Role of a Jewish Husband

“You’ve been offered the role of a Jewish husband whose been married for 30 years”

“Oh dear…. I was hoping for a speaking part”

No Sex since 1955

A crusty old Israeli Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local art college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am.  Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are.  No wonder you're so serious.  You really need to chill out and relax!  I mean, no sex since 1955!

Come with me."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

Nussbaum and Son

Abe Nussbaum had built up a flourishing textile company. When his son Phil graduated from business college he joined his father’s company as an advisor and, naturally enough, the firm’s name changed to Nussbaum and Son. His first few suggestions were gratefully appreciated and acted on by his dad. Then one day, after a couple of months, he came into Abe’s office. “Dad. We need to modernise and make our image slicker. For starters I think we should shorten our name and get rid of the ‘’baum”. Fine by me, son” said Abe and so the change was actioned. 

All seemed well initially but after only two days Leah, the long serving receptionist, burst into Abe’s office “Boss- I’ve had enough- I’m quitting!” “What do you mean” replied Abe- obviously rather taken aback. “You’ve been an great asset to the business since we started up twenty years ago” 

“All very well for you to say that” said Leah “but whenever someone calls or comes in and asks for Mr Nuss you don’t have to ask if they want Mr A. Nuss or Mr P. Nuss!”

Golf or Sex

The golfers' conundrum . . . 

Four married Jewish men go golfing... During the 4th hole the following conversation took place: 

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will have the interior of the house completely painted by next weekend." 

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would get a contractor to build a new deck for the pool next week." 

Third Guy: "Man, you both got off cheap! I had to promise my wife that I would have the kitchen remodeled for her."  

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him: "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" 

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. . . When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf Course-or sex? and she says, "Wear your sweater".

Goldberg’s Airconditioning and Ford

Thanks Nathan Chanesman

Ivan, this is the Goldberg joke. 

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 40C degrees. 

The brothers walked into Henry Ford's office telling they had the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. 

Henry was curious so they asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car where the inside temp was over 70C degrees, they turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car down almost immediately. 

Henry got very excited and offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. 

No way was Ford going to put the Goldberg's name on millions of his cars. After much haggling they finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. 

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

The best way to fall asleep

Best way to fall asleep 

Goldberg the most connected guy in town

Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "OK, Goldberg, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Goldberg and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Goldberg! Great to see you! You and your friend... come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Goldberg's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Goldberg that he thinks Goldberg's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Goldberg says. "President Biden" his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Goldberg says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Biden spots Goldberg on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Goldberg, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Goldberg, who again implores him to name anyone else.

The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Goldberg. "I've known the Pope a long time."

So they fly to Rome. 

Goldberg and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Goldberg says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."  And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Goldberg emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Goldberg returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Goldberg asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Goldberg?"