Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Friday, May 30, 2025

Chief Rabbi Goldstein goes biblical on Ramaphosa





This is what Choef Rabbi Holdstein of South Africa says


650,000 people murdered since 2004

Every day 70 people are murdered 

It is not a white genocide nor a black genocide - its a human genocide.


A governments prime responsibility is to ensure that their citizens are safe

safe from murder

safe from poverty

safe from crime


South Africa  needs to have the courage to take responsibility 

identify the problem - and find a solution ro tbis wicked problem


Watching Ramaphosa and the ANC 

squirm in their seats at this Trump spectacle

calling out  this true genocide against the south African People 


Divine retribution - for the sin of accusing Israel  

and the Jewish of a genocide

when they are protecting  its citizens and

 ensure that they are safe!


Our sages call “midah kaneged midah”


Measure for measure - a reckoning! 


Genesis 12-3 those that bless Israel will be blessed

Thise that curse Israel will be cursed


Life is like a mirror!


Thursday, May 29, 2025

Ramaphosa defending the chant “kill the Boer” and “kill the white farmer




You can’t dream up this crap!!
Just when you thought there was some hope with this dude -

Ramaphosa -
Hate speech is not ok - and is not allowed in any way in your constitution . 

Chanting “Kill the Boer” or “Kill the Farmer” is not ok!! . 
(This was not regarded as hate speech in the South African equality court , citing historical and political context.
However, this ruling remains heavily contested and divisive, and is under ongoing legal and public debate.)

No it’s not ok to chant the “K” word and chant hate speech against blacks in South Africa 

Under South African law, particularly the Promotion of Equality and Prevention of Unfair Discrimination Act (PEPUDA), hate speech is prohibited. 

This includes: Any speech that demonstrates a clear intention to be hurtful, incite harm, or promote hatred based on race, ethnicity, or similar grounds.

Hate speech that is provocative, and potentially inciting violence against a race or a people should be illegal ! 

It provokes violence and public outrage leading to death, 
  • It damages social cohesion
  • It is in direct conflict with South Africa’s constitutional values of dignity, equality, and non-racialism
  • It causes citizens to feel unsafe!

Bottom Line:

Using racial slurs or promoting hate speech is illegal, harmful, and completely unacceptable in South Africa — both legally and socially.

And people who invite violence and evoke hate speech should go to Jail - Willy Nilly! 

Wednesday, May 28, 2025

How Government Works




They 
  • BREAK YOUR LEGS
  • SELL YOU A WHEELCHAIR
  • TAXES THE WHEELCHAIR
  • REGULATES WHEELCHAIR USE
  • ASSURES YOU THAT WITHOUT GOVERNMENT, YOU WOULDN'T BE GETTING AROUND SO WELL

Friday, May 23, 2025

Meeting between Trump and Ramaphosa



What your heard:- 

“I am sorry , I don’t have a plane to give you “

What you didn’t hear 

“I’ve kept it all to myself” 

Wednesday, May 21, 2025

Hagba and Tora


I really hurt my arm doing Hagba 

Sound like you Tora ligament 





Saturday, May 17, 2025

The fuss over same sex marriage




And another thing Francis, all this fuss over Same Sex marriage. I just don't see what the big fuss is !


Harvey and I have been having the same sex

for 54 years and to tell you the truth it isn't worth getting all upset over! 

Is it the ball type ?

Is it the ball type of deodorant  you want sir?

Oh no miss - it’s for under my arms ! 




Wednesday, May 14, 2025

Monday, May 12, 2025

How to Shower like a Women and How to Shower like a Man




How To Shower Like a Woman 

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. 

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. 

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. 

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 


How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. 

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. 

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. 

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 

Throw wet towel on bed.


Thursday, May 8, 2025

Why I am a proud Jew, Zionist and supporter of the State of Israel


Einstein nailed it when he gave 3 reasons why he was proud to be Jewish 


  • The Quest of knowledge for its own sake. 
  • A nearly fanatical love of justice. 
  • The pursuit of personal independence

These are the motives of the Jewish tradition that makes me feel that my affiliation with the Jewish people has been a gift from the heavens"


John Adams, the second President of the US wrote, “They are the most glorious nation that ever inhabited this earth. They have influenced the affairs of mankind more than any other nation.”


In 1933, almost half of Berlin’s doctors were Jews. Globally 29% of all Nobel prize winners have been Jews. In Vienna, Freud founded a new way of treating mental disorders and in Switzerland, Einstein reimagined the nature of the universe.


And the success continues - Google, Oracle, and Facebook had Jewish founders. In Hollywood there is Goldwyn, Warner, Fox, and Mayer.


 Globally 29% of all Nobel prize winners have been Jews.


In Australia more than 30% of those named in the top 20 richest on Australia’s Rich List, are Jews! The number of Jews in the professions such as law and medicine are disproportionately high. 


The numbers 

The Global population figures are 5.7 billion people

  • 2.3 billion Christians, 
  • 1.8 billion Muslims, 
  • 1.1 billion Hindus, 
  • 500 million Buddhists, and 
  • 15 million Jews, roughly 0.2% of the global population.


In Australia 

Based upon the 2021 Australian Census, the Jewish population in Australia represented approximately 0.46% -  116,967 Jews out of a total population of 25.4 million. 


Is it  the “success” itself which brings the virus of anti-Semitism? 



Antisemitism and genocide 

The ultimate goal of anti-Semitism is the elimination of the Jews. 


In 1933, Hitler pursued his program to rid the world of the “Jewish pest”, executing his ruthless “final solution” to accomplish the total destruction of the Jewish people. What causes this virus? The “crime” of the Jews was their values and their success.


There has been a global rise in anti-Semitism since 7 October 2023. It is a virus which infects people throughout the world, including in Australia.


According to the 1988 charter of Hamas, Muslims should “Fight Jews and kill them”. 


After October 7, a Hamas leader warned, “We will do this again and again”. 


In 2001, Ayatollah Khamenei stated, “It is the mission of the Islamic Republic of Iran to erase Israel from the map of the region”. 


In 2012, the Iranians chief of staff announced, “The Iranian nation is committed to the full annihilation of Israel” 


and in 2021, Iran’s Brigadier said, “We will not back off from the annihilation of Israel. We want to destroy Zionism in the world”.


On October 7 2023 , Hamas carried out the most violent pogrom since the Holocaust. It was the third deadliest terror attack in modern history, murdering more than 1,200 civilian Jews and taking more than 250 hostages back into Gaza, giving rise to the Israel-Hamas war.


After the attack by Hamas on Israeli civilians who were raped, burned alive, tortured, shot and decapitated, the Sydney Opera House (SOH) was illuminated in the colours of the Israeli flag. 


However, protesters massed at the SOH, flying Palestinian flags and chanting “Gas the Jews” and “F..k the Jews” (bizarrely interpreted after “careful” investigation by Australia’s enforcement agency as “Where’s the Jews”). 


Notably, these protesters were not part of Hamas but were “Innocent Australian Palestinian citizens”!


It was Sydney’s night of shame.


And yet in Israel’s fight against Hamas, there has been no end to accusations of “genocide” by Israel. 


After the firebombing of a childcare centre plus many other anti-Semitic incidents, including arson attacks and the targeting of synagogues, restaurants, private homes and vehicles - the Albanese Government has recognised that this virus needs to be eliminated in Australia and has instituted measures to outlaw and eradicate the virus of Antisemitism! 


The Jews have Survived and Thrived

  • 3,300 years ago, Egypt enslaved the Jews. 
  • 2,500 years ago, Persia declared genocide but the Jewish people survived and rebuilt the Second Temple. 
  • 2,000 years ago, the Roman Empire crushed Jerusalem, destroyed the Second Temple, slaughtered over a million people and exiled the survivors. 
  • For 1,300 years, the European Christian Empire persecuted the Jews through pogroms, forced conversions, inquisitions and ghettos but the Jews adapted and survived. 
  • Despite Hitler’s “final solution”, the 1,000 Year Reich crumbled and
  • the Jews emerged and re-established the State of Israel.

After World War II, much of the Islamic world took on the battle against the Jews, but the Jews have prevailed and built an amazing country and democracy  in the Middle East that is Israel . 


 Jews had lived across the Arab and Muslim world for centuries, not as equals, but as “dhimmis”,second-class citizens. When the State of Israel was born, nearly a million Jews were expelled or forced to flee from Arab lands. Jewish communities that had lasted for millennia vanished almost overnight.


The Jews returned home after 2,000 years in exile, not to conquer someone else’s land but to reclaim their own. 


They are indigenous to the Land of Israel. Their language was born there. Their ancestors prayed there facing Jerusalem. They did not colonise the land. They revived it.


Today Jews live in a post-October 7 world. It is a world where the Jews are done with apologizing and done with seeking approval. Anti-Semitism did not prevent Jewish success. It caused it.


Never Again” is not a slogan. It is a doctrine.


Inspired by an article by my friend Mike Lyons


https://mlyons.substack.com/p/the-virus-of-anti-semitism



Tuesday, April 29, 2025

New Tricks !!




After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'... 🤣🤣🤣

Saturday, April 26, 2025

A message to our neighbours and a wish for the future




 

The festival of Purim has just passed  , and again they want to kill us! This is the gazillionth time they've tried.

So what is Purim about? 

 Baruch Hashem - they didn't succeed, and we survived!  Let's eat!!! 😂

From generation to generation - Purim is a time that we read the Megillah, the story of Queen Esther, Mordecai, King Achashverush, and Haman… 


Purim is the story of how people want to kill the Jews and how we survived . 


The Broadeay play - Spamalot 

There’s a musical called Spamalot on Broadway - about King Arthur and his Knights at the round table  - a song in the play goes like this 


You may have the finest sets

Fill the stage with penthouse pets

You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes

You may dance and you may sing

You may have butch men by the score

Whom the audience adore

You may even have some animals from zoos

Though you've Poles and Krauts instead

You may have unleavened bread

But I tell you, you are dead

If you don't have any Jews



So, what do Jews bring to the table ……


A living spring churning out inspirations and innovation in their communities


A spirit and a process with the  “Pulse” and Mission to be  a shining light to those around us


A community - that gives 


That is part of our essence 


So what happened to the cities when Jews left ?

Over the years around the world - where Jews left the cities - the cities degraded 


Egypt. before the expulsion in the 1950s, had a thriving Jewish quarter integral to Egyptian society, with significant contributions to the economy, culture, and intellectual life. After expulsion, there was a great decline in the economy and in Egyptian intellectual life. Jewish-owned businesses were confiscated or nationalized, leading to a loss of entrepreneurial spirit and economic innovation.


Spain: La Judería (Córdoba, Spain). Before expulsion, Córdoba was a hub of Jewish learning and culture, producing scholars like Maimonides and Ibn Ezra. Jews played a significant role in Córdoba's textile industry, commerce, and medicine. After expulsion, Córdoba's Jewish quarter was abandoned, and the city's intellectual and cultural significance declined sharply.


Poland - Kazimierz (Kraków, Poland). Before expulsion, it was a vibrant Jewish quarter, home to scholars like Moses Isserles and Rabbi Joel Sirkes. Jews played a significant role in Kraków's commerce, trade, and culture. After expulsion, the quarter fell into disrepair, and Kraków's Jewish community was significantly reduced. The city's economy declined, and its cultural and intellectual life suffered greatly.


Libya - La Ghriba (Tripoli, Libya). Before expulsion, La Ghriba was a historic Jewish synagogue and community center, symbolizing the long history of Jewish presence in Libya. Jews contributed to Libya's economy, particularly in the textile and commerce sectors. After expulsion, the synagogue was abandoned, and Libya's Jewish community was forced to flee. The country's economy suffered, and its cultural and intellectual life stagnated.


Zimbabwe , Iraq, Syria , Gaza - and the list goes on 


Countries where Jews are welcomed with open arms seem to thrive -


Success comes from those that surround  you

We will continue  to live by the laws of the Torah and the laws of the Country where we live-  and magnify the ethos of cooperation, collaboration, connection and community with our neighbours 


We will continue to show the world that when we work together, there is plenty for everyone. 


It's about friendship and partnership and the 5 cs

Connection , collaboration, contribution, competence and community


So this is a message to our neighbours - 

 Embrace the Jews. Let us continue to strive to  be the leaven that causes the bread to rise so that we can all feast together at the same banquet.


It's all about cooperation and acceptance of diverse people, including the Jews!


A wish for the future 

Our wish is to be friends with all the people of the world and live in peace and hormony with our neighbours 


There will always be those that are paralyzed by their jealousy and hate and want to attack and destroy us . We must know this and be ready to defend ourselves.


Continue to build a team spirit and magnify light and joy within our hearts and within our community. And through this course of action, eventually the Hamans of the world will come to see us in the positive light that is true to our essence.


Our wish is to be a shining light with our friends shining it too at our side.


Purim is about transforming fear and sadness to joy and light. 


"To the Jews (in Persia) there was light and joy… and may there be joy and light for us too."




Inspired by a great article by Rabbi Shaul Marshall Praver

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1DWZtBu9KA/?mibextid=wwXIfr