Farshtaist? (Do You Understand?)

Yiddish was the secret code,  therefore I don't farshtaist, A bisseleh maybe here and there,  the rest has gone to waste. 
Sadly when I hear it now,  I only get the gist,
My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully;  but me,  I am tsemisht. So och un vai as I should say,  or even oy vai iz mir, 
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish,  it's familiar to my ear.
And I'm no Chaim Yonkel ,  in fact I was shtick naches,
But, when it comes to Yiddish though,  I'm talking out my tuchas. Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better
(Though it's really nishtkefelecht when one needs to write a letter)
But, when it comes to characters,  there's really no contention,
No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen: They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,
Then,  too,  schmendriks and schlemiels,  and let's not forget schlemazel. 
These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener,
So much better than   "a pill "  is to call someone  'farbissener'. Or  -  that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria, 
And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.
I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch, 
But isn't mieskeit kinder,  than to call someone a wretch? Mitten derinnen,  I hear Bubbeh say,  "It's nechtiker tog,  don't fear,
To me you're still a maven,  zol zein shah,  don't fill my ear.
A leben ahf dein keppele,  I don't mean to interrupt,
But you are speaking narishkeit.....And A gezunt auf dein kup!"


Glossary of Terms
Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
Bisseleh = A little
Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up
Och un vai = Alas and alack
Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
Pisk = mouth
Naches = Joy, Gratification
Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children
Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible
Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role of being one
Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered; dopey person
Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person; same as chlemiel
Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad luck
(it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the Shlimazel!)
Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person
Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera.
Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.
Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on your nerves
(Lit., Don't bang your teapot!)
Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer
Mieskeit = Ugly
Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly
Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone! Forget it! Nonsense!
(Lit., a night's day)
Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!
Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well said! Well done!
(Lit., A long life upon your head.)
Narishkeit = Nonsense

Spell Cultivate and use it in a sentence

Saul Epstein Was Taking An Oral Exam Applying For His Citizenship
Papers. He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate" - He Spelled It Correctly.
He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence.
He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A Very Cold Day, I
Vas Vaiting For A Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I Took The subvay Home."

An old Jewish beggar wanting a coffee

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street with his tin cup.
" Please sir," he pleaded to a passerby, "could you spare three cents for a cup of coffee?"
The man asked, "Where do you get coffee for three cents?"
The beggar replied, "Who buys retail?"

3 Jewish mummas

Three Jewish mamas sitting on a park bench. 

The first one lets out a heartfelt "Oy!"
A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says "Oy vey!"

A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, "Oy veyizmir!"

To which the first bubbe replies: "I thought we agreed we weren't going to talk about our children!"

May 2012 Jewish Jokes!

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and
Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"
The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will
be the lucky one."
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If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses
an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?

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Jewish Marriage advice: "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may
leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who
cares?"

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Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but
she'll never forget what she forgave."

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A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honors its Rabbi for 25
years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses
paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude
woman lying on the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something
extra that the President of the shul arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the
President of the shul and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you
thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our
religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard
the end of this"

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not
angry with you."

Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

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Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

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Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

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Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

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Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

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Point of View

A MOTHER WAS TELLING A FRIEND ABOUT HER KIDS... MY DAUGHTER MARRIED SUCH A NICE BOY, HE LETS HER STAY IN BED ALL DAY, SHE DOESN'T GET UP UNTIL LATE, SHE EATS BREAKFAST IN BED DOESN'T DO ANY HOUSEWRK, OH, WHAT A LIFE... BUT MY SON... OH MY GOD DID HE MARY A BITCH ! SHE STAYS IN BED ALL DAY, SHE DOESN'T GET UP UNTIL LATE, SHE EATS BREAKFAST IN BED DOSN'T DO ANY HOUSEWORK. IS THAT A WIFE ?