Jewish Humour

Jewish Humour

Tuesday, April 29, 2025

New Tricks !!




After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'... 🤣🤣🤣

Saturday, April 26, 2025

A message to our neighbours and a wish for the future




 

The festival of Purim has just passed  , and again they want to kill us! This is the gazillionth time they've tried.

So what is Purim about? 

 Baruch Hashem - they didn't succeed, and we survived!  Let's eat!!! 😂

From generation to generation - Purim is a time that we read the Megillah, the story of Queen Esther, Mordecai, King Achashverush, and Haman… 


Purim is the story of how people want to kill the Jews and how we survived . 


The Broadeay play - Spamalot 

There’s a musical called Spamalot on Broadway - about King Arthur and his Knights at the round table  - a song in the play goes like this 


You may have the finest sets

Fill the stage with penthouse pets

You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes

You may dance and you may sing

You may have butch men by the score

Whom the audience adore

You may even have some animals from zoos

Though you've Poles and Krauts instead

You may have unleavened bread

But I tell you, you are dead

If you don't have any Jews



So, what do Jews bring to the table ……


A living spring churning out inspirations and innovation in their communities


A spirit and a process with the  “Pulse” and Mission to be  a shining light to those around us


A community - that gives 


That is part of our essence 


So what happened to the cities when Jews left ?

Over the years around the world - where Jews left the cities - the cities degraded 


Egypt. before the expulsion in the 1950s, had a thriving Jewish quarter integral to Egyptian society, with significant contributions to the economy, culture, and intellectual life. After expulsion, there was a great decline in the economy and in Egyptian intellectual life. Jewish-owned businesses were confiscated or nationalized, leading to a loss of entrepreneurial spirit and economic innovation.


Spain: La Judería (Córdoba, Spain). Before expulsion, Córdoba was a hub of Jewish learning and culture, producing scholars like Maimonides and Ibn Ezra. Jews played a significant role in Córdoba's textile industry, commerce, and medicine. After expulsion, Córdoba's Jewish quarter was abandoned, and the city's intellectual and cultural significance declined sharply.


Poland - Kazimierz (Kraków, Poland). Before expulsion, it was a vibrant Jewish quarter, home to scholars like Moses Isserles and Rabbi Joel Sirkes. Jews played a significant role in Kraków's commerce, trade, and culture. After expulsion, the quarter fell into disrepair, and Kraków's Jewish community was significantly reduced. The city's economy declined, and its cultural and intellectual life suffered greatly.


Libya - La Ghriba (Tripoli, Libya). Before expulsion, La Ghriba was a historic Jewish synagogue and community center, symbolizing the long history of Jewish presence in Libya. Jews contributed to Libya's economy, particularly in the textile and commerce sectors. After expulsion, the synagogue was abandoned, and Libya's Jewish community was forced to flee. The country's economy suffered, and its cultural and intellectual life stagnated.


Zimbabwe , Iraq, Syria , Gaza - and the list goes on 


Countries where Jews are welcomed with open arms seem to thrive -


Success comes from those that surround  you

We will continue  to live by the laws of the Torah and the laws of the Country where we live-  and magnify the ethos of cooperation, collaboration, connection and community with our neighbours 


We will continue to show the world that when we work together, there is plenty for everyone. 


It's about friendship and partnership and the 5 cs

Connection , collaboration, contribution, competence and community


So this is a message to our neighbours - 

 Embrace the Jews. Let us continue to strive to  be the leaven that causes the bread to rise so that we can all feast together at the same banquet.


It's all about cooperation and acceptance of diverse people, including the Jews!


A wish for the future 

Our wish is to be friends with all the people of the world and live in peace and hormony with our neighbours 


There will always be those that are paralyzed by their jealousy and hate and want to attack and destroy us . We must know this and be ready to defend ourselves.


Continue to build a team spirit and magnify light and joy within our hearts and within our community. And through this course of action, eventually the Hamans of the world will come to see us in the positive light that is true to our essence.


Our wish is to be a shining light with our friends shining it too at our side.


Purim is about transforming fear and sadness to joy and light. 


"To the Jews (in Persia) there was light and joy… and may there be joy and light for us too."




Inspired by a great article by Rabbi Shaul Marshall Praver

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1DWZtBu9KA/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Saturday, March 15, 2025

Nick Bendel’s worst jokes ever

Worst Jokes Ever

* Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

* What colour is the wind? Blew.

* Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

* Did you hear about the stolen dog collar? Police are looking for leads.

* What sort of dad tells jokes even though he doesn't have kids? A faux pas.

* What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

* What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

* Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.

* Did you hear about the guy who invented the “knock-knock” joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.

* RIP boiling water, you will be mist.

Monday, August 26, 2024

Better Medical Aid

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his balls rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,
"Oh my! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better medical aid."

Thursday, July 18, 2024

2 old men in a bar




Two old men are sitting in a bar.
One of them looks at the other & says
“You look familiar… where you from?”
The second old man replies “Ireland”
The first old man looks astonished & says
” No way I’m from Ireland myself, what a small world!”
The second old man then looks at the first “What city?”
The first old man says “Dublin?”
The second old man looks astonished
“No way I’m from Dublin meself! What a small world.”
The first man looks at the second old man “What school you go to?”
The second old man replies
“Saint Mary’s class of 89”
The first old man is absolutely baffled
” NO WAY Saint Mary’s class of 89 myself! What a small world!”


At this point, another man comes into the bar & says to the bartender
“Hey, Joe! Anything interesting going on?”
The bartender says
“Not really… but the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

Thursday, June 20, 2024

This is a brilliant 6 minutes in a nutshell by Douglas Murray - with my commentary

This blog is a blog of Jewish Jokes ….

However occasionally there is a brilliant song or speech that really resonates with me.

This commentary by Douglas Murray  on this current “Nakba” caused by the massive  attack on Israel on October 7- where over 1000 citizens were murdered and raped and taken hostage from their houses! 

Why was there not an outcry of rage for this Nakba?

Was it because this massacre was against Jews? 

Why were there demonstrations around the world - the day after this massacre - with crowds burning Israeli flags saying f the Jews , dirty Zionist pigs, Zionist rats - they should be eradicated - they are evil !!! 

This was even before Israel went into Gaza to destroy this evil and bring the hostages home! 

This is not about Netanyahu , or Palestinians having their own state ….this has been on the table since the tiny state of Israel was declared a state in 1948.
 
Murray reminds us of a comment by the late Rabbi Sacks - Antisemitism is a timeless virus - the Jews have been hated over the centuries for their religion, their race ,  for being rich or poor , for being communists and for being capitalists - for being stateless and now for having a state .

Zionism - is merely the right for Jews to have self determination in their homeland .

Why would someone be an anti Zionist ?

Who would protect the Jews 

The Spanish ? The Italians? The South African ANC? the Arab world ? 

Douglas Murray poignantly points out - that the only people who will defend the Jewish People - are the Jewish People !