

Blow in the bag : have a breathalyser test 

Blowie : blow fly 

Bludger : lazy person, layabout, somebody who always relies on other people to do things or lend him things

Blue : fight ("he was having a blue with his wife") 

Blue, make a : make a mistake 

Bluey : pack, equipment, traffic ticket, redhead 

Bluey : blue cattle dog (named after its subtle markings) which is an excellent working dog. Everyone's favourite all-Aussie dog. 

Bluey : heavy wool or felt jacket worn by mining and construction workers.

Bluey : bluebottle jellyfish

Bodgy : of inferior quality 

Bog in : commence eating, to attack food with enthusiasm 

Bog standard : basic, unadorned, without accessories (a bog standard car, telephone etc.)

Bogan : person who takes little pride in his appearance, spends his days slacking and drinking beer

Bogged : Stuck in mud, deep sand (a vehicle). 

Bondi cigar : see "brown-eyed mullet" 

Bonzer : great, ripper 

Boogie board : a hybrid, half-sized surf board 

Boomer : a large male kangaroo 

Booze bus : police vehicle used for catching drunk drivers 

Boozer : a pub 

Bored shitless : very bored 

Bottle shop : liquor shop 

Bottle-o : liquor shop (originally a man with hessian bags going around picking up beer bottles in the 50's and 60's)

Bottler : something excellent 

Bottling, his blood's worth : he's an excellent, helpful bloke. 

Bounce : a bully 

Bourke Street, he doesn't know Christmas from : he's a bit slow in the head. (Bourke Street is a brightly lit Melbourne street) 

Bowl of rice, not my : not my cup of tea; I don't like it

Brass razoo, he hasn't got a : he's very poor 

Brekkie : breakfast 

Brick  house, built like a : big strong bloke 

Brickie : bricklayer 

Brisvegas : Brisbane, state capital of Queensland 

Brizzie : Brisbane, state capital of Queensland 

Brown-eyed mullet : a turd in the sea (where you're swimming!) 

Brumby : a wild horse 

Buck's night : stag party, male gathering the night before the wedding 

Buckley's, Buckley's chance : no chance ("New Zealand stands Buckley's of beating Australia at football") 

Budgie smugglers : men's bathing costume

Bull bar : stout bar fixed to the front of a vehicle to protect it against hitting kangaroos (also roo bar) 

Bundy : short for Bundaberg, Queensland, and the brand of rum that's made there 

Bunyip : mythical outback creature 

Bush : the hinterland, the Outback, anywhere that isn't in town 

Bush bash : long competitive running or motorcar race through the bush

Bush oyster : nasal mucus

Bush telly : campfire 

Bushie : someone who lives in the Bush 

Bushman's hanky : Emitting nasal mucus by placing one index finger on the outside of the nose (thus blocking one nostril) and blowing.

Bushranger : highwayman, outlaw 

Butcher : small glass of beer in South Australia - From the theory that a butcher could take a quick break from his job, have a drink and be back at work

BYO : unlicensed restaurant where you have to Bring Your Own grog, also similar party or barbecue

C

Cab Sav : Cabernet Sauvignon (a variety of wine grape)

Cactus : dead, not functioning ("this bloody washing machine is cactus") 

Cane toad : a person from Queensland

Captain Cook : look (noun) ("let's have a Captain Cook") 

Cark it : to die, cease functioning 

Cat burying , as busy as a : busy 

Cat's piss, as mean as : mean, stingy, uncharitable 

Chewie : chewing gum 

Chokkie : chocolate 

Chook : a chicken 

Chrissie : Christmas 

Christmas : see Bourke Street 

Chuck a sickie : take the day off sick from work when you're perfectly healthy 

Chunder : vomit 

Clacker : anus (from Latin cloaca = sewer). Also the single orifice of monotremes (platypus and echidna) used both for reproduction and for the elimination of body wastes.

Clayton's : fake, substitute 

Cleanskin : Bottle of wine without a label. Usually bought in bulk by companies who then add their own personalised label and use the wine as e.g. gifts to clients

Cleanskin : cattle that have not been branded, earmarked or castrated.

Click : kilometre - "it's 10 clicks away" 

Clucky : feeling broody or maternal 

Coathanger : Sydney Harbour bridge

Cobber : friend 

Cockie : farmer (Farmers were called cockies in the early days of European settlement because, like the birds of the same name, they made their homes on the edges of permanent waterholes)

Cockie : cockatoo

Cockie : cockroach

Cockroach : a person from New South Wales 

Coldie : a beer 

Come a gutser : make a bad mistake, have an accident 

Compo : Workers' Compensation pay 

Conch (adj. conchy) : a conscientious person. Somebody who would rather work or study than go out and enjoy him/herself.

Cooee, not within : figuratively a long way away, far off - England weren't within cooee of beating Australia at cricket 

Cooee, within : nearby - I was within cooee of landing a big fish when the line broke. He lives within cooee of Sydney.

Cook (noun) : One's wife 

Corker : something excellent. A good stroke in cricket might be described as a 'corker of a shot'

Corroboree : an aboriginal dance festival 

Counter lunch/Countery : pub lunch 

Cozzie : swimming costume 

Crack a fat : get an erection 

Crack onto (someone) : to hit on someone, pursue someone romantically

Cranky : in a bad mood, angry 

Cream (verb) : defeat by a large margin 

Crook : sick, or badly made 

Crow eater : a person from South Australia 

Cubby house : Small, usually timber, house in the garden used as a children's plaything.

Cut lunch : sandwiches 

Cut lunch commando : army reservist

Cut snake, mad as a : very angry 

D

Dag : a funny person, nerd, goof 

Daks : trousers 

Damper : bread made from flour and water 

Date : arse[hole] ("get off your fat date") 

Dead dingo's donger, as dry as a : dry 

Dead horse : Tomato sauce

Deadset : true, the truth 

Dero : tramp, hobo, homeless person (from "derelict") 

Dickhead : see "whacker"

Digger : a soldier 

Dill : an idiot 

Dingo's breakfast : a yawn, a leak and a good look round (i.e. no breakfast) 

Dinkum, fair dinkum : true, real, genuine ("I'm a dinkum Aussie"; "is he fair dinkum?") 

Dinky-di : the real thing, genuine 

Dipstick : a loser, idiot 

Divvy van : Police vehicle used for transporting criminals. Named after the protective 'division' between the driver and the villains.

Dob (somebody) in : inform on somebody. Hence dobber, a tell-tale 

Docket : a bill, receipt 

Doco : documentary 

Dog : unattractive woman 

Dog's balls, stands out like : obvious 

Dog's eye : meat pie

Dole bludger : somebody on social assistance when unjustified 

Donger : penis 

Doodle : penis 

Down Under : Australia and New Zealand 

Drink with the flies : to drink alone 

Drongo : a dope, stupid person 

Dropkick : see 'dipstick'

Drum : information, tip-off ("I'll give you the drum") 

Duchess : sideboard 

Duffer, cattle : rustler 

Dummy, spit the : get very upset at something 

Dunny : outside lavatory 

Dunny budgie : blowfly 

Dunny rat, cunning as a : very cunning 

Durry : tobacco, cigarette

Dux : top of the class (n.); to be top of the class (v.) - "She duxed four of her subjects".

E

Earbashing : nagging, non-stop chatter 

Ekka : the Brisbane Exhibition, an annual show

Esky : large insulated food/drink container for picnics, barbecues etc. 

Exy : expensive 

F

Face, off one's : drunk ("He was off his face by 9pm") 

Fair dinkum : true, genuine 

Fair go : a chance ("give a bloke a fair go") 

Fair suck of the sav! : exclamation of wonder, awe, disbelief (see also "sav") 

Fairy floss : candy floss, cotton candy 

Feral : V8 ute (q.v.) sporting large heavy bullbar, numerous aerials, large truck mudflaps and stickers almost all over the rear window and tailgate. Sometimes seen with a Mack emblem on the bonnet and always with large (multiple) driving lights

Feral (n.) : a hippie

Figjam : "F*ck I'm good; just ask me". Nickname for people who have a high opinion of themselves.

Fisho : fishmonger 

Flake : shark's flesh (sold in fish & chips shops) 

Flat out like a lizard drinking : flat out, busy

Flick : to give something or somebody the flick is to get rid of it or him/her 

Flick it on : to sell something, usually for a quick profit, soon after buying it. 

Fly wire : gauze flyscreen covering a window or doorway. 

Footy : Australian Rules football 

Fossick : search, rummage ("fossicking through the kitchen drawers") 

Fossick : to prospect, e.g. for gold

Fossicker : prospector, e.g. for gold

Franger : condom 

Freckle : anus 

Fremantle Doctor : the cooling afternoon breeze that arrives in Perth from the direction of Freeo

Freo : Fremantle in Western Australia

Frog in a sock, as cross as a : sounding angry - a person or your hard drive! 

Fruit loop : fool 

Full : drunk 

Furphy : false or unreliable rumour

G

G'Day : hello! 

Gabba : Wooloongabba - the Brisbane cricket ground

GAFA (pron. gaffa) : the big nothingness of the Australian Outback. Great Australian F**k All.

Galah : fool, silly person. Named after the bird of the same name because of its antics and the noise it makes. 

Garbo, garbologist : municipal garbage collector 

Give it a burl : try it, have a go 

Gobful, give a : to abuse, usually justifiably ("The neighbours were having a noisy party so I went and gave them a gobful") 

Gobsmacked : surprised, astounded

Going off : used of a night spot or party that is a lot of fun - "the place was really going off" 

Good oil : useful information, a good idea, the truth 

Good onya : good for you, well done 

Goog, as full as a : drunk. "Goog" is a variation of the northern English slangword "goggie" meaning an egg. 

Greenie : environmentalist 

Grinning like a shot fox : very happy, smugly satisfied 

Grog : liquor, beer ("bring your own grog, you bludger") 

Grouse (adj.) : great, terrific, very good 

Grundies : undies, underwear (from Reg Grundy, a television person) 

Gutful of piss : drunk, "he's got a gutful of piss" 

Gyno : gynaecologist 

H

Handle : beer glass with a handle 

Harold Holt, to do the : To bolt. (Also "to do the Harold")

Heaps : a lot, e.g. "thanks heaps", "(s)he earned heaps of money" etc. 

Holy dooley! : an exclamation of surprise = "Good heavens!", "My goodness!" "Good grief!" or similar

Hoon : hooligan 

Hooroo : goodbye 

Hotel : often just a pub 

Hottie : hot water bottle 

I

Icy pole, ice block : popsicle, lollypop 

J

Jackaroo : a male trainee station manager or station hand (a station is a big farm/grazing property) 

Jillaroo : a female trainee station manager or station hand 

Joey : baby kangaroo 

Journo : journalist 

Jug : electric kettle

Jumbuck : sheep 

K

Kangaroos loose in the top paddock : Intellectually inadequate ("he's got kangaroos loose in the top paddock") 

Kelpie : Australian sheepdog originally bred from Scottish collie 

Kero : kerosene 

Kindie : kindergarten 

Knock : to criticise 

Knock back : refusal (noun), refuse (transitive verb) 

Knocker : somebody who criticises 

L

Lair : a flashily dressed young man of brash and vulgar behaviour, to dress up in flashy clothes, to renovate or dress up something in bad taste 

Lair it up : to behave in a brash and vulgar manner 

Larrikin : a bloke who is always enjoying himself, harmless prankster 

Lend of, to have a : to take advantage of somebody's gullibility, to have someone on ("he's having a lend of you") 

Lippy : lipstick 

Liquid laugh : vomit 

Lizard drinking, flat out like a : flat out, busy 

Lob, lob in : drop in to see someone ("the rellies have lobbed") 

Lollies : sweets, candy 

London to a brick : absolute certainty ("it's London to a brick that taxes won't go down") 

Long paddock : the side of the road where livestock is grazed during droughts

Longneck : 750ml bottle of beer in South Australia

Lucky Country, The : Australia, where else? 

Lunch, who opened their? : OK, who farted? 

Lurk : illegal or underhanded racket 

M

Maccas (pron. "mackers") : McDonald's (the hamburger place) 

Mallee bull, as fit as a : very fit and strong. The Mallee is very arid beef country in Victoria/South Australia. 

Manchester : Household linen, eg sheets etc.

Mappa Tassie : map of Tasmania - a woman's pubic area 

Mate : buddy, friend 

Mate's rate, mate's discount : cheaper than usual for a "friend" 

Matilda : swagman's bedding, sleeping roll

Metho : methylated spirits 

Mexican : a person from south of the Queensland or New South Wales border 

Mickey Mouse : excellent, very good. Beware though - in some parts of Australia it means inconsequential, frivolous or not very good! 

Middy : 285 ml beer glass in New South Wales 

Milk bar : corner shop that sells takeaway food 

Milko : milkman 

Mob : group of people, not necessarily troublesome 

Mob : family or herd (?) of kangaroos 

Mongrel : despicable person 

Moolah : money

Mozzie : mosquito 

Muddy : mud crab (a great delicacy) 

Mug : friendly insult ("have a go, yer mug"), gullible person 

Mull : grass (the kind you smoke) 

Muster : round up sheep or cattle 

Mystery bag : a sausage

N

Nasho : National Service (compulsory military service) 

Naughty, have a : have sex 

Never Never : the Outback, centre of Australia 

Nipper : young surf lifesaver 

No drama : same as 'no worries'

No worries! : Expression of forgiveness or reassurance (No problem; forget about it; I can do it; Yes, I'll do it) 

No-hoper : somebody who'll never do well 

Not the full quid : not bright intellectually 

Nuddy, in the : naked 

Nun's nasty, as dry as a : dry 

Nut out : hammer out or work out (an agreement, say)

O

O.S. : overseas ("he's gone O.S.") 

Ocker : an unsophisticated person 

Offsider : an assistant, helper 

Old fella : penis

Oldies : parents - "I'll have to ask my oldies" 

Op shop : opportunity shop, thrift store, place where second hand goods are sold.

Outback : interior of Australia 

Oz : Australia! 

P

Paddock : see 'long paddock'

Pash : a long passionate kiss; hence "pashing on" 

Pav : Pavlova - a rich, creamy Australian dessert 

Perve (noun & verb) : looking lustfully at the opposite sex 

Piece of piss : easy task 

Pig's arse! : I don't agree with you 

Piker : Someone who doesn't want to fit in with others socially, leaves parties early 

Pink slip, get the : get the sack (from the colour of the termination form)

Pint : large glass of beer (esp. in South Australia)

Piss : beer. Hence "hit the piss", "sink some piss" 

Plate, bring a : Instruction on party or BBQ invitation to bring your own food. It doesn't mean they're short of crockery! 

Plonk : cheap wine 

Pokies : poker machines, fruit machines, gambling slot machines 

Polly : politician 

Pom, pommy, pommie : an Englishman • See the complaint about "Pom" etc. 

Pommy bastard : an Englishman (see also 'bastard') 

Pommy shower : using deodorant instead of taking a shower 

Pommy's towel, as dry as a : very dry - based on the canard that Poms bathe about once a month 

Porky : Lie, untruth (pork pie = lie)

Port : suitcase (portmanteau) 

Postie : postman, mailman 

Pot : 285 ml beer glass in Queensland and Victoria 

Pozzy : position - get a good pozzy at the football stadium 

Prezzy : present, gift 

Q

Quid, make a : earn a living - "are you making a quid?" 

Quid, not the full : of low IQ. [Historical note: 'quid' is slang for a pound. £1 became $2 when Australia converted to decimal currency] 

R

Rack off : push off! get lost! get out of here! also "rack off hairy legs!". 

Rage : party 

Rage on : to continue partying - "we raged on until 3am" 

Rapt : pleased, delighted 

Ratbag : mild insult 

Raw prawn, to come the : to bullshit, to be generally disagreeable 

Reckon! : you bet! Absolutely! 

Reffo : refugee 

Rego : vehicle registration 

Rellie or relo : family relative 

Ridgy-didge : original, genuine 

Right, she : it'll be all right

Right, that'd be : Accepting bad news as inevitable. ("I went fishing but caught nothing." "Yeah, that'd be right.")

Rip snorter : great, fantastic - "it was a rip snorter of a party" 

Ripper : great, fantastic - "it was a ripper party" 

Ripper, you little! : Exclamation of delight or as a reaction to good news

Road train : big truck with many trailers 

Roadie : a beer you buy to take away with you

Rock up : to turn up, to arrive - "we rocked up at their house at 8pm" 

Rollie : a cigarette that you roll yourself 

Roo : kangaroo 

Roo bar : stout bar fixed to the front of a vehicle to protect it against hitting kangaroos (also bull bar)

Root (verb and noun) : synonym for f*ck in nearly all its senses: "I feel rooted"; "this washing machine is rooted"; "(s)he's a good root". A very useful word in fairly polite company. 

Root rat : somebody who is constantly looking for sex.

Ropeable : very angry 

Rort (verb or noun) : Cheating, fiddling, defrauding (expenses, the system etc.). Usually used of politicians 

Rotten : drunk - "I went out last night and got rotten" 

Rubbish (verb) : to criticize 

S

Salute, Aussie : brushing flies away 

Salvos, the : Salvation Army, bless them 

Sandgroper : a person from Western Australia 

Sanger : a sandwich 

Sav : saveloy (see also "fair suck of the sav!") 

Schooner : large beer glass in Queensland; medium beer glass in South Australia 

Scratchy : instant lottery ticket 

Screamer : party lover; "two pot screamer" - somebody who gets drunk on very little alcohol 

Seppo : an American 

Servo : petrol station 

Shag on a rock, stands out like a : very obvious

Shark biscuit : somebody new to surfing 

She'll be right : it'll turn out okay 

Sheepshagger : A New Zealander

Sheila : a woman 

 house (adj.) : of poor quality, unenjoyable ("this car is house", "the movie was  house")

 house (noun) : toilet, lavatory

Shonky : dubious, underhanded. E.g. a shonky practice, shonky business etc. 

Shoot through : to leave 

Shout : turn to buy - a round of drinks usually ("it's your shout") 

Show pony : someone who tries hard, by his dress or behaviour, to impress those around him.

Sickie : day off sick from work (chuck a sickie = take the day off sick from work when you're perfectly healthy!) 

Skite : boast, brag 

Skull/Skol (a beer) : to drink a beer in a single draught without taking a breath

Slab : a carton of 24 bottles or cans of beer 

Sleepout : house verandah converted to a bedroom 

Smoko : smoke or coffee break 

Snag : a sausage 

Sook : person or animal who is soft, tame, inoffensive. Hence sooky (adj.) 

Spag bol : spaghetti bolognese 

Spewin' : very angry 

Spiffy, pretty spiffy : great, excellent

Spit the dummy : get very upset at something 

Spruiker : man who stands outside a nightclub or restaurant trying to persuade people to enter

Sprung : caught doing something wrong 

Spunk : a good looking person (of either sex) 

Squizz (noun) : look - "take a squizz at this" 

Standover man : a large man, usually gang-related, who threatens people with physical violence in order to have his wishes carried out.

Station : a big farm/grazing property 

Stickybeak : nosy person 

Stoked : very pleased

Stonkered : beaten, defeated, cornered, perplexed

Strewth : exclamation, mild oath ("Strewth, that Chris is a bonzer bloke") 

Strides : trousers 

Strine : Australian slang and pronunciation 

Stubby : a 375ml. beer bottle 

Stubby holder : polystyrene insulated holder for a stubby 

Stuffed, I feel : I'm tired 

Stuffed, I'll be : expression of surprise 

Sunbake : sunbathe 

Sunnies : sunglasses 

Surfies : people who go surfing - usually more often than they go to work! 

Swag : rolled up bedding etc. carried by a swagman 

Swaggie : swagman 

Swagman : tramp, hobo 

T

Tall poppies : successful people 

Tall poppy syndrome : the tendency to criticize successful people 

Tallie : 750ml bottle of beer

Taswegian : derogatory term for a person from Tasmania 

Tea : supper

Technicolor yawn : vomit 

Tee-up : to set up (an appointment) 

Thingo : Wadjamacallit, thingummy, whatsit 

Thongs : cheap rubber backless sandals 

Throw-down : small bottle of beer which you can throw down quickly.

Tickets, to have on oneself : to have a high opinion of oneself 

Tinny : can of beer 

Tinny : small aluminium boat

Tinny, tin-arsed : lucky

Togs : swim suit 

Too right! : definitely! 

Top End : far north of Australia 

Trackie daks/dacks : tracksuit pants

Trackies : track suit 

Troppo, gone : to have escaped to a state of tropical madness; to have lost the veneer of civilisation after spending too long in the tropics.

Trough lolly : the solid piece of perfumed disinfectant in a men's urinal 

Truckie : truck driver 

True blue : patriotic 

Tucker : food 

Tucker-bag : food bag 

Turps : turpentine, alcoholic drink 

Turps, hit the : go on a drinking binge 

Two up : gambling game played by spinning two coins simultaneously 

U

Ugg boots : Australian sheepskin boots worn by surfers since at least the 1960s to keep warm while out of the water. Also worn by airmen during WW1 and WW2 because of the need to maintain warmth in non-pressurized planes at high altitudes.

Ugh : ugly. hence Ugg boots

Uni : university 

Unit : flat, apartment 

Up oneself : have a high opinion of oneself - "he's really up himself" 

Up somebody, get : to rebuke somebody - "the boss got up me for being late" 

Useful as an ashtray on a motorbike / tits on a bull : unhelpful or incompetent person or thing - "he, she or it is about as useful as tits on a bull" etc. etc. 

Ute : utility vehicle, pickup truck 

V

Vedgies : vegetables 

Vee dub : Volkswagen 

Veg out : relax in front of the TV (like a vegetable) 

Vejjo : vegetarian 

Vinnie's : St. Vincent De Paul's (charity thrift stores and hostels)

W

WACA (pron. whacker) : Western Australian Cricket Association and the Perth cricket ground

Waggin' school : playing truant 

Walkabout : a walk in the Outback by Aborigines that lasts for an indefinite amount of time 

Walkabout, it's gone : it's lost, can't be found 

Weekend warrior : army reservist

Whacker, whacka : Idiot; somebody who talks drivel; somebody with whom you have little patience; a dickhead

Whinge : complain 

White pointers : topless (female) sunbathers 

Whiteant (verb) : to criticise something to deter somebody from buying it. A car dealer might whiteant another dealer's cars or a real estate salesman might whiteant another agent's property 

Wobbly : excitable behaviour ("I complained about the food and the waiter threw a wobbly") 

Wobbly boot on, he's got the : drunk

Wog : flu or trivial illness 

Wog : person of Mediterranean origin. A milder insult than the same word in the UK and perhaps elsewhere. 

Wombat : somebody who eats, roots and leaves (see also root) 

Woop Woop : invented name for any small unimportant town - "he lives in Woop Woop" 

Wowser : straight-laced person, prude, puritan, spoilsport 

Wuss : coward; nervous person or animal 

X

XXXX : pronounced Four X, brand of beer made in Queensland 

Y

Yabber : talk (a lot) 

Yabby : inland freshwater crayfish found in Australia (Cherax destructor)

Yakka : work (noun) 

Yewy : u-turn in traffic ("chuck a yewy at the next traffic lights") 

Yobbo : an uncouth person 

Z

Zack : sixpence (5 cents) - "it isn't worth a zack", "he hasn't got a zack