After I graduated from high school in Skokie, every day, I would ride my bike to the beach in Evanston. There, there were many gorgeous co-eds from Northwestern University. I'd try to pick them up, but none of them were interested in me.
During that summer, I made friends with the lifeguard who seemed to be very popular with the young ladies. One day I complained to him. "None of the girls like me," I moaned.
He squinted at me, "You know what your problem is?"
"What?" I asked.
"You have a big saggy swimsuit that you got pulled up all the way to your underarms. If you want the girls to like you, get a tight Speedo swimsuit, and if you really want the girls to be crazy for you..."
"Yeah?," I replied
"...get yourself a potato. Slip the potato into your swimsuit, and you'll find that the girls will find you irresistible." The lifeguard smiled and winked at me when he said this.
So the next day, I got myself a tight Speedo swimsuit and a potato. I rode my bike to the beach, and when I got there, I slipped the potato into my swimsuit and started walking up and down the beach flexing my muscles. But instead of flirting with me, the girls on the beach were giving me looks of abject disgust and disapproval.
I went to my friend the lifeguard and whined, "This isn't working! What am I doing wrong?"
He yelled at me, "You idiot! The potato's supposed to go in the front!"
Thanks Andrew Cohen for the narrative
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