Why Jews Get Ahead

Joke borrowed from Jeff Jacobson with thanks .

Bill Gates (about as Goyish as anybody can be) advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe.  5000 candidates show up at the job screening.  They are assembled in a large room.  Among them is Maurice Cohen, a French Jew, a small, bearded, bespeckled man.

 

Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks all those who are not familiar with the JAVA programming language to leave; 2000 people rise and leave the room.  Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay?  I'll give it a try".

 

Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience of managing teams of more than 100 people to leave. Another 2000 people go. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?”

Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have outstanding academic qualifications to rise and leave; 500 people remove themselves. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave; 498 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says himself, "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell! Have I got anything to lose?"

He finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who know JAVA, have managed large teams of employees, have advanced PhD degrees, and who can speak Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo-Croatian."

Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Baruch ata Adonai."

The other candidate answers: "Elohénu melech ha'olam."

Making the best of a situation

A Jewish man and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a long kiss and says to him, "I'll see you later".

"Who the hell was that?" says the wife.

"That was my mistress." says the husband.

"I want a divorce!" says the wife, "This is the last straw! I've had enough."

The husband says, "Alright! You'll get your divorce, but just remember this: There will be no more Winters in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, 

no more shopping trips to Paris, no more Mercedes in the garage, and no more Yacht Club, no more Harrods Diamond Card, etc. etc. 

But the decision is yours!"

Just then a friend of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" says the wife.

"That's his mistress", says the husband.

"His mistress you say? says the wife: "Ours is much prettier.".

3 wishes

: One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted

island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

 

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

 

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out

even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

 

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a

black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and

zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead

gorgeous blonde!

 

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,

"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good

cigar?"

 

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

 

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof

pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a

fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

 

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.

"Faith and begorrah," said the castaway. "Ahh, that is so

good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

 

"And howlong has it been since you've had a drop of good

Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

 

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

 

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to herright sleeve,

unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handedit to

him.

 

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of

the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

 

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip

the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She

looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it

been since you've played around?"

 

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and

sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've

got golf clubs in there

A Cabbie picks up a Nun

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''

''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''

She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''

The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''

The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''

''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''

The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSSIE GIRL

 Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... 

The first man married a Greek girl. 

He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. 

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. 

The second man married a Thai. 

He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. 

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. 

The third man married a girl from Australia

He ordered her to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. 

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Chicken or turkey

For someone who pissed you off - tell them where to get off