You don’t look Jewish

A YIDDISH POEM by Gene Wilder

A Yiddish Poem - by Gene Wilder

If you can understand this, you:

(a) Are probably as old as I am

(b) Have a good worldly education

(c) Are Jewish

(d) Grew up with a Bubbe living with you, or close by...

(e) All of the above

Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist,

A bisseleh maybe here and there, the rest has gone to waste.

Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,

My Bubbe spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.

So OI vei as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,

Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's familiar to my ear.

And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I was shtick naches,

But, when it comes to Yiddish though, I'm talking out my tuchas.

Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better

(Though it's really nishtgefelecht when one needs to write a letter).

But, when it comes to characters, there's really no contention,

No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen:

They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,

Then, too , schmendriks and schlemiels, and let's not forget schlemazel.

These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener,

So much better than "a pill" is to call someone 'farbissener'.

Or - that a brazen woman would be better called Choleria,

And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.

I'm not haken dir a tshainik and I hope I'm not a kvetch,

But isn't mieskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch?

Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbe say, "It's nechtiker tog, don't fear,

To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill my ear.

A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to interrupt,

But you are speaking narishkeit.....

And ...A gezunt auf dein kop!"

Great music for Africa

Kippas for Africa

Jewish Genie

A little old Jewish man is walking on the beach near old Jaffa when he trips on something.  He looks down, and there is an ancient oil lamp.  Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie appears.   

"Oh, Master, I have been in that lamp so long that I am afraid I can only grant you one wish."

For the purpose of our story, the man just happens to have a geological survey map in his pocket.  Showing the genie the map, he says, "You see the oil under all of these Arab states?  I'd like you should move it under the State of Israel."

"Oh, Master.   I told you that I am weak and have been in the lamp so very long.   That is a very hard task you ask of me.   Is there anything else that I might do for you?"

"Well, genie, my wife and I have been married for many, many years, but she has never even touched my privates.  I would like you to have her perform oral sex on me, and like it so much she wants to do so regularly."

"May I please have another look at that map?"  the genie replied.

An Imam, Priest , Rabbi and a Bear

An Imam , a Priest, and a Rabbi go camping. While they're setting up their tents, they see a grizzly bear prowling in the distance.

The Imam says, "I'm going to convert him to Islam." and walks off towards the bear. After 15 minutes, he comes back and says "I read to him from the Koran. Nothing."

So the Priest walks off saying "I'm going to convert him to Christianity." He comes back 15 minutes later and says "I sprinkled water on him to baptize him. No reaction."

So the Rabbi says "I'm going to convert him to Judaism" and walks off toward the bear. 4 hours later, he comes crawling back, bloody, torn, and beaten. The Priest and Imam  ask "What happened?!"

The Rabbi replied "Looking back, , maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.

Hooters through the ages

The Curve of Life...  

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf.

 

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

 

At age 42, they meet and play golf again. 

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again?  Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" 

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again. 

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again. 

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?" 

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"Okay, let’s give it a try."