A little Hebrew and Greek

I know a little Hebrew and a little Greek

They own a deli not far from here

Young single girl gets pregnant and mummela speaks to man who did this

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits uneasily in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."

Jewish Infidelity

Great post From Adam Kegel 

An  elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the  table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Esther, soon we will be married 50  years, and there's something I have to  know. 

In all of these 50 years, have you  ever been unfaithful to me?"

Esther replied, "Well, Herman, I have to be  honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50  years, but always for a good reason."

Herman was obviously hurt by his  wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean  by 'good reasons?'"

Esther said, "The first time was shortly after we  were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay  the mortgage.  Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the  next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Herman  recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. 

You  saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Esther asked, "And do  you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the  heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you  recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Herman.  "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that.

 Now  tell me about the third time."

"All right," she said. "So do you remember  when you ran for president of the synagogue, and you needed 73 more  votes?"

Oy Vey!!!

3 Mummas boasting about their sons

Three middle aged women in a sauna having a pleasant conversation about their children.

One lady says, my son is a doctor, his office is on Fifth Avenue...

Not to be outdone, second lady chimes in, my son is an architect and his office is on Park Avenue!

Third lady sighs and says Oy vey, meine son is a homosexual...  And the other two chime in, so where is his office?

What’s on a man’s mind

Converting a bear

A rabbi, a priest and a Baptist minister are talking about who is the best at what they do. Is it the priest, the minister or the rabbi? So, they decide to separately go into the woods and convert a bear. Whoever is the best at converting a bear is the best at what they do. So, a week later they meet and they ask the priest: “How did it go?” and he says: “It was fantastic! I read to him from the Bible, and Sunday morning he was in the front row of the church.” Then they say to the minister: “How did it go for you?” The minister says, “Fantastic! I found the bear in the woods, I gave him one of my sermons, I took him down to the lake and baptized him and Sunday morning he was in the front row of my church!” Then they look at the rabbi and he’s in a body cast from head to toe. So they say, “What happened to you?” He goes, “Well, I shouldn’t have started with circumcision.”

Picture this person in a full body cast.That’s funny in itself. He’s a poor schlep. And then you find out why. A joke is not a joke without a surprise ending.

I see this joke as saying Jews are willing to keep Judaism alive at all costs. For Jews, it’s not just about the words, it’s not just about speaking, it’s about physical action too. Our mitzvahs, for instance. You have to do things: help people, cook for a sick person and don’t forget circumcision! 

This is not only a joke, it’s really a short story. Jews don’t just tell jokes. Like Sholem Aleichem or Isaac Bashevis Singer, we are storytellers. As we do with our history and the Oral Law, we pass our stories down through the generations. 

Mark Schiff, a stand-up comedian, actor and writer, has had HBO and Showtime specials, appeared onMad About You and written for Roseanne. 

https://momentmag.com/jokes/

Proud of her baby

What did the Jewish mother say to her porn actress daughter after a gang bang? “You were the best one.”

This is an original written by [the late songwriter] Adam Schlesinger. (He said I could have it, even!) 

Jewish mothers are so freaking proud of their children, no matter what.

Sarah Silverman 

Shadchan selling the bride

A prospective bridegroom is taken by the shadchan to the home of a potential bride. The bridegroom takes one look at her and whispers to the shadchan, “Why did you bring me here? She’s old, she’s ugly, she has bad teeth, she squints and she seems to have a limp.” And the shadchan replies, “You don’t need to lower your voice, she’s also deaf.”

Another one 

—“She has a hump? Well, you know she won’t be unfaithful!”

The kvetcher

A man gets on a train. He’s going from Grand Central Station in New York City to Chicago. It’s a fairly lengthy train trip, which is a good thing, because he’s going there to deliver a lecture on Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit,a book he hasn’t actually opened in the last 15 years. So he gets onto the train, sits down, takes out his copy of The Phenomenology of Spirit, which he’s planning to review on this lengthy train ride, and as he’s doing this an older Jewish man comes in, excuses himself and sits down opposite. For a while everything is fine. The man reads his book. Then, about half an hour outside New York, the old man leans back in his seat and looks up at the ceiling and says “Oy, am I thoisty!” Fifteen seconds later, he does the same thing. And then 15 seconds after that he does it again. The guy with the Hegel book realizes this will go on as long as the other man is thirsty, so he sighs, marks his place in the book, gets up, walks down the corridor all the way to the end of the car where there’s one of those fountain things with Dixie cups, fills one, gets about ten steps back, thinks better of it, turns around, goes back, takes another Dixie cup and fills it too. So he’s walking the aisle of this moving train, very gingerly trying to balance two full cone-shaped paper cups of water without spilling too much onto his suit. He gets back to his seat. The old man hasn’t noticed anything. He’s just sitting there going, “Oy, am I thoisty!” The professor hands the old man the cup. The old man takes the cup, his eyes shining with gratitude, and drains it. Before he can say anything, the professor gives him the other cup, and he drains that too. The professor goes past him to his seat where he’s left his Hegel, picks up the book, opens to the marked page, reads about three words, and the old man goes, “Oy, was I thoisty!”

 I think this joke penetrates to the heart of the Ashkenazi Jewish mindset.

Michael Wex is the author of Born to Kvetch, Rhapsody in Schmaltz and many other books.

https://momentmag.com/jokes/

There’s a fly 🪰 in the raisin bread 🥯

A young Jewish boy, being an obedient son, goes to the bakery to deliver a message from his mother to a very busy and very overworked baker. As the baker is working, the boy yells out, “My momma says there was a fly in the raisin bread.” The baker continues at his task, hardly taking notice. So the boy yells out again, “My momma says there was a fly in the raisin bread.” The baker, wishing to put an end to the nuisance, says, “Fine. So bring me the fly, I’ll give you a raisin.”

Jewish Seichel!!

There is the underlying message of, “The big tragedy of your life inthis moment may not be the biggest tragedy. Worse things can happen.” 

He should be bending over backward to make amends and retain his customer. Instead, from a people with a history that includes slavery, plagues, pogroms, displacement and the Holocaust, comes the simple declaration that says, “There are millions of people that hate us, misunderstand us and want to wipe us out and you’re worried about a fly?” Jewish practicality and realism all mushed together in a short joke. Gorgeous.

Jason Alexander 

https://momentmag.com/jokes/

Is anything ok?

What did the waiter say to the group of Jewish women sitting in a restaurant? “Hello, is anything okay?”

We complain about the food and the drinks, the heat and the cold. It’s cooked too much, it’s not cooked enough. We have to switch seats all the time, there’s too much of a draft. I have this new joke in my act where I say, “I had lunch with my mother the other day, and she looked up at me and said, ‘I didn’t like this chicken salad.’ And I’m like, ‘It didn’t even come yet.’”

Jessica Kirson 

https://momentmag.com/jokes/

A Frenchman , German and Jew - all thirsty

There are three guys—a Frenchman, a German and a Jew—making their way across the desert after their car breaks down. The German says “I’m so thirsty. I must have some beer,” and the Frenchman says, “I’m so thirsty. I must have some white wine,” and the Jew says, “I’m so thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

Converting to Catholicism

…Maish and Benny, who walk by a church whose sign says that anyone who converts will be given $1,000. Maish goes in to check it out. When he returns, Benny says, “Did you get the $1,000?” And Maish says, “Don’t you people ever think of anything but money?”

https://momentmag.com/jokes/

James Korden at the “Kosher Western” Butchery

This is gold 

You Jewish?

I’m not jewish - but all my friends are - so I’m practically Jewish 

One can of Tuna - shemsich - makes me sad - do you live alone?

Ah yayayayay a yayaya