Role of a Jewish Husband

“You’ve been offered the role of a Jewish husband whose been married for 30 years”

“Oh dear…. I was hoping for a speaking part”

No Sex since 1955

A crusty old Israeli Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local art college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am.  Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are.  No wonder you're so serious.  You really need to chill out and relax!  I mean, no sex since 1955!

Come with me."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

Nussbaum and Son

Abe Nussbaum had built up a flourishing textile company. When his son Phil graduated from business college he joined his father’s company as an advisor and, naturally enough, the firm’s name changed to Nussbaum and Son. His first few suggestions were gratefully appreciated and acted on by his dad. Then one day, after a couple of months, he came into Abe’s office. “Dad. We need to modernise and make our image slicker. For starters I think we should shorten our name and get rid of the ‘’baum”. Fine by me, son” said Abe and so the change was actioned. 

All seemed well initially but after only two days Leah, the long serving receptionist, burst into Abe’s office “Boss- I’ve had enough- I’m quitting!” “What do you mean” replied Abe- obviously rather taken aback. “You’ve been an great asset to the business since we started up twenty years ago” 

“All very well for you to say that” said Leah “but whenever someone calls or comes in and asks for Mr Nuss you don’t have to ask if they want Mr A. Nuss or Mr P. Nuss!”

Golf or Sex

The golfers' conundrum . . . 

Four married Jewish men go golfing... During the 4th hole the following conversation took place: 

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will have the interior of the house completely painted by next weekend." 

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would get a contractor to build a new deck for the pool next week." 

Third Guy: "Man, you both got off cheap! I had to promise my wife that I would have the kitchen remodeled for her."  

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him: "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" 

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. . . When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf Course-or sex? and she says, "Wear your sweater".

Goldberg’s Airconditioning and Ford

Thanks Nathan Chanesman

Ivan, this is the Goldberg joke. 

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 40C degrees. 

The brothers walked into Henry Ford's office telling they had the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. 

Henry was curious so they asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car where the inside temp was over 70C degrees, they turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car down almost immediately. 

Henry got very excited and offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. 

No way was Ford going to put the Goldberg's name on millions of his cars. After much haggling they finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. 

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

The best way to fall asleep

Best way to fall asleep 

Goldberg the most connected guy in town

Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "OK, Goldberg, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Goldberg and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Goldberg! Great to see you! You and your friend... come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Goldberg's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Goldberg that he thinks Goldberg's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Goldberg says. "President Biden" his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Goldberg says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Biden spots Goldberg on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Goldberg, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Goldberg, who again implores him to name anyone else.

The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Goldberg. "I've known the Pope a long time."

So they fly to Rome. 

Goldberg and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Goldberg says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."  And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Goldberg emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Goldberg returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Goldberg asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Goldberg?"

A Yiddishe Granny

The community, children and grandchildren of Naomi Kaye share a few snippets of their memories of an amazing Granny 

May your memory always be a blessing Nomes !!

A child’s tribute to his mum 

A Rabbi’s tribute to an amazing lady 

My brother Ryan Klibansky and I were lucky to say a few a words and my granny’s funeral today. Here is what we said to honour her:

We're here today to remember a woman whose voice was so distinct, it could have been a bird-call in the South African wilderness. Seriously, if we ever got lost in a shopping centre as children, we’d just have to listen for that high-pitched South African accent, and you'd find your way back to her.

 

Granny was the embodiment of love, with those kind, warm blue eyes that could melt the heart of even the most hardened cynic. Her loving kindness and generosity were legendary. She always had a bowl of chocolates and lollies on hand for visitors, making everyone feel welcome and cherished. Granny had a gift for making everyone feel special. Her home was always open, her table always set, and her arms always ready for a hug. She was the glue that held our family together, the thread that wove us all into the beautiful tapestry of love, laughter, and shared memories.

 

Her strong Jewish values and identity were the cornerstone of our family. She showed us the importance of tradition and faith, and she instilled in us a sense of pride in our heritage. She was the matriarch of our family, always at the center of Shabbat dinners, lighting up the room with her energy and positivity. Her family-centric approach made us feel safe and loved, like the times we'd sleep in her bed with Grampy, knowing we were in the most secure and warm embrace.

 

She was a force of nature when I fell ill. My parents were away, and she swooped in like a superhero nurse from a comic book - she practically had a cape. You know, I couldn't leave the house until I was better, which at the time felt like house arrest with chicken soup, but looking back, it was one of the warmest memories I have.

 

Our dear Granny was the epitome of resilience and adaptability. Who could forget when she, at the ripe young age of 80, decided to conquer Facebook? Not only did she master it, but she became the reigning Facebook queen. Her love of socialising and connecting with people knew no bounds. She had a busier social life than all of us combined.

 

There is a Jewish saying, "A mother understands what a child does not say." Granny had that same gift. She could see right through our brave faces, straight into our souls, and offer the comfort we didn't even know we needed. It's in those moments of vulnerability that we truly experienced the depth of her love.

 

Granny was a tireless champion of our dreams and aspirations. Her belief in us was the wind beneath our wings, propelling us to reach greater heights. She was our greatest cheerleader, always ready with a word of encouragement or a loving arm or back tickle to soothe our anxieties.

 

We will miss her, yes, but let's also remember the lessons she taught us. To love unconditionally, to give generously, to cherish our family, and to live life to the fullest. She taught us that life is not just to be lived, but to be celebrated, to be savoured, just like her famous cheesecake and lemon and herb chicken.

Granny's greatest joy was found in her family, and she wore that joy like a badge of honour. Her children, grandchildren, and her six great-grandchildren – Nate, Corey, Allira, Maya, Sienna, and Freya – were the brightest stars in her sky. They would seek her out, drawn to her warm presence, just to sit with and be with her. Their love for her was a testament to the love she gave so freely. Granny's memory lives on in each of them, and in us, as we cherish the countless precious moments we shared.

 

So, here's to Granny, a woman of great strength, warmth, and immense love. A woman who was a beacon of light in all our lives. We love you, we miss you, and we celebrate you today, tomorrow, and always.

 

May your memory be a blessing, your spirit a guide, and your love a comfort as we navigate life without you physically, but with you forever in our hearts.

The 2 pots

TWO POTS (Must Read Moral Story)

An elderly woman had two large pots, each hung onthe ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For full two years, this went on daily, with the

woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its

accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was

ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter

failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'

The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?' 'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.

' For two years I have been able to

pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'

Moral of the Story:

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the

cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them..

The Perfect man - Frank Feldman

An Andrew Cohen special!!

Marvin walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.  You’re just like Frank".

Passenger: “Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman".  He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."  

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." 

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.  He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis  He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.  He was an amazing guy." 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

 

Cabbie: "There’s more.  He had a memory like a computer.  He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.  He could fix anything. Not like me.  I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.  But Frank Feldman could do everything right." 

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" 

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.  Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.  But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.  He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." 

Passenger: "How did you meet him?" 

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank.  He died and I married his wife"

The Jew, Arab, Pastries and a magic trick

Thanks Andrew Cohen :) 

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket. 

He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything!"

The Jew says to the Arab, "I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew." 

He goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.''

Intrigued, the owner accepts and give him a pastry. 

The Jew swallows it and ask for another one. The owner gives him another one. 

Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it just the same.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and says, "What did you do with the pastry? Are you trying to fool me ?

The Jew answers, "Look in the Arab's pocket..."