Enough is enough

Rivkala tottered into a lawyer's office.

“I want a divorce.”

“A divorce?” asked the shocked lawyer.

“You hoid me, sonny! A divorce.”

“Mrs. Baumgarten ... how old are you?”

“Ninety – just.”

“And your husband?”

“Irving? Ninety-two – next month.”

“Well ... how long have you been married?” he asked in disbelief.

“Tomorrow, 70 years."

“Seventy years?! Why a divorce now?”

“Sonny,” said Rivka ... “enough is enough!”

Stepping on a duck

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

SEX AFTER DEATH!!!

A tonsld Breyer classic 

 A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

 Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

 After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. 

True to his word, he made the first contact:

 "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

 "Is that you, Frank?"

 "Yes, I've come back as we agreed."

 "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

 "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

 I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. 

Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.  

 After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

 Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over  again."

 "Oh, Frank! Are you in  Heaven?"

 "No -- I'm a fucking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"

A stone of note

The money or …….

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. 

Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, '£20 or off it comes'!"

"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Rabbi & Priest Story - being humble and looking to achieve

A Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"