A synagogue in New York City holds marriage seminars for the community.
Some are for women, some for their husbands and some they attend together.
At the seminar last week, the rabbi asked Shlomo about his marriage.
Shlomo replied he had been married almost 50 years.
Amidst the gasps of awe and murmurs, the rabbi was impressed and asked him
if he could kindly take just a few minutes to share his insight and knowledge
about how he managed to stay married to the same woman for all these years.
Shlomo replied aloud to all the assembled husbands,
we've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, let her keep a
Kosher home, take her on trips and never look at other women.
Best of all, I took her to Israel for our 25th anniversary!
The rabbi responded,
"Shlomo, you are an amazing inspiration to all of the husbands here!
Please tell us what you're planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?
Shlomo proudly replied, "I'm going back to Israel to pick her up."
Jewish Humour
Thursday, February 16, 2012
THE SMILING JEW
A well known Anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a jewish cap / kippa, a prayer shawl / tzitzis, and traditional locks of hair / payos.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly, that everyone can hear,
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.ג€;
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and waving to him and says 'Thank You' in an equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear.
This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you."
So the guy asks the barman, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except for him, and all that the silly bugger does is to smile and thank me in such a loud voice.
Is he nuts?
"Nope," replies the bartender.
"He owns this place."
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly, that everyone can hear,
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.ג€;
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and waving to him and says 'Thank You' in an equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear.
This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you."
So the guy asks the barman, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except for him, and all that the silly bugger does is to smile and thank me in such a loud voice.
Is he nuts?
"Nope," replies the bartender.
"He owns this place."
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
What Stock Should I buy?
I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.
He said, "If Julia is in office much longer - tinned food,
a generator, water, and ammunition, are your best bets."
He said, "If Julia is in office much longer - tinned food,
a generator, water, and ammunition, are your best bets."
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Communication - Fluctuations
Fluctuations at the bank Today's word is................. Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady
in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller,"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"The teller shrugged his shoulders
and said,"Fluctuations."The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people
too"
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady
in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller,"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"The teller shrugged his shoulders
and said,"Fluctuations."The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people
too"
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Meyer and the Talking Parrot
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one night when he passed a pet store (perhaps a PetSmart -- PETM?) and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk ... vus machst du ... yeah, du ... outside, standing like a schlemiel ... eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn’t believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.
All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and handmade a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services.
Meyer spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot the Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him.
Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer’s shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven ... feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven ... come on, everybody’s looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars.
He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don’t be a schlemiel," the parrot replied. "You know what odds we’ll get at Yom Kippur?!"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn’t believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.
All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and handmade a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services.
Meyer spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot the Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him.
Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer’s shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven ... feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven ... come on, everybody’s looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars.
He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don’t be a schlemiel," the parrot replied. "You know what odds we’ll get at Yom Kippur?!"
Hymie's Assertiveness Training
When Moshe sees his friend Hymie in Epstein’s Deli, he goes over to him and says, "Hymie, my dear friend, why so glum?"
"Because my wife Selma is always shouting at me," replies Hymie. "I just don't know what to do about it. It's driving me meshugga."
"Well I have the perfect solution for you," replies Moshe. "It worked well for me, so there's no reason to suppose it won't work for you too."
"So tell me already. What you think I should do," says Hymie.
"I think the best thing for you to do," replies Moshe, "is to sign up for an Assertiveness Training Course as soon as you possibly can."
"Hmm…" says Hymie, "I’m not sure. Let’s me check with Selma and see what she thinks.”
"Because my wife Selma is always shouting at me," replies Hymie. "I just don't know what to do about it. It's driving me meshugga."
"Well I have the perfect solution for you," replies Moshe. "It worked well for me, so there's no reason to suppose it won't work for you too."
"So tell me already. What you think I should do," says Hymie.
"I think the best thing for you to do," replies Moshe, "is to sign up for an Assertiveness Training Course as soon as you possibly can."
"Hmm…" says Hymie, "I’m not sure. Let’s me check with Selma and see what she thinks.”
A woman in a Jewellery store, Farts while bending
from my friend Lawrence Fisher in Israel:-
A woman in a Jewellery store, Farts while bending over to look at a Beautiful Diamond ring.
She looks round, embarrassed,& sees the salesman standing behind her.
Totally professional, he says, "Good day Madam, How may I help U?"
... ...
Hoping that maybe he hadn't heard her ''accident'',
she asks, "Sir, whats the Price of this lovely Ring?"
He answers,
"Madam, if you Farted just Looking at it, U're going to Shit when I'll tell U the Price
A woman in a Jewellery store, Farts while bending over to look at a Beautiful Diamond ring.
She looks round, embarrassed,& sees the salesman standing behind her.
Totally professional, he says, "Good day Madam, How may I help U?"
... ...
Hoping that maybe he hadn't heard her ''accident'',
she asks, "Sir, whats the Price of this lovely Ring?"
He answers,
"Madam, if you Farted just Looking at it, U're going to Shit when I'll tell U the Price
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