Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Monday, August 26, 2024

Better Medical Aid

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his balls rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,
"Oh my! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better medical aid."

Thursday, July 18, 2024

2 old men in a bar




Two old men are sitting in a bar.
One of them looks at the other & says
“You look familiar… where you from?”
The second old man replies “Ireland”
The first old man looks astonished & says
” No way I’m from Ireland myself, what a small world!”
The second old man then looks at the first “What city?”
The first old man says “Dublin?”
The second old man looks astonished
“No way I’m from Dublin meself! What a small world.”
The first man looks at the second old man “What school you go to?”
The second old man replies
“Saint Mary’s class of 89”
The first old man is absolutely baffled
” NO WAY Saint Mary’s class of 89 myself! What a small world!”


At this point, another man comes into the bar & says to the bartender
“Hey, Joe! Anything interesting going on?”
The bartender says
“Not really… but the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

Thursday, June 20, 2024

This is a brilliant 6 minutes in a nutshell by Douglas Murray - with my commentary

This blog is a blog of Jewish Jokes ….

However occasionally there is a brilliant song or speech that really resonates with me.

This commentary by Douglas Murray  on this current “Nakba” caused by the massive  attack on Israel on October 7- where over 1000 citizens were murdered and raped and taken hostage from their houses! 

Why was there not an outcry of rage for this Nakba?

Was it because this massacre was against Jews? 

Why were there demonstrations around the world - the day after this massacre - with crowds burning Israeli flags saying f the Jews , dirty Zionist pigs, Zionist rats - they should be eradicated - they are evil !!! 

This was even before Israel went into Gaza to destroy this evil and bring the hostages home! 

This is not about Netanyahu , or Palestinians having their own state ….this has been on the table since the tiny state of Israel was declared a state in 1948.
 
Murray reminds us of a comment by the late Rabbi Sacks - Antisemitism is a timeless virus - the Jews have been hated over the centuries for their religion, their race ,  for being rich or poor , for being communists and for being capitalists - for being stateless and now for having a state .

Zionism - is merely the right for Jews to have self determination in their homeland .

Why would someone be an anti Zionist ?

Who would protect the Jews 

The Spanish ? The Italians? The South African ANC? the Arab world ? 

Douglas Murray poignantly points out - that the only people who will defend the Jewish People - are the Jewish People ! 






Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Shavuot Sameach

From my friend Paul Mirbach (PEM ) celebrating Shavuot on Tuval - a kibbutz he went to when he made Aliyah over 40 years ago!


Shavuot is my favorite Hag. Every year I am amazed how viscerally I connect to the magic of it all. I am reminded of the Children of Israel from biblical times, who for seven weeks toiled arduously, in a race against time to complete the wheat harvest, which begins on the second day of Pesach, before the picking of the first fruits, which begins in the summer months. The 49 days of the Omer, which we count, reminds us of the urgency to finish the harvest before beginning to pick the fruits - so much so, that our forefathers has no time to shave, or cut their hair, or be distracted by celebrations, which is why those of us who observe the Omer eschew such grooming habits during this period, even today. 

Every year, I find myself spellbound by the rustic enchantment of the hag. Part of this is because of a feeling only those of us who made Aliya from the Southern Hemisphere could understand - the way Shavuot aligns with the right season. In Zimbabwe, when we were asked to prepare a basket for Shavuot, it was autumn. We would decorate it with the red and yellow leaves that fell from the trees. The first fruits were from the wrong season -winter fruits; oranges, lemons, bananas, and avocado. And the ceremony would be held indoors, or we would be bundled up in jumpers and jacket against the chill. When I made Aliya, it all came together. It was a completion of the alignment. Not only seasonally, but emotionally. NOW I understood it all: the counting of the Omer, the hay bales. the ceremony of the presentation of first fruits like the Temple priests would receive from the Israelites, who made the pilgrimage. It became so much more meaningful!

Shavuot on Tuval is simply sublime. The whole community comes together. Generations reunite as our children - both those who live here and those who have left, who make their own pilgrimage back home for the hag, come together, and for this day our family home is complete again. It becomes a reunion for them too with their childhood friends, and the camaraderie in the atmosphere is so tangible you can almost touch it. You just want to embrace it and cherish these moments. I delight is seeing our children's generation  grown up and with their chosen partners, enjoying the hag together. It fills me with a deep, serene satisfaction.

There is another aspect of Shavuot which I love:
"Where you go, I go; and where you live, I'll live. Your people are my people, your God is my god; where you die, I'll die, and that's where I'll be buried, so help me GOD—not even death itself is going to come between us!”

The story of Ruth. The first convert. The Moabite woman who chose to become a Jew. 

I dedicate this Shavuot to all Jews by choice. Those who fell in love with our religion and our people. I think there is something noble in the character of a person who made an active choice to become Jewish. 

As much as I love being Jewish and embrace my identity, that was bestowed upon me at birth, sometimes being Jewish in this world is a burden. We all know what I mean. We are destined to endure perpetually being seen as "different". For us, grappling with antisemitism is a perennial struggle, an onus thrust upon us, that we must live with forever. A never-ending threat or sore point, woven into our collective psyche. We have no choice.  

Jews by choice had a choice - and they chose to become one of us. It takes a special kind of courage to literally make a leap of faith to join this tribe, and to voluntarily take upon oneself this burden, and join their destiny to ours. In a way, there is no solidarity more meaningful and fundamental than that.

This year especially, when antisemitism has become a morally accepted norm in so many societies, when we are being vilified and accused of the most heinous evil, denounced as a moral blight on humanity, as much as it is not easy for us Jews by birth to withstand this prejudice and rejection, for Jews by choice - converts - it must be doubly hard.

So this year, I salute you, Jews by choice. I feel honored to have you among us, in our community, as one of us.   

"Where you live, I'll live. Your people are my people" has never held more significance on Shavuot, than it does this year.

Anachnu Am Echad!

Sunday, May 5, 2024

How do we create and share a story that we can be proud of , which continues to sustain us as a people?



Noah Yuval Herari talks about wars being fought and empires being created and destroyed  with Stories 


The Jews are a story we tell ourselves about who we think we are. 


Without our story, there is no Judaism.


We are living in a world where there are global demonstrations - with chants of the annihilation of Israel ! 


How has it come to this? 

  • How is it possible that Israel, rather than radical Islamism, become the villain on liberal campuses? 
  • How is it that thousands of students would be chanting “from the river to the sea” even as the Hamas massacre revealed that slogan’s genocidal implications? 
  • How is it that the most passionate outbreak of student activism since the 1960s would be devoted to delegitimizing the Jewish people’s story of triumph over annihilation? 
  • How has a story of a dispossessed people re-indigenizing in its ancient homeland have been  transformed into one more sordid expression of European colonialism?
  • How has the story of the birth of Israel in 1948 been reduced to the Nakba, or catastrophe - a Palestinian narrative of total innocence that ignores the ethnic cleansing of Jews from every Muslim country? 
  • How is it that the  ease with which anti-Zionists have managed to portray the Jewish state as genocidal and a successor to Nazi Germany?
  • How is it that Israel has been cast as an apartheid state – turning Zionism, a multi-faceted movement representing Jews across the political and religious spectrum into a racist ideology and reducing an agonizingly complex national conflict into a medieval passion play about Jewish perfidy. 


And now, with the Gaza War, we have come to the genocide card, the endpoint in the process of delegitimization.


  • How is it that the World sees  Israel as the world’s arch-criminal ?


It requires three forms of erasure says Yossi Klein Halevi in the Israeli Times


The first is disassociating the  connection between the land of Israel and the people of Israel. 


Delegitimising  a 4,000-year connection that has been the heart of Jewish identity and faith is irrelevant, if not contrived outright by Zionists.


The second is the erasure of the relentless war against Israel, placing its actions under a microscope while downplaying or entirely ignoring the aggression of its enemies. 


Erasing Hamas’s atrocities making  Israel m the villain of this war. Denying or legitimising the October 7 massacre .

The atrocities didn’t happen, you deserved them and we’re going to do it again (and again). 


The third form of erasure is dismissing the history of peace offers presented or accepted by Israel and uniformly rejected by the Palestinian side.


So what is Anti semitism ?


Antisemitism is turning the Jews into the symbol for whatever a given civilization defines as its most loathsome qualities. 


  • For Christianity until the Holocaust, The Jew was Christ-killer; 
  • for Marxism, the ultimate capitalist; 
  • for Nazism, the defiler of race. 
  • For Muslims, the epitome of evil 
  • And now, in the era of anti-racism, the Jewish state is the embodiment of racism. 


Unlike the Iranian regime, which clumsily tries to deny the historicity of the Holocaust, anti-Zionists in the West are coopting and inverting the Holocaust as the Jews being the perpetrators of a holocaust! 


Many, perhaps most, of the campus protesters are likely not antisemitic. They may have Jewish friends or be Jewish themselves. 


But that is irrelevant: They are enabling an antisemitic moment.


This is our story 


It is a story of a people rejecting the self-pity of victimhood and fulfilling its most improbable dream: renewing itself, in its broken old age, in the land of its youth. 


The shift from the lowest point Jews have known to the reclamation of power and self-confidence being  one of the most astonishing feats of survival not only in Jewish but world history. 


The distortion


The story has been  distorted and trivialized and demonized on liberal campuses. 


There is  a pervasive atmosphere of hostility toward Israel, even among many otherwise apolitical students. 


Linking the name “Israel” with racism and genocide. 


The vulgar protesters are a small minority, but they are shaping the attitudes of a whole generation. 


How do we, the Jews   defend the story we inherited from the survivor generation?


How do we to tell that story with moral credibility, in all its complexity, frankly owning our flaws even as we celebrate our successes, acknowledging the Palestinian narrative even as we insist on the integrity of our own?


The Jews are a story we tell ourselves about who we think we are.


Without our story, there is no Judaism. 


How do we tell and share  our  story that we can be proud of , which continues to sustain us as a people?


Inspired by 

Yossi Klein Halevi in the Israeli Times

Singing and demonstrating for peace and love vs war cries !!


Enough is enough. 




  • You can yell and scream catchy rhyming chants, 
  • You can attempt to rewrite history, 
  • You can choose to remain tik tok educated and deny reality, 
  • You can choose to cover your face and look eerily similar to the savage killers of 7 Oct, 
  • You can cheer for more terrorist atrocities to wipe out my family and my people, 
  • You can run amok in city squares and on uni campuses and disrupt people’s lives, 
  • You can gaslight Jews by telling them what is and isn’t antisemitism, 
  • You can tear apart social cohesion and the very fabric of the great country in which we live, 


but know this, 


  • we will NEVER cower, 
  • we will ALWAYS stand tall as proud Australian Jews and proud supporters of Israel, 
  • we WILL overcome your hate as we’ve done many times in our history and 
  • we WILL ALWAYS sing and pray for peace*.


Now for the University leaders to muster up the courage and clarity to deal with the disgraceful hate-filled sights and sounds of antisemitism and ensure a safe campus and educational experience for all students.


🇮🇱🇦🇺 Am Yisrael Chai!🎗️


Stand up against antisemitism! 


Meaning of Hebrew song being sung: Peace (Shalom, Salaam) will yet come, upon us all. 


See also 

https://jewhumor.blogspot.com/2024/06/this-is-brilliant-6-minutes-in-nutshell.html

Thursday, April 25, 2024

The Jewish Super Bowl!



Mistaken Identity


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's Hebrew school teacher.'

Monday, April 22, 2024

Chag Sameach - happy Easter, Pesach and Ramadan Mubarak




Press the list button on top rhs for list of songs 

As we celebrate Easter, Pesach and Ramadan Mubarak - throughout the world, we all reflect on the power of stories , community, tzedakah (charity)  and gratitude ! 

 It’s a time when families get together and celebrate life!!!  

It’s about the power of the dream!!

We are living in interesting times 

This Pesach is so meaningful to us on so many levels. 

We see the pain of our brothers and sisters and fellow humans inflicting pain on one another - why?? 

 With the magic of AI , chatgpt , web3 , instant communication and the metaverse promising great things (and some not so great things )!!  We live in an era of increasingly splendid machines and overpowering intelligences.   Can AI can be used to “amplify” humanity?  To truly grasp the technical  benefits we need to continue to explore fields like philosophy, psychology, history, fiction and story-telling .  

How do we “free ourselves” from slavery and achieve the freedom and happiness that we all strive for?   

Maybe through the sharing of stories , songs , family and friends?  focusing on gratitude, community, collaboration , connection and tzedakah (charity ) 

 Chag Sameach and happy Passover , Mubarak Ramadan and Happy Easter.

#thejoint

Saturday, January 6, 2024

Finkelstein Golda Rebecca and Sarah at old age home




At the Jewish Home for the Aged these three old ladies were sitting in the solarium having a quiet conversation when Finklestein the Flasher approached them from across the room.  

Finklestein came up to the  ladies,  stood right in front of  them  and opened his trench coat.  

Golda immediately had a  stroke.   

Then, Rebecca also had a stroke.  

But, Sarah, being older and more feeble,  couldn't reach that far.