Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Sunday, July 13, 2025

Prescription for Cyanide !




When a woman walked into the pharmacy, her strides were purposeful, and her gaze fixed firmly on the pharmacist behind the counter. Without hesitation, she leaned in and said in an even, unwavering voice, “I need to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist froze, startled by the blunt request. “Excuse me?” he stammered. “Why would you possibly need cyanide?”

“To poison my husband,” she replied matter-of-factly.

His jaw nearly hit the counter. “What? Are you insane? Ma’am, I can’t just sell you cyanide! That’s illegal! If I did, I’d lose my license, we’d both go to jail—you do realize that, don’t you? Absolutely not! You can’t have any cyanide!”

The woman let out a long, exasperated sigh and reached into her handbag. Wordlessly, she retrieved a photograph and placed it on the counter. The picture clearly showed her husband in bed—with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist’s face drained of color as he stared at the damning evidence. His mouth opened and closed a few times, but no words came out. Finally, he cleared his throat and pushed the photo back toward her with a newfound air of calm.

“Well,” he said, his tone carefully measured, “you didn’t mention you had a prescription. That’s a different story.”

Friday, June 13, 2025

I Am the Jew who some tried to Erase




I am the Jew who was  expelled from Spain in 1492 — long before Columbus ever sailed the ocean blue.


I am the Jew who was  confined to the ghettos of Venice, taxed in France, beaten in Kiev, and humiliated in Poland.


I am the Jew who was  hunted across Europe — after Germany, after the camps, after the smoke cleared.


I am the Jew Stalin called a parasite. The one Churchill shook hands with, then sold out. The one America left stranded on Europe’s burning shores.


I am the child of the Jew who was  gassed. The one whose prayers were mocked. And whose rebirth in our ancestral homeland is now resented — because we dared to survive.


I am the Jew who did not disappear.


I am the Jew whose brothers and sisters in Israel walk with a Torah in one hand and a rifle in the other — not to impress you, but to remind you: we survived both the firing squad and the debate hall.


I am a proud Jew. A proud Zionist.


And for that — there are those that  hate me.


To the United Nations and every finger-wagging diplomat: don’t lecture us about “proportionality.”


The Torah says:


“If someone comes to kill you, rise early and kill him first.”

— Talmud, Berakhot 58a


I am proud to be the Jew your grandfather may have whispered about.

The one your teacher may have warned you not to trust.

The one Hitler tried to erase.


But guess what?


I didn’t vanish.


I survived Auschwitz.

I survived the British detention camps in Cyprus.

I survived Babylon, Rome, London, Oslo — and every exile you buried us in.


I survived the love letters to tyrants.

I survived the arms deals with genocidal regimes.


And that is why I am proud of my Israeli brothers and sisters -


Who are   not just survivors —but  witnesses

and now weapons.


Forged in exile.

Tempered in fire.

Sharpened by betrayal.


To those that know who you are 

I hear you chant for my death, then the complaints that I yelled too loudly when I lived.


I see you arming Hamas — and blaming me for the explosion.


You build statues of dead colonizers — and call us colonizers for returning home after 3,000 years.


But I am not afraid.


I am a loving Jew — but never mistake that for weakness.


I will dance at weddings and cry at funerals.

I will share and laugh at jokes and live and love life 

I will welcome you for Shabbat and pass you the salt.

I will help connect , collaborate , contribute and build communities 


But if you come for me or my people —

You’ll meet the fire that still burns in the Jewish soul.


We are the nation that lit candles through exile, through empire, through darkness — and still lights them every Friday night.


I am a proud Jew.


I am a proud Zionist.


And now you know exactly what kind of Jew you’re dealing with.


Am Yisrael Chai.

The People of Israel Live


Adapted from *I Am a Damn Jew—And I Am Pissed Off*

By Yonah Elias

May 21, 2025


Thursday, May 29, 2025

Ramaphosa defending the chant “kill the Boer” and “kill the white farmer




You can’t dream up this crap!!
Just when you thought there was some hope with this dude -

Ramaphosa -
Hate speech is not ok - and is not allowed in any way in your constitution . 

Chanting “Kill the Boer” or “Kill the Farmer” is not ok!! . 
(This was not regarded as hate speech in the South African equality court , citing historical and political context.
However, this ruling remains heavily contested and divisive, and is under ongoing legal and public debate.)

No it’s not ok to chant the “K” word and chant hate speech against blacks in South Africa 

Under South African law, particularly the Promotion of Equality and Prevention of Unfair Discrimination Act (PEPUDA), hate speech is prohibited. 

This includes: Any speech that demonstrates a clear intention to be hurtful, incite harm, or promote hatred based on race, ethnicity, or similar grounds.

Hate speech that is provocative, and potentially inciting violence against a race or a people should be illegal ! 

It provokes violence and public outrage leading to death, 
  • It damages social cohesion
  • It is in direct conflict with South Africa’s constitutional values of dignity, equality, and non-racialism
  • It causes citizens to feel unsafe!

Bottom Line:

Using racial slurs or promoting hate speech is illegal, harmful, and completely unacceptable in South Africa — both legally and socially.

And people who invite violence and evoke hate speech should go to Jail - Willy Nilly! 

Wednesday, May 28, 2025

How Government Works




They 
  • BREAK YOUR LEGS
  • SELL YOU A WHEELCHAIR
  • TAXES THE WHEELCHAIR
  • REGULATES WHEELCHAIR USE
  • ASSURES YOU THAT WITHOUT GOVERNMENT, YOU WOULDN'T BE GETTING AROUND SO WELL

Friday, May 23, 2025

Meeting between Trump and Ramaphosa



What your heard:- 

“I am sorry , I don’t have a plane to give you “

What you didn’t hear 

“I’ve kept it all to myself” 

Wednesday, May 21, 2025

Hagba and Tora


I really hurt my arm doing Hagba 

Sound like you Tora ligament