Gay

Bernie gets word that his elderly father is in a hospice in Florida and his death is imminent.

 Bernie who has not spoken or contacted his father for sometime hurries to his bedside.

 He rushes to his father’s bedside and clutches his hand and says he is sorry for being so distant for all this time.

 He asks his father , that since he is the only heir, “Poppa , I’m so sorry I’ve been so distant, but what are you doing with your bank accounts, your art collection, your condo, your Cadillac?

 The old dying man motions Bernie to move closer and whispers in his ear “ gay”

 Bernie is taken aback he does not understand, he asks his father 

“ Poppa are you saying you are gay and leaving everything to your lover?”

 His father whispers again “ nein, nein, gay”

 Bernie still doesn’t understand and says “ Poppa do you think I’m gay and will give all your riches to my lover?”

  The old man gathers all his remaining strength and says as clearly as he can, “ nein, Nein, du nischt fashtain, GAI KAKEN”

A Rabbi’s gift from the President

A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honours its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. 

When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed. 

She greets the Rabbi with, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the President of the shul arranged for you.” The Rabbi is incensed. 

He picks up the phone, calls the President of the shul and shouts, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this. 

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and asks, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.”

Sammy Davis Jr gets on a bus down South

Sammy Davis Jr. converted to Judaism in 1961. Not surprisingly when the Dean Martin Celebrity Roast honored Sammy in 1975, his conversion was joked about repeatedly by the amazing comedians. (It's on YouTube, well worth checking out.) 

When Joey Bishop took the podium he told the following story:

(To Sammy): "You remember 12 years ago this very month, we were down South doing a benefit together? We got on the bus----the driver said to you, 'You'll have to sit to the rear of the bus,' 

"Sammy says: 'I'm Jewish!' The driver says, "get off!"

Pussycats

A little old Jewish man is sitting on the beach in Miami Beach reading his newspaper. 

A little old Jewish woman walks over to him and says "Pardon me you're new in town aren't you?

"Ya" he grunts not moving and still reading his paper.

"Do you like going out dancing?"

"Mm" he grunts still focused on his paper

"Do you like the theater?"

"Mm"

"Do you like fine dining"? 

"Mm"

Finally in desperation to get some kind of response from him she tries "Do you like pussycats?"

Suddenly he drops his paper, looks her right in the eye, walks over to her, takes her to the ground and makes mad passionate love to her right there on the beach, 

After they're finished she turns to him and says "How did you know what I really wanted?"

To which he replies "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Man trying to sit on a stool at Messina

An old gentlemen goes into an old fashioned ice cream parlor with the swivel stools.He is having a hard time getting on the stool.

He orders an ice cream sundae. The girl starts to prepare it and she realizes she didn't ask what condiments he wants. 

She turns toward him, still having trouble getting on the stool, and asks" wet nuts?"

He responds " no! arthritis."

Old couple getting married visits a pharmacy

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89,  are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our bridal registry."

A Jewish man goes on a cruise

One of my favorite jokes.

A Jewish man goes on a cruise. He happens to stand next to a tall, rugged Texan. The Texan looks at the thin Jewish man and says, "Are you sure you will be fine on the open seas?"

The Jewish man, not wanting to sound intimidated says, "Yes. Definitely."

The journey begins and the Texan takes a nap. The Jewish man gets sea sick and vomits on the Texan. The Texan wakes up, looks at the vomit, and then looks at the Jew.

The Jewish man smiles and says, "Nu, you feel better?"