A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

       

Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy Citibank!"

       

       

Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

       

       

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince... I intend to purchase Microsoft! 

       

       

They then all wait for the Jew to speak.

       

       

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon  neatly on the table, takes a sip of his  coffee, looks  at them and casually says:           

       

       

"I'm not  selling!!"

70 year old golfer with sexy girlfriend

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Golf club  with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde hangong on to hos arm arm and listening intently to his every word and laughing at his jokes 

His buddies ask him 

"Bob,how'd you get this trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade  her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? 

Did you tell her you were 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No. I told her I was 90."

Dovening Anywhere

Yom Kippur crying

The guy praying next to me was crying so much that I started getting jealous thinking about all the bad things he did during the past year

SYNAGOGUE DOG

A jewish guy walks into his synagogue on Yom Kippur with with his dog. The rabbi stops him at the door and says "Moishe, what's the matter with you? You can't bring a dog in here."

"Don't worry, Rabbi," replies Moishe, "Isaac here is just as orthodox as I am, and he's come to pray." And as soon as he says that, the dog stands up on his hind legs, pulls a yarmulka out of Moishe's pocket, grabs a prayer book and starts praying in perfect Hebrew.

The Rabbi is amazed. "Oh my god," he says, "this is incredible, Moishe. You should make this dog become a rabbi!"

"You tell him that, Rabbi," replies Moishe. "He wants to become a doctor."

Church Bells, Fire sirens and a bissela luv

Thanks Malcolm Steingold 

A beautiful young celebrity was being interviewed after the passing of her 91 year old husband. He was a Jewish billionaire who shall remain nameless. Reporter: “You just married him because he was rich and powerful didn’t you? How could a beautiful young woman enjoy making love to a 91 year old little Jewish man?”  The young woman replied “you are wrong. I loved him dearly and he was the best most considerate lover I have ever had. We used to make love once a week on a Sunday to the rhythm of the church bells.” The reporter responded. That is incredible but very romantic”. The beautiful young woman responded “Yes I know. I miss him so much and if the fire engine had not gone past our house last Sunday he would still be alive.😢 Sigh.”

Who can relate?

Language is such a powerful weapon - that can easily be misinterpreted (tx Kala 😜)

I Choose Hope

Shana Tova Umetucha

שנה טובה ומתוקה

As our community fights the the Delta Covid-19, it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty. People are  reeling from losses - of loved ones, incomes, support, lockdowns, systems and freedom

Edith Eger who wrote her holocaust memoir “The Choice” in 2017, shared how we always have the choice of what we put into our minds - and hope - even though this is so very hard to do when we are in the grip of despair. 

These were the final wise words from her mother who was murdered at Auschwitz.

Many people need financial and emotional support with burial services team working around the clock. Families are separated from their loved ones in their final hours. 

But disaster brings out the best in people -  tremendous kindness, generosity and compassion in abundance . 

Disaster brings out very best of humanity and that’s what fills me with gratitude and hope.

We cannot choose our environment and the dangers of Covid or war or external challenges that we may have 

We can choose how we focus our thoughts, and through which lens we view our world.

You  don’t need to polish your  turd - but you can look beyond the turd - you can thank G-d that the turd is rather out than in! 

So, when we struggle with despair or helplessness - and we will, time and again, we need to  go back to the choice we have - 

The Choice to hope and be optimistic about the future 

Hope gives your heart courage and strength to do the right thing  no matter how afraid and vulnerable we feel. (Psalms 27:14). 

Hope is that this too shall pass, that when working together we can rise to what life is demanding of us, and that we have the power to see the good and feel the gratitude. 

 “Everything is in the hands of Heaven, except our belief in Heaven.” We are not in control…truthfully, we never were, but we do have one choice and that is to choose hope.

Blessings in times of crisis (from a South African Rabbi)

“When Covid hit our community 15 months ago, I pulled out the Chev’s burial records from the Spanish Flu in 1918. I was desperate for some experience to lean on and some information to prepare us for what might come. I was astounded at what I found. A hundred years ago people were burying their small children in significant numbers. I keep this record book open on my desk as a reminder that however dark things look, there is so much light. This awful virus has spared our young children. Our choice is to see the light and the good and to strengthen and protect ourselves with gratitude. “

Our choice is to hope that G-d will help us, do everything we can to strengthen ourselves and remember that the outcome is in His hands.

Wishing us all a Shana Tova Umetukah - and have the courage and faith to choose to keep on hoping