Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Friday, December 30, 2016

A Yoddishe Kopf

A Yiddishe Kopfn old Jewish man lived alone in the country. 


He needed to plant his potato garden but the task was too daunting for the old man as the ground was hard.His only son, Chaim, who used to help him dig, was in federal prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud investigation. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 


Dear Chaim

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

love, Papa


A few days later, the old man received a letter from his son: ;


Dear Papa!!!

For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money & stocks!!!

Love, Chaim;


At ;4:00 a.m. next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area - without finding any money or stocks.  They apologized to the old man and left.;That same day the old man received another letter from his son:


Dear Papa:

Can you go ahead  and plant the potatoes now?.. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Chaim

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Best Genie Joke Ever!


A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 

 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 

 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'


So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. 

The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 

    
'No Kidding,' he said. 
    

  'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Ed Hunter: The 37 Things You Only Know if You’re a Senior Recruiter

Is this tue???? 

You’ve been in recruitment for a while now. You know the game. You’ve seen people come and go in your company like the changing of the wind. You probably have a smart answer prepared for Friday night beers when that 9/10 asks you what you do for a living.

When it comes to recruitment, you’ve earned your stripes!

And because you’re a seasoned veteran, here’s the summation of what you’ve learned so far…

  1. Realising ‘OTE‘ actually means ‘Obviously Totally Exaggerated’
  2. Knowing 4 out of every 5 rookies won’t make the end of their second week…
  3. … And the one that does won’t be the one you (and everyone else) chatted up in the first week
  4. The first ‘newbie’ to nonchalantly stroll in 5 minutes late with a smile on their face will normally be the first to go
  5. You can tell a good CV from a bad CV from a 3 second glance
  6. You know not to count your chickens before the money’s in the bank…
  7. …But you do every time and start shopping online the moment after sending that ‘dead cert’ CV
  8. You revel in an opportunity to justify why you’re better than a client’s current supplier, who you know by name
  9. Hitting target with time to spare and miraculously ‘finding’ a deal on the very first day of the next month.
  10. 3PM onwards on a Friday is a recruitment ghost town. You WILL NOT get hold of candidates OR clients…
  11. …But you’ll still try upon your boss’s insistence!
  12. Lunch meetings with a client on a Friday means a free boozy lunch (whether the client’s there or not)
  13. You know the exact amount to the nearest pound that’s likely to get signed off on an expense form
  14. You know the phone number which gets stuck on a ‘VM’ loop when you’re up against the clock for phone times
  15. ‘lmtcb’ is one of the most pointless things you can write on the database. No one’s checking and they won’t call back
  16. Pay day = commission day and the best day of the month…
  17. … But also the day ‘chats in the boardroom’ turn into people leaving swiftly with their head down
  18. ‘Monthly lunch club’ means shots before your starter is for some reason acceptable…
  19. … Especially for Jill in Accounts who’s somehow ‘never done a Jaeger Bomb before’
  20. The company trip means ANYTHING goes
  21. Walking around on the phone with a headset, while throwing a ball to yourself lets everyone in the office know YOU MEAN BUSINESS!
  22. All leads, jobs, interviews and CVs sent will be saved for ‘BD Day‘ with the promise of an early finish for the victor
  23. Sending a connection request to that 9/10 on LinkedIn, to reaffirm you aren’t a stalker…
  24. … Then panicking when it’s not accepted
  25. Overhearing your mate say “Yeah I’m a Headhunter” in the pub and correcting them with “he means Recruiter!”
  26. Spotting another recruiter in a bar from 1000 paces… and being able to guess who they work for… and whether they’re any good
  27. REALLY wishing you had a life during the week other than recruitment…
  28. … So promising yourself you’ll take some time out this week…
  29. … Until that mega urgent job comes in and you’re still at your desk at 9PM
  30. Knowing that if a colleague leaves their desk to take a call, they’ll be leaving within the month
  31. ‘Home truths’ and tears are on the menu at the Christmas Party…
  32. … Along with P45s the next day
  33. New initiatives rolled out by management are likely to last 2 weeks, but your feigned ‘enthusiastic face’ would get you a lead part in Neighbours
  34. Knowing full well that sending an introductory email touting for business WILL NOT bring in business…
  35. … But doing it anyway and logging it on the database
  36. Wishing some days you’d never gone into recruitment…
  37. … But mostly being glad you did and absolutely loving it when things go well

There you have it. That’s all for now. Keep fighting the good fight.

Ed x