Jewish Humour

Communication - Fluctuations

2012-01-31T17:11:00.000-08:00

Fluctuations at the bank Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady
in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller,"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"The teller shrugged his shoulders
and said,"Fluctuations."The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people
too"

Meyer and the Talking Parrot

2012-01-19T03:38:00.000-08:00

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one night when he passed a pet store (perhaps a PetSmart -- PETM?) and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk ... vus machst du ... yeah, du ... outside, standing like a schlemiel ... eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn’t believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.

All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and handmade a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services.

Meyer spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot the Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him.

Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer’s shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"

Nothing.

"Daven ... feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven ... come on, everybody’s looking at you!"
Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars.

He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don’t be a schlemiel," the parrot replied. "You know what odds we’ll get at Yom Kippur?!"

Hymie's Assertiveness Training

2012-01-19T03:25:00.001-08:00

When Moshe sees his friend Hymie in Epstein’s Deli, he goes over to him and says, "Hymie, my dear friend, why so glum?"

"Because my wife Selma is always shouting at me," replies Hymie. "I just don't know what to do about it. It's driving me meshugga."

"Well I have the perfect solution for you," replies Moshe. "It worked well for me, so there's no reason to suppose it won't work for you too."

"So tell me already. What you think I should do," says Hymie.

"I think the best thing for you to do," replies Moshe, "is to sign up for an Assertiveness Training Course as soon as you possibly can."

"Hmm…" says Hymie, "I’m not sure. Let’s me check with Selma and see what she thinks.”

A woman in a Jewellery store, Farts while bending

2012-01-19T03:24:00.000-08:00

from my friend Lawrence Fisher in Israel:-

A woman in a Jewellery store, Farts while bending over to look at a Beautiful Diamond ring.

She looks round, embarrassed,& sees the salesman standing behind her.
Totally professional, he says, "Good day Madam, How may I help U?"
... ...
Hoping that maybe he hadn't heard her ''accident'',

she asks, "Sir, whats the Price of this lovely Ring?"
He answers,
"Madam, if you Farted just Looking at it, U're going to Shit when I'll tell U the Price

How you determine your religion

2012-01-08T20:12:00.001-08:00

Is anything alright?

2012-01-05T03:23:00.001-08:00

Two Jewish mothers are sitting in a restaurant.

The waiter comes over.

"Is ANYTHING alright...?" he asks.....

A Jewish grandmother

2012-01-05T03:19:00.001-08:00

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there...he was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my God, how could you?

Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to charity?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that
you would be proud of?

A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."

A Jewish mother-in-law

2012-01-05T03:17:00.001-08:00

In a small nineteenth century Russian shtetl, two families negotiate with a prominent yeshiva to provide two students as husbands for their daughters. The two young men set out for the town. On the way, their wagon is attacked by Cossacks, and one of the men is killed. When the survivor finally arrives in the town, a fight breaks out between the mothers of the two unmarried girls: Each claims that the young man is the intended groom for her daughter. The man himself can shed no light on the matter, and the case is brought before the local rabbi.

"Cut the boy in half," the rabbi finally rules, and let each girl be given half of his body".

"Oh, no!" the first mother says. "Don't kill him. My daughter will give up her claim".

"Go ahead and cut" the other mother says.

The rabbi stands up and points to the second woman. "That is the mother-in-law".

Steve Sheffey, Highland Park, IL, USA

It's All Relative

2012-01-05T03:14:00.001-08:00

Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was
incarcerated in the state prison.

The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in
maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of
day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."

The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every
day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes
home each week.

"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."

The Economy of Fun

2011-12-06T17:39:00.000-08:00

Joyeux Noel !

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker . The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker ? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Obama's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno

9. President Obama's response was to support some small business owners in America. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21. - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

2011-12-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

Great Joke and well told!

http://holycannoli.posterous.com/herschel-the-magnificent-jew

Mr Schwartz

2011-11-25T13:50:00.000-08:00

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

Shiva

2011-11-10T22:33:00.000-08:00

From Yossi Tal

An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife,
children, grandchildren - came to see him, but only one was allowed in
the room at a time.
Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you?"
"Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her delicious chopped liver that she made yesterday.
Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him."
Ben went back in and reported what she'd said. "You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference."
Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the Shiva."

BLUFFER’S GUIDE TO GOING TO SHUL

2011-10-08T20:46:00.000-07:00

GUIDE TO GOING TO SHUL
Worried about looking like a lemon (or worse) in shul? Finding the service impossible to follow? "Shul Rules" is your ten step guide to synagogue confidence.

1. If you arrive after the start don't sit down right away, but instead open a siddur (prayer book) near its beginning (remember we read right-to-left) and spend 2 or 3 minutes turning slowly through the pages while mumbling under your breath. If you recognize any of the Hebrew words, say one or two of them a little louder so those around you can hear that you know a thing or two.

2. Ideally, find a seat just behind someone who looks like they know what's going on. (You can tell this person because they are likely to be mumbling to themselves under their breath). Make sure this person is using the same prayer book as you. Keep a note of what page they are on by casually glancing over their shoulder every now and again.

3. When putting on the tallit (prayer shawl) wrap it around your head for a few seconds while mumbling under your breath.

4. Sprinkle your time in shul with more barely audible mumbles as you look intently at the pages of your siddur. Again, the odd word, phrase or line spoken accurately and a little louder than the rest will go down very well.

5. Don't jump up whenever the person in front does so. They may be stretching their legs. Instead, wait a moment until a significant proportion of the congregation are standing. In this way, even if they are all stretching their legs you won't look conspicuous.

6. See those guys near the front that are wandering around with an air of assurance? These are the shammosim (beadles). AVOID EYE CONTACT WITH THESE PEOPLE or you may find yourself being asked to do something strange like opening the doors of the Ark or, heaven forbid, say something in Hebrew out loud to everyone.

7. The easiest way to look the part is to 'shockl' (sway back and forth). I have met people who have won international shockling competitions without having a clue about where in the service they were. Advanced shocklers will even shockl when everyone else is sitting. (Of course, sometimes this may be a disguised leg-stretch).

Shockling is an entire lesson in itself but there are two basic forms. The "lateral swing" is usually seen in ultra-orthodox congregations. Here the practitioner is perfectly still from the waist down (feet together, naturally), while the top half of the body repeatedly twists at speed.
The "hammerhead" is more prevalent in mainstream orthodox shuls and, as the name suggests, the congregant looks as if they are trying to bang a nails into the floor with their heads. (I say "their" because women prefer to use this time for kibbitzing or kvelling over the way their grandson shockls.).
Shockling mainly takes place during a silent prayer known as the Amidah. This is about 10 pages during which you have no idea where everyone else is. All you do know is that there are some who would be contenders for the world speed-reading record whilst others, the truly devout, who really read every letter as though it were their last. You know when it starts because everyone takes three steps back, then three steps forward, then they bow. This is your cue to start shockling while turning the pages of your prayer book approximately every 15 seconds. The end of the silent Amidah is signaled by everyone taking three short steps back, bowing to the left, the right and the centre and then looking round to see who won.

8. Is the Rabbi speaking in English and yet you can't understand what he's going on about? If so, this is the sermon and it's your job to look alive. Paying attention to the sermon is a skill that may take many years to master rather in the way that one learns how to complete cryptic crosswords. The formula for this particular puzzle is fairly simple: The narrative of Torah portion you have just heard plus something from local or national news equals "you should go to shul more regularly" or "your home isn't kosher enough".

9. Feel free to talk to people near you at any time. Business, sports and general gossip are particularly appropriate topics of conversation. Seeking kavanah (intention to do mitzvot, good deeds) and listening to the sermon will be regarded with suspicion in most communities.

10. If you can keep your cool until the end of the service you will be rewarded. At last something that is familiar, and a chance to clear your throat and give it some as you bash out Ein Kelohaynu and Adon Olam just like you did at cheder all those years ago.
One final word of Warning. If it goes well and you feel confident enough to go back for a second week running you will be classified as a regular. This means there is a very good chance you will be asked to be the next President of the shul.