Sephardi and Ashkenazi’s at Shul

Classic!!

2 women talking Coronavirus

Two old Jewish ladies talking ,

Rivka- " I heard that your husband has Corona Virus ?"

Devorele – yes nebach its true

Rivka – what are you doing for him?

Devorele – Velll , for breakfast I give him matza , plain Matza

For Lunch , I give him again Matza mitten de thinnest shmear of jam or peanut butter

And for dinner I give him matza with a shmear of mayonnaise , pastrami and the thinnest pickles on top ?

Rivka – and is it helping ?

Devorele – how should I know ? it’s the only thing that slides under his door😂🤣😂

Trump fighting after election result

Gotta luv Monty Python and the holy grail 

Don’t mess with Senior Citizens

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. 

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" 

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. 

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." 

"But I didn't use them." 

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." 

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." 

"Well, we have them, and you could have." 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. 

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. 

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

 "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me." 

"But I didn't!" 

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Ivans 60th

 

Inspired poetry

From Clive Smallman:- 

Les Dawson was an English comedian, taken from us too young. An old friend prompted me to look up some of Les's jokes. His sense of the absurd and love of language is summed up thus 

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

Rabbi goes to confession

Rabbi walks in to the confessional and the Priest a little confused asks,”Can I help you Rabbi”The Rabbi says I’m a married man of thirty years with two children and recently met a young college girl that I’m having the most sensuous sex with 3-4 times a week at that seedy hotel around the corner from here.

We go at it like two animals for 2-3 hours each meeting.

The Priest says I see your problem being a married man with children and having these relations is obviously an issue,but why are you telling this to me?

The Rabbi says,”Telling you-I’m telling everybody”