Jewish Humour
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Is anything alright?
Two Jewish mothers are sitting in a restaurant.
The waiter comes over.
"Is ANYTHING alright...?" he asks.....
The waiter comes over.
"Is ANYTHING alright...?" he asks.....
A Jewish grandmother
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there...he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my God, how could you?
Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to charity?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that
you would be proud of?
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my God, how could you?
Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to charity?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that
you would be proud of?
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
A Jewish mother-in-law
In a small nineteenth century Russian shtetl, two families negotiate with a prominent yeshiva to provide two students as husbands for their daughters. The two young men set out for the town. On the way, their wagon is attacked by Cossacks, and one of the men is killed. When the survivor finally arrives in the town, a fight breaks out between the mothers of the two unmarried girls: Each claims that the young man is the intended groom for her daughter. The man himself can shed no light on the matter, and the case is brought before the local rabbi.
"Cut the boy in half," the rabbi finally rules, and let each girl be given half of his body".
"Oh, no!" the first mother says. "Don't kill him. My daughter will give up her claim".
"Go ahead and cut" the other mother says.
The rabbi stands up and points to the second woman. "That is the mother-in-law".
Steve Sheffey, Highland Park, IL, USA
"Cut the boy in half," the rabbi finally rules, and let each girl be given half of his body".
"Oh, no!" the first mother says. "Don't kill him. My daughter will give up her claim".
"Go ahead and cut" the other mother says.
The rabbi stands up and points to the second woman. "That is the mother-in-law".
Steve Sheffey, Highland Park, IL, USA
It's All Relative
Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was
incarcerated in the state prison.
The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in
maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of
day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."
The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every
day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes
home each week.
"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."
incarcerated in the state prison.
The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in
maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of
day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."
The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every
day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes
home each week.
"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
The Economy of Fun
Joyeux Noel !
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker . The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker ? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Obama's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno
9. President Obama's response was to support some small business owners in America. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21. - Jay Leno
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker . The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker ? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Obama's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno
9. President Obama's response was to support some small business owners in America. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21. - Jay Leno
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use
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